i've been thingking lately how difficult it is to be in a relationship and to keep it alive... i know, some people say, if u love someone, it shouldn't be difficult for both of you to stay together. this might be true for the first year. but what happen in the next 2,3,4 years? should we move on and find someone ? start all over again when the relationship gets rocky? i guess most of teenagers do that coz if i can recall correctly, most of my friends dump their boyfriends after 1 year. but it should be ok because they are still young and can meet someone els after they get into college. must be boring to stay in a relationship with a teenage boy for 9 years which we never know if he will grow up by the end of the 9th year. it will be very painful to leave him by then.

ok... that's not the point actually. two people are meant to be different. even if u think that a person ada perangai yg agak2 sama... there must be something about him that's different. so, one thing u have to remember, your partner sometimes cannot be as what u wanted. i have freinds that broke up with their bf/gf after 3-4 years in a relationship and said that she is not what he expected to be. of course she is... so, you left her and the next time u find someone else and u will quickly dump her when u cannot deal with her?

i think a man needs to play a very big part in a relationship. lelaki kan sepatutnyer memimpin/menjaga/menyara perempuan. sepatutnyer la kan.... they are the ones that supposedly emotionally stable. and women known as an emotional being. so, it is natural for women to be angry, demanding and all sorts of emotional stuff. so, it is the man's job to handle a woman. kalau la lelaki ni rajin sikit nak menjalankan tugas2 nyer sebagai lelaki... i'm sure there will be less break-ups. and it is important also for the guy to be supportive. being emotional, sometimes we do stupid things and consequently we will regret the stupid things we did. and pls don't think we don't know that it's stupid because we are not that stupid... so, why can't u just be supportive and assure us that things should be ok? takyahla nak membebel2.... tak gitu sayang ku?

feels good to be able to do this again. dah lama la katakan tak meluahkan perasaan.....

dah lama giler tak buat entry sampai password pun lupa. anyways, things are a little crazy on my part. since aku skrg dah agak2 actively involved with curricular activity in my dept, i'm going to be very busy until July. but let's not talk about work... it's endless

ini iklan skit yer... the next time you guys see me, pls don't ask anything about matde. if you really2 want to know what's going with him, kindly call his mobile and ask.. i'm done with saying things about him. i'm not a broadcaster ok.. so.. pls...do me this one favor... kalau korg duduk2 ngan aku tapi tak tau nak cakap apa2... u guys don't have to say anything. coz peopla who knows matde but don't really know me will ask about him just to make a conversation.. i don't mind at all if u guys don't say anything... don't worry...

anyways, we are still engaged... but have no date for marriage yet.

camner la aku bole terckp pasal ni when actually i wanted to talk about something else... ohh well.. later la kot.

i don't like to live out of my means. meaning, i don't want to buy a new car when i know i cannot afford it. but since to some people, my salary is a lot... i should be able to get a new car. buying a car is a commitment, every month, i have tu put away a qtr of my salary for it. that it not including gas money.

i just couldn't bare to have a debt. so, i would rather clear my credit card even though that means living with only 200 for that month. that happened this month. so, u see... i cannot buy a new car yet.. but how am i suppose to explain to people that? all i do is smile... saying that i haven't find a good car to buy yet. even my relatives kdg2 tego on my kancil. it is just too old and u wou;d never know when she will break down again... sad aaa... people said, money is never enough. but hey, it's my world and i love to live in a debtless one...

sbnrnya duduk kat KL ni terlalu byk guna duit. gaji 2K sebulan pun cuma cukup utk sorg... can u imagine that? sapa2 yg gaji about 1K jer sure sian giler. takleh nak buat apa2. duk rumah makan nasi 1 kali sehari jer kot.

aku dah start jahit manik to my baju. aku rasa aku jahit banyak sgt manik... sampai jadi berat naju kurung aku. since this is the first time, jahitan pun kurang kemas and kdg2 nampak la jugak benangnyer... today dah masuk minggu ke-dua and almost done. by next week aku rasa dah bole siap kot. now i have a hobby... maybe nak berjinak2 di dunia jahitan ni. so, bila dah berenti keja nanti bole menjahit.

i'm going to get a new boss by march. and he will not be pleasent. bila duk kat company besar ni and jumpa mcm2 jenis boss. bole la evaluate skit boss2 ni. i prefer not so bossy boss. normally a fussy boss will make sure that everything run very smoothly and depart tu sure terurus giler. tapi yg tak best nyer dia mesti menyusahkan hidup staff2 dia. semua nak perfect. salah sikit kena. kalau kita tak tau apa2 kena bebel... cakap kita bodoh la.. apa la... aku ni jaga kapal jer. manala aku nak tau production stages. aku bukannyer keja kat plant nu.... and selalunyer boss2 jenis ni x byk kawan and always lonely. on the other hand, the other kind of boss, the more relax type... aku suka sgt boss yg cam ni. trasa bole bernafas skit and normally aku suka nak lepak2 nngan dia gak.

