hari ni aku kat singapore.
still rasa tak best cam biasa
aku pun pelik kenapa
lately... actually for the past couple of months aku cam rasa tak best jer
not sure why
last time because i thought i need a change in my career
i did change it
then, i thought because my life too mundane
but i'm expecting... so, what could cause the feeling of unworthiness?
maybe because aku tak jaga sgt solat
rasa hati kurang tenang
mungkin... should try to pray 5x a day... but i dont know why it is soooo difficult
ada jer yg tertinggal.
this is seriously not good
maybe i also should do like masa aku kat high school.
hati sgt tenang even though aku selalunyer x excel in school
since high school i have this notion that u dont have to be the best at what u do
just make sure u finish it...see it through the end
give ur best effort and in the end bertawakal..
and everthing else insyallah will be fine... betul tak HUBBY? hehehe...
AKU KELAPARAN......

skrg ni aku dah 4 bulan pregnant and my stomach is getting bigger by the day. mmg suma org dah notice. tak kirala berapa besar baju aku pakai.
alhamdullilah, i am feeling better now... more accepting of this motherhood thingy. maybe sbb dapt positive respond dari kawan2 and colleague. apparently, there are quite a number of people in my office yg having difficult time conceiving. so, i guess, it's ok to get pregnant now then having problems later. i guess different people got diff problem.
like me, no problem conceiving but financially not too strong. mcm org lain, duit ada tapi susah lak nak dpt baby...so, i shouldnt really complaining
awal2 dulu mmg byk giler complaint coz my body is adjusting. but now i'm feeling much better. even aku nyer appetite pun dah cam normal balik. takderla kena ada food every 2 hours and dont puke that much too.
trasa mcm best pulak tgk baju2 pregnant. maybe sbb dah lama tak beli baju. aku jenis takkan shop without reason and dah lama aku rasa cam takder sbb utk shopping
since skrg ni mmg perlu.... mcm2 aku beli. bila membeli tu, bukannyer kisah sgt how much i spend. it feels like masa aku mula2 turun berat bdn ngan drasticnyer kat US. in one day i spent USD300 and it feels so good to spend money for myself.
alamak, laki aku dah bising. kitorg tgh plan pasal honeymoon ni. kalau tak gi skrg, mmg takkan gi... so, calos...
some of the clothes, i still wear till now.
bila baby dah kuar nanti, sure lagi byk aku shop.. excited nyer... hehe..

sudah 3 bulan jugak aku tak update blog. since 8th march, aku dah nikah, mengandung and also bersanding cuma majlis bertandang ke rumah mentua jer belum lagi.

mula2 mmg agak sukar nak trima hakikat yg aku akan jadi mak. tapi sikit2 dah bole trima. lagipun umur dah 27. if not now, when right? so, i guess i just make the best of it. getting pregnant is not an easy thing. aku rasa org yg mengandung jer paham camner perasaan mengandung. karang panjang pulak complaint aku kat sini :) i hope my pregnancy and delivery will be ok. insyallah lepas raya nanti bersalin.

majlis sanding pun dah selesai. alhamdullilah... baju yg aku buat fitting 2 minggu sudah masih muat. dalam 1 bulan jer aku nyer berat naik 3 kg. badan time tu macam di pam2. semua benda nak makan and i eat every 2-3 hours. kalau tak, sure muntah... ok, i better stop there... and nasib baik mak aku stuju ngan color yg aku pilih. dia nak tema gold sbnrnya. tapi in the end jadi tema colorfull like always....

kehidupan selepas berkahwin...
so far so good

every couple akan bergaduh sooner or later
i notice that cara bergaduh and cara nak baik balik berubah over time after dah together for this long
dulu masa sblm kahwin/tunang, we fought about the smallest things
then masa tunang, we fought about a little bigger things
and now bila dah kawin, we fought for much bigger things and for a shorter period of time
maklumla, dah berkongsi hidup..
one way or the other you definitely will get annoyed

the most important thing is for the husband to try and understand the wife and vice versa
but i would prefer if the husband the one doing all the understanding
i read one article yesterday.. dia cakap, most of the time, it is much much easier to be mean and evil but it takes so much effort to be a nice person.