i guess i was very lucky to get a very easy-going bosses semenjak aku bekerja ni. tapi kalau aku jadi boss krg, aku nak jadi yg easy-going and relax type. krg kalau aku mati, takdela diorg ingat aku as bitchy jer... and hopefully diorg bole la doa2kan aku skit... :) kenala berfikiran jauh skit kan... banyak dosa aku ni...

aku dah ada hobi baru... beading...

seronok lak rasa menjahit2 manik ni. bila buat tu rasa leka... bagi aku, better buat benda tu dari main game.. selalunyer bila aku bosan sgt, aku mainla game yg takyah guna otak.. susun2 objek ker... stuff like that.. tapi bila beading ni.. in the end ada gak result nyer. and i think i like glittery stuff. so, bila aku dah pandai beading krg, bole la aku kasi hadiah kat kawan2 aku nyer birthday like beaded purse, anting2 or rantai yg aku buat sendiri. the question is... kat mana aku nak beli bead2 tu?

ada tinggal about 2 more weeks before aku masuk 26 tahun... uuuuu... 26 u, sounds like i'm old... that's why i started to wear baju kecik2 skrg ni. nak lawan rasa tua tu. bila dress up like a girl. bole la rasa mcm budak2 skit. skrg ni, i think my body dah sampai ke tahap optimum and skit jer lagi masuk area tembam/gemuk. so, really watching my weight right now. gi swimming as often as i can..

ok... 2005... apa yg aku dah buat and tak buat. a couple of events have happened in 2005 that i will never forget for the rest of my life. sometimes i myself wonder how in the world i could do what i did. i guess, desperate situation calls for desperate measures. i know what i did was wrong, terribly wrong, and the path that i took will surely haunt me for years to come. is it why i'm so afraid of the dark lately? is it my conscience that prevent me from having a good night sleep? i woken up like 3-4 times every night... it is very2 tiring. normally when i had a very2 bad experience, i will try to forget it and keep it stored somewhere at the back of my head. eventually i'll forget about it. but will my guilt allow me to do it? maybe not. maybe everyone will have some dark moments that they have to deal with.

i hope next year will be a better year. and really hope my man will figure out what he wants to do with his life because i know i'm going to stay in this corporate world only for the next 8 years and a half. i don't think i can survive very long here. i don't think it is for me and i want to take care of my family for a change without worrying about money every single day....

aku gi blog elly and tried out "which sex and the city vixen are u" and i got miranda... ermm.. sama rupanyer kita elly. and yeah... both of us share the same passion for men... we do criticize them a lot and feel that we need more freedom... more guys... more...

it's true that skrg ni aku asyik terpk pasal nak kawin jer... aku dah beli baju kawin. start jahit2 manik utk brg hantaran... if my mom knew this, she'll scream. my parents tak kasi aku beli apa2 before tarikh kawin ditetapkan... i understand why... iyerla takut2 tak jadi kawin kang.. tak ker membazir. anyhow.. tak kisah la tu. parents aku ni rupa2nyer agak tak moden rupanyer. easp my dad. he doesn't even allow matde visit me at kampung that often. and matde gladly agrees. i just hope bila matde's parents and my parents borak2, matde's won't blurted out that i picked matde up at their house almost everyweek. i just love to potray that i am such a good girl in front of my parents. hipocrite? maybe... but it is better to do so rather than leave them worried all the time.

lama dah aku tak kutuk2 matde kan? trasa rindu lak nak buat camtu... :)
we have been together for about 5 years.. i cannot remember the anniversary date. heck, i cannot even remember the exact date we got engaged. i know it was in july... late july. malas nak check calender. remembering dates is not my cup of tea. luckily my birthday is on jan 1st... otherwise, i myself might forgot about it.

i really hope he will finalise his plan soonet possible so that i can start plan our wedding. i hate this uncertainty. bukan jer org2 lain tertanya2 bila aku nak kawin. aku sendiri pun tertanya2... tau2 jerla. keja kawin ni byk planning nyer. taknakla buat cam bertunang itu hari. sampai hampir breakdown. penat giler... and baju pun tangkap muat jer.