i just hope i can be a better person for my family and husband
sometimes i am so emotional that i cannot think straight
or get so upset about something and cannot really explain why
that really driving me crazy

hehe....
aku nak kawin dah weekend ni..
kali ni mcm improve skit la..
preparation in 3 weeks. tunang dulu 1 minggu jer
ada la jugak rasa cam nak demam masa kemas rumah tu
dahla kakak aku baru bersalin. nama anak dia Nurkhairunnisa Mardiah
mak aku pun cam dah naik demam. siannn dia terpaksa melayan karenah anak dia yg sorg ni. dah la tak reti2 nak plan awal2.

1 week matde settle kan dia nyer application
1 day aku settlekan aku nyer application
1.5 weeks kemas rumah+beli hantaran+gubah hantaran
hantaran aku tu mmg kelakar skit la sbb aku fail bab2 color coordination ni
so, mcm2 color ada. gold, merah, kuning, ijau, biru... so, tema dia, colorful.
yg matde nyer aku ada ternampak ari tu... ungu suma..baju kitorg warna ungu.

benda2 yg aku kena buat lepas ni:
1. xleh kutuk matde kat sini-kena beli diary
2. kena balik kelantan time raya-sucks
3. kena tinggal ngan famili dia-still trying to get use to the idea

wish me luckkkk

hehe....
aku nak kawin dah weekend ni..
kali ni mcm improve skit la..
preparation in 3 weeks. tunang dulu 1 minggu jer
ada la jugak rasa cam nak demam masa kemas rumah tu
dahla kakak aku baru bersalin. nama anak dia Nurkhairunnisa Mardiah
mak aku pun cam dah naik demam. siannn dia terpaksa melayan karenah anak dia yg sorg ni. dah la tak reti2 nak plan awal2.

1 week matde settle kan dia nyer application
1 day aku settlekan aku nyer application
1.5 weeks kemas rumah+beli hantaran+gubah hantaran
hantaran aku tu mmg kelakar skit la sbb aku fail bab2 color coordination ni
so, mcm2 color ada. gold, merah, kuning, ijau, biru... so, tema dia, colorful.
yg matde nyer aku ada ternampak ari tu... ungu suma..baju kitorg warna ungu.

benda2 yg aku kena buat lepas ni:
1. xleh kutuk matde kat sini-kena beli diary
2. kena balik kelantan time raya-sucks
3. kena tinggal ngan famili dia-still trying to get use to the idea

wish me luckkkk

this blog mainly serve sebagai tmpt utk aku melepaskan kemarahan
i have so much anger in me that i need a place to lash out.
unfortunately, almost all the time i was angry at my fiance
whenever he seems not to get it that i am super mad even after screaming + kicking, i have no choice but to lash it out here.
so, that was what happen with the last entry

my fiance is not a bad person and i'm sure all my friends and his finds him gentle and always try to accomodate people even when he dont have the resources to do so. which sometimes irritates me. if you cannot do it, just say so.... but maybe it is not in his nature
i have to say that the both of us is sooo very different. macam langit and bumi la org kata.

ok... gtg

this blog mainly serve sebagai tmpt utk aku melepaskan kemarahan
i have so much anger in me that i need a place to lash out.
unfortunately, almost all the time i was angry at my fiance
whenever he seems not to get it that i am super mad even after screaming + kicking, i have no choice but to lash it out here.
so, that was what happen with the last entry

my fiance is not a bad person and i'm sure all my friends and his finds him gentle and always try to accomodate people even when he dont have the resources to do so. which sometimes irritates me. if you cannot do it, just say so.... but maybe it is not in his nature
i have to say that the both of us is sooo very different. macam langit and bumi la org kata.

ok... gtg

this entry is seriously long overdue...

today i am 27 years old and 18 days.... wow... how can i be this old. in a couple of years i will be 30 years. damn... not that i mind being older. i think i even embrace it. at least now i have my own car. that is a real achievement. other than that everything is status quo. matde still cant marry me... or wont.. god knows when i will get married. so in the mean time i'll just scout around just in case. we never know right? hehe..

career wise, i think i'll just go with the flow. there's no point fighting it. daripada takder kerja. i might as well try to learn as much as possible. maybe kalau dah bosan, bole kerja and jaga anak. ok... i seriously have to stop thinking about marriage coz it is not going to happen at least in the next three years.

tahun ni aku nak jadi health conscious. so, i start eating breakfast. makan sikit jer kalau takder customer belanja. mestila makan byk kalau org belanja kan? travel as much is i can. my plan to go to hong kong need to be deferred. fuck. ingatkan bole gi next week but i might need to move into another department. i want to travel more. go to beaches and become a bitch there.. spend more money. no point saving it anymore. it's not like i'm going to get marry anyway.. ok.. stop.

i'm looking forward to NEW challenges this year. aku rasa aku bole start beli rumah by next year.. i think i can afford it by then.
yeay.. new house, new car

i am currently at hyatt, jakarta. the room and bathroom is marvelous. hope i can stay here for the next four nights. but i'm heading to sumatra and will only be back on thursday night. arrived yesterday and the road wasnt very busy. last time when i visited vietnam, i arrived during peak hours. motorcycle are4 everywhere. and the honks never stop. i can say jakarta is a very interesting place to be. feels like i'm at klang. jakarta pusat tak macam KL. where the roads are nicely planned out. or maybe i'm not use to it yet?

heard in the news that sumatra di landa banjir. hopefully the place i'm going is not going to be affected. since my boss dont mind his staff travelling to all these places, aku dah planned out dah aku nyer trips. he he... next stop is hong kong, philippines, singapore and japan. hehe... takper kot sbb aku yg jaga budget department aku and i know how much is there to spend.

wish me luck. i like travelling but i just hate flying. planes scares me easpecially the take off and landing.

hopefully next year i can go to europe side. never fancy the states that much since i've been there four 4 years and nothing new to see.

the last three books i read about psycho people. aku ni suka baca slow2.. so that aku bole bayangkan the situation and all.. and so that i wont finish it too fast. or else i have to buy a new book. for the past two years, i just have to have a book that i am still reading. in average i read 1 book per month... anyway, these books are very interesting books. one about this psychiatrist who kills his own patient savagely, the second is about a boy who is crazy from birth and shoots 11 people including his own father and sister and the third one is about a a guy suffering from schizepronia. all these books are interesting. but the problem is sometimes when i am too absorbed, it gets into my head a little. which is scary. i'm afraid, what if one day i loose my mind.

matde told me that it is actually a bless to lose your mind because you wont even care about other things anymore. just imagine... nothing to worry about.. because believe me, when you are sane, even if you dont have anything to worry about... you'll worry about life being not challenging enough. or was it just me? i sometimes feels bored when everything goes my way. since almost 90% of the time whatever i planned or predicted will not go as it should be. i think since before ramadhan, not a single thing that i planned worked. or maybe i was just thinking too much again..

one more crazy story that i hope i can find in MPH is "In cold Blood". Dlm citer capote, dia tulis citer ni. aku pun tak sure capote tu is a real person or not? but one of the author in that movie wrote "To Kill a Mockingbird" so i guess "In cold Blood" must be around somewhere. after that, i should just stop reading this kind of books or you guys have to start visiting me at Tanjung Rambutan.

ohh.. aku tgh gilerkan Korean series right now.. currently watching My Girl and My Lovely Sam Soon. I cried watching both series. Ohh.. i am such a big crier.. ok.. have to blame that on Matde. he made my life soooo miserable (did i spell that right boro, rush?) since the first day we met...