last few days i had a conversation with one of housemates.. we talked about our laki of course... nak cakap pasal apa lagi kan? and make fun of them skit2... skit jer... tak banyak pun and kutuk2 matde as usual (it's ok honey, despite your flaws, i still loooovveeee uuu). matde asked me once what about him that i loved.. to tell the truth, there's none of it. he's persistent (if he really want something), cannot leave me alone, always membebel... and tak cool langsung (walaupun selalu buat2 cam cool) . the reason why we still together is (i think) is because we are compatible with each other (i.e aku cool vs matde tak cool)... kalau dua2 cool susah la kan... okla.... dah takder idea memuji diri sendiri...

a friend in need is a friend indeed-sbnrnya sampai skrg pun aku tak tau apa maksudnyer... care to share? no ... i'm not going to talk about friends... this is my blog. so, here is where i show the self-centered me. and will not talk about other than me and me and me....

right now, i'm tired as hell. went back home at 2.30 last night and practically dragged my feet to get to my apartment. damn tired. last 2 nights aku mimpi pasal hantu... sure aku mengigau giler teruk pastu terjaga kul 5.30 pagi and couldn't sleep again at all.... then pegi keja and worked my ass off from 8.30 till 6.30... FYI, i am very hard working girl that i worked and worked... hopefully my boss appreciate what i did.

then off to hang out with elly, adik elly, rafik n matde... before going to see harry porter. for me... harry porter nyer movie is getting better... no more lenghty scenes of people playing quidditch.. by now we are smart enough to figure out how the games worked and i take it as an insult if they put that kind of scenes again... ingat aku tak bijak ker? the movie ended before i felt really2 tired (unlike the other three movies)... so, thumbs up.. harry potter pun makin handsome..

abis movie lepak lak kat open house yus... by 2 am aku dah takleh nak bukak mata dah. masa tu dah 20 jam 30 min aku stay awake... i should just cool down a little bit, i think.

since i have about 1 more hour to kill... aku nak masuk another topic la... i really2 think that men can be very mean and cruel sometimes... and sgt2 pandai mengambil kesempatan. sgt2 jarang aku jumpa lelaki yg sanggup amik responsibility of what they did. they can act really stupid too sometimes. for example, my sis told me that her friend's husband is currently studying at KL and the friend adalah cikgu and ada 5 org anak... pastu bole la pulak, laki dia tu tak bagi keta/motor utk kegunaan harian minah ni... and to top it off, card atm minah tu ada kat laki dia. kenapa laki dia takleh pk, minah tu kena pakai lagi byk duit, tapi duit gaji bini dia pun dia jaga. minah tu kat sungai besar ok? menyirap darah aku mendengarnyer.. kenapa laki? tak pk ker camner minah ni nak beli food, nak hantar anak gi klinik kalau anak dia sakit?

arrggghhh.... adala mcm2 laki tentang kebodohan/ketidak-adilan lelaki yg aku dgr... isk isk isk...

selamat hari raya...
indeed it is a very tiring raya. ramai pulak yg berkunjung ke rumah aku. every day aku buat at least 4 bottles of air sarsi. botol yg besar lak tu. aku rasa bole bukak kedai air camni... rasanyer tak ramai pun last year and tak sepenat ini. masa hari2 last berbuka, for the first time ever, semua org dlm family aku ada berbuka puasa sama2. ada la dalam 19 org semuanya... itupun baru tiga org yg kawin. kalau semua dah kawin... mmg jatuh pengsan aku. aku rasa next year lagi ramai sbb abah aku kiranyer org yg paling tua dalam family side dia. org2 kg sebelah mostly sedara mara dia. and i just found out that i am the third generation that stayed in Malaysia and my great-grandfather was an immigrant. so, the jawa tradition is still very strong... if u are at kampung2 org jawa masa raya ni... nila the most common words yg korg akan dengar:
dayoh-tetamu2
munggah-naik rumah
melebu-masuk
ngombe-minum
ngapuro-mintak maaf
ngelencer-beraya
pangan-makan

rumah aku kat kampung sentiasa terbuka kalau sapa2 nak berkunjung. rumah kat ukay tuh... payah skit la yer... tak larat den nak mengemas nyer

selamat berpuasa....

aku pun tgh berpuasa bersungguh2 skrg ni... berpuasa waktu keja is not so bad but tak berpuasa time keja sgtla menyeksakan... aku ni jenis yg malu2 kucing nak makan kat dpn org. and terpaksa menyorok2 kat dalam bilik stor mana2. pastu nak beli pun segan gak. terpaksala bawak bekal. aku ingat nak amik cuti time tak posa... tapi keja aku ni, takleh amik cuti time tgh2 bulan... time tula yg paling bz. aku pun dah naik pening kepala camner nak menggunakan 7 hari cuti yg pet kasi bila aku kawin krg. sure masuk hari ke-3 dah terkedek2 masuk office. unless aku nyer majlis kat kelantan tu...

actually i always think that since matde tak keja lagi, sure mak dia taknak buat majlis kat kelantan. which i don't mind at all... tapi i don't think so... sbb dia pun selalu dah hint2 nak buat kat kelantan... arrgghhh.... taknak...

okla.. aku nak kena gi sheraton hotel dah. ada org nak belanja berbuka kat sana...

another day staying late at the office... ermmm... tired la...
a lot of times i wonder, i'm not married yet, i don't have kids yet but even now, i came home dead tired. so, if i get married (maybe next yr), how am i going to cope? can i be a good mother/wife? setiap hari... aku balik, aku makan and trus tido... kalau weekend... mmg 14-16 hrs tido... nak rehat la katakan. masak mmg jauh skali. masak maggie bole la....

arrgghhh... tolong....patutla ramai pompuan suka jadi cikgu and ramai org petronas suka kawin ngan cikgu. senang skit nak balik umah. and ada colleague aku even cakap "awak ni kena tukar profession azzirah, takder org nak krg"... bole la pulak gitu. anyways, selagi aku blum kawin. i'm going to enjoy this care-free live... no cooking and no washing dishes.. tangan i sensitive u...

in another 15 mins, i have to go for a dinner meeting. i'm going to have free dinners until wednesday... :) sometimes i think this is the only good thing doing what i do. plus, i got to visit other asean countries...

but there are times like right now when i think i just don't want to go to work. it is actually quite depressing... trying to solve the same old problem. got scolded for the same things... and i think my work getting a little bit sloppy. even though i have a new colleague, my workload tak pulak berkurang2. if i'm not at the office, i still have to settle my shit but when she is not in the office... benda2 alah dia pun aku nak kena settle kan. and kitorg selalu la pulak takder kat office... so, mcm takder byk yg berubah....

baru jer setahun keja... dah trasa beaten with life. i just hope this is a PMS. suck tau... sucks... kdg2 rasa nak marah org jer. tapi lepas tu sure rasa bersalah giler. if possible, i don't want to do that. it is just too mean. matde knows how i can be if i'm angry. so, dia pun risau kalau aku marah2 kat office. okla.. dah pukul 7. kena solat before makan korean food yg besttttttt..... esok ajak customer aku makan kat mana lak yer?

i'm in pain... giler sakit gusi aku skrg ni. for the first time ever in my life aku gi dentist to take out my tooth. selalunyer gigi2 aku yg lain aku biar jer dia tanggal sendiri... of course la bila baru sampai tu don't know what to expect. so, nervous la jugak. then dia amik the srynge with very long needle... still ok.. sampai kali ke-4 tu aku dah start cuak. aku tgk alat2 dia... damn... semua scary... tapi still ok lagi... pastu dia amik pisau potong2 skit.. still ok sbb tak rasa apa2... then dia start la pulak tekan2 ke bwh and try cabut... gagal... bila start dia menekan ngan bersungguh buat kali ke-3 aku dah start menangis.. punya la sakit masa tu.. tangan aku naik kejang sbb dentist tak kasi angkat2 badan. aku ckpla.. camner nak tak angkat badan.. that is a reaction to a pain. adala dlm 1.5 jam aku nyer gigi kena kerja kan. 2 kali gigi pecah sbb time tarik, spanar slip and pecahkan gigi kat atas and setiap kali tu aku menjerit ngan kuat nyer... sure org kat luar gerun jer dgr

bole la pulak dentist tu ckp... sabar dik... amik nafas ngan mulut, hembus pelan2 ikut idung.. mmg sakit, saya tau.... masa tu aku rasa bangang ke apa doktor ni... tak nampak ke darah aku terpercik sampai ke tudung dia... time tu dah xleh pk dah... sakit dia kalau aku nak gambarkan is like ko ada luka.. and then ko tekan kuat2 luka tu... bila dah tak tahan sgt aku hampir2 jer nak give up tapi doktor ckp kalau stop lagi teruk krg sbb aku nyer gusi dah kena potong. so, when the pain eases a little, aku tekadkan diri.. biar sakit camner pun, aku akan tahan jer... last2 alhamdullilah, dia tarik kuat2 and aku mmg pasrah jer masa tu... and kuar gak akhirnyer gigi bungsuku bersama akar2 nyer skali...