*matde told me he will kill me if i ever say bad things about him in my blog*. let's see if i'm still alive next week when he comes back from kelantan..

i learn a thing or two about friendship today.

today, i truly believe that if someone looks like he likes you, he might actually not because there's always something that tick us off. i sometimes do it too to couple of people in my office which i can say, i truly hate but i tolerated anyway because i have to work with them. btw, you are not one of them, judd. whatever gossip u hear from anyone in the office, you are still my good friend and i like to keep it that way. so, ignore them.... and i have to admit i can be a little bit bitchy sometimes. i can sometimes sense they hate working with me too for my bossiness and bithciness

seriously, i read one very disturbing comment about boro in judd's blog that i am so shocked to hear (comment tu dah tutup sbb dah jadi out of hand). wow... i still cannot believe it till now. does he hates me too and only tolerated me because he is a good friend of my fiancee... i know i can be very defensive sometimes when it comes to my very good girl friends easpecially boro, elly and rush and also a couple girls from high school. it could be my feminism or PMS talking when one of my friends were attacked like that. God, how can you attack your friend when she is only saying how interesting the issue has been? ok.. maybe i am just asking to be attacked too. there was one time i got into an argument with a friend an he told me i was "not toughtfull and he would rather spent time with other people than me" and i cried for like 2 days. i was so sad to hear something as unexpected as that. so, i cannot imagine what boro is feeling right now for being called like that unexpectedly.

Sometimes, we just have to stop and ponder how cruel your friend can be..

Btw, aku dah takleh nak tgk comment side tu... tak tau kenapa kena block. so.. kalau korg tanya2 aku tak jawab tu... mintak maaf la yer.....

just imagine, u have been slaving yourself for 10, maybe 15 years. coming exactly at 8 am and leaving about 8-9 pm. you do this every single weekdays without fail. you finished all the required assignments, projects, paperworks on time. you never mess up your job. in other words, you did your job well. you never complain when one of colleague mess up his job and you have to clean the shit. every year, during assesment you do not merit because your boss said you were just doing your job and thus, will not be granted any thing more than a normal yearly raise. fine... u said... maybe that's true. you see people move around, go from one place to another. you ask your boss that u wanted to move too and he said you should stay to become expert of what you're doing. after much thought and consideration, you decided to stay.... until one day, u just cannot see where you are going anyway, got very frustrated and started acting out. your boss started to think you are useless and all the 10-15 years of hardwork as nothing.

so, why work so hard? why spend so much time in the office working? why trying your ass off to impress your boss?

i can see clearly now that all effort are useless... fruitless and whatever. stop trying too hard and start having fun a little. i started working with the idea "i want to make a difference" but end up with "how much difference can i make?"

hujan sgt lebat kat luar. aku malas lagi nak balik. jap lagi kot. the road must be sooo bad... and i'm not feeling too well.
i really need to get out of this office but why am i still here?

aku ni tergolong dalam category perempuan2 yg sgt suka berfikir. aku sgt suka berfikir benda2 yg bukan2 sampai sakit kepala aku. masa aku kecik, aku kena gi sekolah naik basikal dalam 10-15 minit camtu sbb aku lembab and aku sorg pompuan kat kawasn rumah aku, aku kena naik basikal sorg2. bila dah sorg2 tu, mcm2 la aku fikir. aku rasa dari situla aku mula dpt habit aku nih.

berfikir yang bukan2 ni memenatkan. dan membuatkan kita tak efficient. contohnyer, kalau aku byk fikir di malam hari, aku susah nak tido and akan bangun lambat. pastu bila dah bangun, aku sambung balik benda yg aku fikirkan. bila dah sampai office, kepala aku dah pusing and tak dpt nak selesaikan problem2 kat office. keja aku kat office ni menyelesaikan masalah jer. takpun cuba larikan diri dari masalah... so skrg ni aku kadang kala diserang migrain. so, i have decided not to think anymore... at least not the one worth thinking about or the one that i cannot do anything about. like why matde still dont want to marry me eventhough we are engaged for almost 1 and half yr, why i still cannot bring myself to see my x without remorse...