it seems that my gigi bongsu nyer akar bercantum and bengkok ke kiri... patutla sakit. itula pengalaman aku yg paling ngeri mencabut gigi.. lepas ni xde la aku nak cabut gigi dah. aku kena 2 jahitan. jumaat baru bole bukak... arrggggghhh... seksanya rasa...

aku ada boss. aku ada keja... aku kena sara diri sendiri and give some to other people... that means i cannot lose my job. so, i need to work very hard coz i know if i cannot feed myself nobody would. at least that is how i think since i was in high school. so... it is sometimes very irritating to keep saying and explaining that i have to work... and i cannot do certain stuff at certain time because my big boss is very punctual. if he caught me coming late to the office.. then i'm dead. i am not a trader that make millions of dollars, i am just an operator... that at times have to spend some money. get it?

i'm defintitely not a good person, if i am a good person i would never do the things that i did. i'm dying inside knowing that i can't undo it. everyone has their limits... i think i'm nearing mine. i don't know what i would do. i tried to be nice... but maybe i'm naturally an evil person. so, eventually, the evil me will surface.

btw, aku tgh tgk naruto skrg ni... sgt tekun menontonnyer.. sampai harry potter pun aku tolak tepi. kena baca dari mula lagi skali la nampak gayanyer.

aku dah bertunang... :) the feeling, very difficult to explain but deifinitely happy. i think i'm doing the right thing and i'm happy because everyone in the family also happy. we have not have a wedding for a very long time and now will be looking forward for one. so, i cannot spoil this one. skrg aku dah ada dua cincin yg aku suka and i'll try not to get fatter so that i can always put it on my fingers...

cannot thank enough to all my friends yg sudi dtg with a very short notice.. elly for helping out on my make-up, hantaran and also shopping for the hantaran. both aku ngan matde guna byk brg elly masa bertunang tu. kalau nak kawin nanti aku mesti ajak ko gak.

i know my decision to get married with matde is kinda shock. maklumla, asyik gaaaduh jer. in fact we split for almost a month before that. but when i finally get back to him, i donn't see the point of trying to leave him anymore.. so, we had some discussions and decided to just get married... :) also, it's getting lonely with everyone busy with work and all. u cannot possibly hang out every nite. penat dohhh... i have faith in him and i'm sure he'll be a very successful man one day ...

akhirnya nak bertunang gak aku... :) very tiring process... nak kena cari baju, brg2 hantaran, kena buat hantaran. aku yg kurang creative dalam mengubah2 ni trasa sgt terseksa... mlm semalam bersungguh2 aku mencari bahan & gubah sendiri.. simple but i think it look nice. the only thing yg akan nampak off is the tmpt cincin. aku rasa nanti aku nak bukak balik and buat semula la. buruk nak mampus... murah la tapi benda tu... cuma 10 ringgit jer. kalau aku buat sendiri lagi lawa and murah. nyesal tul. tula... never shop when u r so damn tired.

aku hampir2 breakdown semalam sbb penat sgt. lusa lak nak kena basuh bilik sbb dah buat tido kucing. ciss sungguh la kucing tu. bole la plak gi branak dlm bilik kakak aku tuh. so, aku amik 2 hari cuti. rumah aku dah lama xde kenduri tunang or kawin. so, akan mengerah tenaga ngan secukup2 nyer la aku khamis, jumaat ni. aku nak suruh matde dtg tolong aku bersihkan rumah la. nasibla.. sapa suruh offer diri ari tu.

wish me luck people... hopefully sampai ke jinjang pelamin la kami berdua ni... amin....

aku ada kat permata skrg ni. ada course till wednesday. best tak yah kerja.. actually kena gak keja skit2. kerja aku ni, kalau ada phone jer pun bole jln. course yg aku amik ni utk aku nyer performance appraisal next yr. barula tau betapa pentingnyer appraisal ni. last yr aku buat asal utk hantar jer. gitu2 jer.

bila dah amik course2 camni. slalu la aku terpk where am i going in petronas. definitely aku xnak duduk kat satu position lama2. nak gakla jadi manager and all. it looks doable. but never knows la kan. anything can happen. and i'm sure in about 2 more yrs, i'll be dead bored with what i'm doing. so, definitely need to do something else as challenging as this but with less work and more rewarding. ermm... apa agaknyer tu yer.

skrg ni aku agak2 takut nak plan ahead coz whatever that i plan mmg 90% tak jadi or totally jadi benda lain. then i got too frustrated..and bla bla bla.. so, camner tu? fail to plan is plan to fail... cenggitu la kan. apa aku kena buat? kena plan ka?

"a lot like love".... not too sure if the movie out yet but i've watched it in cd... my sister said it was too slow.. luckily i watched it anyway... well.. i loved it. ashton is so cute and amanda peet also kinda cute... they look lovely together... :) i'm a sucker with this kind of movies, i like my bestfreind's wedding, sleepless in seattle, i got mail and never been kissed or... don't forget 50's first date.. movies like this is very easy to follow and u don't really have to wrecked your brain to get the message and not violent in any way. romantik gak aku rupanyer... if u don't like romantic movies, don't watched it... because it is indeed slow...

biasala kan... my life evolves around matde,work, reading books and movies... so, right now i'm reading this one book. a fantasy book. this is the first time that i read a fantasy book that does not involve any magic in it. for me, this book is quite interesting because one of the gods' or god's companion was a prostitute. so, prostitution is a common thing and they can even sell their children to become a prostitute one day.. the storyline goes like this. she was sold into this prostitution world... and one day was bought by one gentlemen and trained to be a spy. so, she is a whore-cum-spy. interesting ehh.... aku x abis baca lagik... but it get's more and more interesting. cuma biasala, at first it was quite confusing to understand the setting/the characters because they totally make it up and try to get as strange a name possible for a character.

a lot of people wonders about matde... i don't know why. is it because he never really hang out with his frens anymore or just for the sake of making a conversation with me. but, anyways, he is ok. better than before... i guess...

ok.. that's it... i've covered about book, matde and movie. maybe next week i'll start bitching about may endless work... i'm just taking it easy today because i was in the office for a full week this week... and by the 5th day normally i'll laid back a little.

company aku nak terbitkan satu majalah/suratkhabar by the name Berkat. pastu diorg mintak nominations.. since aku ingat nak jadi lecturer one day and ada mimpi2 nak tulis buku.. aku ingat aku nak try jadi AJK dia. cuma kena nominate myself la.. iyerla.. nak tunggu org nominate mmg jgn harap ler... sapa ler yg kenal aku kat sini kan. terperuk jer buat kerja kat ujung tuh. sampai colleague sendiri pun aku x ingat buat apa. nasib baik semua org nyer nama aku dah tau.

so... my dreams aside... seperti biasa... aku nak bercakap pasal hati and perasaan.... normally if nobody has never broke your heart, u cannot possibly understand what it means to be broken hearted. some people even die because of it. really... the pain, it is just unbeareable. it feels like someone has stabbed your heart over and over again. the first time i was broken hearted, i almost went crazy myself... i cried and cried, i cannot eat, i cannot sleep... literally... i thought i was losing my mind. i lost like 10 kg in one month. but then when that phase was over... of course la i gained another 15 kg... sometimes... it is kindly pointless to get an opinion from someone who never went through it because all they gonna tell is the logical part... be like this, be like that, be strong and bla2... and do they know what it really really feels like? i don't think so... my heart has been broken about 6 times already... and it gets easier to move on by the 6th time. but that does not mean that i want to go through it again. the pain is the same if not more but i'm able to get on my feet faster... it takes me about 3 days to get over the crying/not sleeping/not eating phase by the 6th time.

so, if your heart was broken for the first time... take it easy on yourself.. do whatever to make yourself feel better. but not to the point of killing somebody or yourself of course or injuring yourself...

dah pukul 6 skang ni. baik tak aku, mengguna kan masa office ngan sebetul2 nyer... after 6 baru berleka2... eheheh... ok, cukupla memuji diri sendiri...

i think a lot lately, one of it is... how do u know whether someone will stick by u through bad or good. most of the time, people will stick around when you are at your peak. when u have a lot of money, very good at your studies and a politician.. these goes the same for even our parents... do u think that they will stick by u if u did something that embarass them? the first thing that they do is just throw u out. it is very sad... whe u really think about it. just imagine... u are at ur lowest, u keep failing school for some reasons... or u just fucked up... took drugs or get urself pregnant. in general, u are good people... but when u started involved in these things... do u think u parents will stick around? or even your frens? that is sad... okla... sad2 pun... aku nak minum ngan member aku nih.

esok aku nak citer pasal batman lak... best gakla citer tu. nasib baik matde paksa aku gi. kalau tak.. mmg x tgk ler...

i'm very2 tired... my work is killing me... slowly or not... it is... i even quit my fitness club coz i can't even find the time to go... sometimes only once or twice a month.

walaupun kerja yg mmg melambak2 and xde gaya nak abis pun... aku telah volunteer myself to be the team leader for Meeting with Vice President of Oil Business in Petronas. Since everyone else in the committee has their task. the last thing they nominate is the team and i have no choice but to step put to the plate... giler la... i cannot even organize Rush's birthday party/ATU re-union... and now i'm organizing a party for my Vice President. wish me luck guys. i really hope this one will go smoothly.