all i want to do now is learn how to spend my money wisely or not

bulan posa adalah bulan yg paling best kat tmpt kerja aku. bole balik kul 4 and almost every day aku balik pukul 4.

aku nak balik... dah takder benda nak buat and takder mood gak ni. tapi colleague aku suruh tunggu la pulak. siot tul la... malasssss

i'm at Bintulu... hari ni nak balik. wuhhh... it was sooo tiring. all those eating and meeting. and aku terlupa langsung yg org kat sarawak tak dpt 8tv... rasa cam nak nangis jer semalam sbb tak dpt nak tgk DH.. i missed one siri, tidak....

last two nights, aku baru balik dari lepak2 ngan matde around 11 pm... it was a longggg day, a little bit dissapointed with my current financial status and so damn tired... balik2 and masuk bilik air and there it was one huge chunk of hairs and the smell, eiiyuuuu.... and on top of it, ada note."kepada yg berkenaan, tolong buang rambut yg baru dekeluarkan oleh plumber". sapa lagi, aku la tuh... aku kan baru menyewa kat situ, mana bole kumpul rambut banyak tu. kalau kumpul 2 thn rambut aku saja pun belum tentu byk camtu... sial betul tuan rumah ... aku punya la marah. takleh ker buang sendiri? or mintak plumber masukkan dalam plastic.. i cannot just let it go..

so, as a revenge, i decided not to close the toilet door after i used it. that annoys her so much... i don't know why... mmg ada note tertampal kat bilik air "tolong tutup atau rapatkan pintu toilet". and note tu bergerak dari belakang pintu, ke tepi pintu skrg dpn pintu masuk. so, i know it really really irritate her.. and aku akan bukak pintu toilet tu besar2 seblum aku kuar... padan muka.

satu lagi benda yg aku akan buat ialah takkan buang sampah sampai dia berulat2 and berbau giler babi. i know that will drive her crazy...

i used to be a very good tenant. buang sampah everyday, tutup pintu as requested, bayar bill on time. even pay that astronomically high electrical bill. she has an air cond in her room. and now, she mess with me i cannot just sit still.... i might be over-reacting as always, but i simply don't give a damn anymore.

if that small thing can make me retaliate, just imagine if my land is being taken by someone and that someone want to impose his rule on me.

-edited-
aku dah tak marah sgt dah.. so, i think i should just delete this hateful entry...

last weekend i just realized that kisah cinta mawi n ina sgt2 la digembar gemburkan. maklumla, i don't read newspaper... jauh sekali mengikuti melodi.. the only tv show that i follow religiously is desperate housewife.

after reading some of the comments/stories, i just can't seem to put it out of my mind. as usual, i will side after ina. i can understand her woes. she is this simple kampung girl... feels very insecure about her recently very famous tunang. and dia tak dpt contact tunang dia berbulan2. come on la kan... cut her some slack. kalau aku tak dpt contact tunang aku pun, aku naik hangin. aku rasa lagi teruk aku buat dari apa yg ina buat tu. it's only natural yg si ina tu akan mendesak2 mawi.

i think it is very unfair for mawi to just dump her like that. dulu masa susah, bole la pulak nak bertunang ker apa... ni dah senang, senang2 jer tinggalkan minah tu. she is just being a simple minded-jealous girl. aku ni mmg feminist. dulu aku suka gak ngan mawi, lagu dia and all. now i don't have any respect for him for doing it to another woman.

things like this, always makes me wonder. do all guys like that? bila susah dia akan cari org yg sanggup idup susah ngan dia. tapi bila dah senang, dia tinggalkan org yg kurang menarik yg sanggup bersusah payah ngan dia... and go to another more interesting girl yg hanya tau abiskan duit dia. and then the muka sialnyer menyebut "i don't see this coming honey"...

i always believe two people will stay in a relationship if there are like a symbiotic relationship between the two. it won't work if one party needs the other one while the other doesn't. u see, i have my insecurities tooo...

the world is scary....