i think all these while, i always imagine myself living a hard difficult life. and it did turns out like that. since i was a child, i can't seem to have enough money. sometimes to the point of starving myself. my pride just did not allow me to ask money from my parents... the result, i do not know how to spend my money... i cannot shop. everytime i tried shopping, i started calculating my money in the bank and gauge whether it will be enough or not... not too sure whether it is a good or bad habit. sometimes bad for me coz i'm the most ill-dress exec here and always have no appropriate cloth to wear to functions/dinner. and then, my boyfreind... i just cannot understand why he cannot be a successful person when he is with me... maybe i always think he is a loser..(sorry matde)... and to those who still confuse what is going on between me and matde... yeah... we are together again... :) even though he has 1000 faults in him... i still want to be with him.. okla.. kalau aku teruskan.. sure aku kutuk2 dia lagi kan.. so, i better stop now.

so, what i'm going to say is... from now on, i will always imagine that my life in the future will be very2 easy. matde will be a millionare.. i'll be satisfied with my job/career and will never get fat, my family will love me and bla.. bla bla.... i hope my dear readers will pray the same for me too..

lately bloggers are given a lot of attention in the media..... i came across articles about bloggers kat dlm business week and herald... maybe aku pernah baca something kat NST gak kot... tp kecik jer column dia..blog is dangerous because it is totally unscreened by anyone... media kat mana2 pun di control oleh some organization kan tapi kita ni membebel la ntah apa2 tah... blog is a new form of freedom of speech. and once it was publish... no way u can take it back.. i think i read one article about one blogger that has been sued by one politician in singapore because the blogger has said something bad about him... damn... so, anytime u have any strong opinion about a politician or a government or even a company... be very2 careful on your comment. they have a lot of recources and you don't want something bad happen to u just because of your opinion.... don't get fool by thinking that just because you are living in democratic country u can say just about anything...

anyways... bloggers aside, what are u going to do when ur x is getting married and there is no way u going not to see him happily together with his wife in your lifetime... he is always be there somewhere in your life... maybe that is why try not to have a relationship with your frens or someone that live nearby or a relative... or better yet, do like natalie portman did in closer... go to a different country, met someone and never give him your real name. so, when things just did not work out, u leave him and the country... he won't be able to find you when he thinks he wants to screw you again. smart isn't it?

had lunch with philippines broker just now. we'll... before that we tried to celebrate my boss birthday which turns out to be a total disaster. first i was not in d mood, sec. my colleague just plain ***** which i don't think i can tolerate him now... he is just a total *** sometimes...

ok.. i was just in a very bad mood. that's all... ok.. off to shopping now.

the last book i read was Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. It was awesome.... initially, it looked like a typical american story book but in the end, it gets really interesting.. tells about a relationship between a mother and daughter. i almost cried reading this... i would recommend to those that wants to read this book. it really get me thinking about me and my mother. well... when i was young, my mother was sooo busy with her other kids (i have 4younger brothers/sister) so, she did not have time for me... so, i felt neglected. but now, she has all the time in the world to worry about me. sometimes i really hate that coz, there's a lot of stuff that she won't allow me to do... but anyways, i loved her so much and i cannot imagine life without her. even though i never really tell her my problems, but it is always nice to know that there's someone that will always be there for you no matter how terrible u have been. THat is what we call mother's love... the unconditional love....

lately i have been watching sex and the city or in short SATC. i don't know why but everytime i watched Big hurt Carrie... i will cry. without fail. it was sad... so sad...

:) aku rasa kalau aku x mengutuk laki mmg x sahkan... kesian member2 laki aku. kdg2 tu yg baik2 lak yg trasa. yg agak2 nakal2 ke arah2 menghancurkan idup org tu x lak pulak trasa. anyaways... aku akan cuba sedaya upaya utk x menyakiti hati sapa2... ni la padahnyer kalau mulut xde insurance.

aku nak kena gi gym dah nih. oo... aku join gym skrg. that is how i feel my nite life and that is also how i don't feel that lonely even though i'm not dating right now. weekend lak kat rumah. member2 suma or almost suma bz with all other stuff. at first it feels weird for not really having contact with people in a day. or just a normal conversation. but i know it is something that we just have to deal with. if i cannot handle one more bad relationship... i have to be alone for quite sometimes.... but who knows, maybe since aku ada byk kat kg... tiba2 ada org terpikat ngan rambut pendek aku ker?

okla.. time to pilate... laters....

hari ni ari ahad. adik aku nak gi cc. so, here i am....

aku skrg ni agak2 menyampah ngan citer melayu skrg. mostly potray wanita melayu ni lemah and senang ditindas. yg pompuannyer lak trima jer... x fight langsung. kot yer pun kalau mak mentua tu agak2 mcm nak membunuh dia, try2 la sepak2 skit ker.. lari dari rumah ker. x creative langsung. ni la kalau rumah xde astro and dvd player... tgk jerla citer melayu yg x pernah brubah jln citer nyer.

sbnrnya real life pun xla beza sgt dari citer drama melayu tuh. selalunye bila laki be it a husband or boyfriend buat sial, the girl maafkan jer. sometimes enough for the guy to say sorry. and that's it. when something like that happen again, all he has to say, "sorry honey, i did not see it coming... u see, this kind of thing just come without warning, forgive me ya..." sambil buat muka sedih2 skit and then ckpla yg kalau minah tu x maafkan nak langgar pokok la, xnak makan la.... and bla2... what a jerk. and the girl pun.. apalagi, maafkan la...

the worst thing about all these is the guy doesn't have to see and hear the girl crying her heart out at nite. her frens will have to see it. her other girl frens would be the one that will be there, consoling, calm her down. if i have my ways, i will call and scold all these stupid men. i can understand why some people evntually go back to the old partner. they somtimes afraid of the future. takut x kawin and all. which is valid. kat mesia skrg ni, pompuan lagi ramai dari laki. so, aku paham la. but at least please fight a little. pls don't let him do that to u over and over again. always keep in mind that sometimes enough is enough......

makin lama makin cepat lak masa berlalu... tiba2 jer dah 25 aku nih. tiba2 jer dah 1 tahun aku kerja kat petronas.
i got a new ceo and he made a major overhaul to the company. restructuring the people. well.. since i'm new and only a baby, i don't really care... things like this i bet always happen. u cannot expect too much when working in a big organization easp like petronas.

i come to realization, in petronas, you need to have a good relationship with your superior. u might be the best staff there but if u are hated by your superior... there is no where u can go. but if u are not so good... loose some money, here and there but knows how to golf, go to all the parties, organize stuff... u can be someboday someday. since i'm not too good in doing those. i cannot help but wonder, what will i be in 10 yrs time. for sure i do not want to stay doing what i'm doing for the next ten yrs... i would love to venture in something else... maybe i would do as what my predecessor did, moved to MLNG marketing department. i heard they travelled a lot over there... ehehe... travelling a lot can be fun and can be a lot of work sometimes too...

i travel at least once a month. but when i travel, nobody will take over my job in the office. the heap of my inbox getting bigger each day that i'm gone... so... actually by travelling, i had more stuff to do than not. but hey, since the allowance is good... bole la... ehehe..

aku mmg dah lama nak update... tapi tak kesampaian.
mmg agak tensi aku lately nih... tapi skrg aku try to take it very slow...and agak2 malas nak buat kerja. rasa nak tido jer...

watched "Alfie" last nite. a true womanizer movie. he is living life to the fullest. i will really2 hate him in real life. but since he looked so damn hot in the movie, i just have to like him a little ;) i think men in general is a player. they cannot seem to be with only one women. maybe it's in their nature? not that i'm ok with the idea. i was just trying to understand this thing. on a softer note, i do like the idea of living the simplest life u can. not tyring to get as much money as we can or like he put it "i don't want to be the richest stiff in the graveyard". that is why i love American beauty that much. Kevin Spacey left his meaningless life to work in low-paying job but his life improved drastically after that. he's able to live his life to the fullest.

disclaimer: the following is not to say i hate this guy, just pointing out how stupid a man can be
last nite, out of pure stupidity, my best friend's boyfriend dragged my bestfriend to meet his other girlfrend to discuss who should be his girlfren. And he did this at Puduraya. Can't he be even more stupid than that? and then he left my bestfreind at Puduraya to accompany his other girlfriend to her hometown. why la... why??? what was he thinking? nak kata tak sekolah... masuk gak U. takleh ke pikir camner prasaan kawan aku tuh? i don't know how my freind is coping with it. She has been with this guy for the last 5 years... maybe some girls just need to be a little stupid to fall for someone like that before she can be a little bit smarter. what a waste of time to love someone as stupid as that for so long. i really hope she will realize it now...

i officially hate my life... i know that is a really terrible thing to say but as of now. i do... i had a crush with someone that is already has a girlfren and going serious with her. the guys that keep calling me already has a girlfren and what is he doing calling/buggin me? my x couldn't just leave me alone... I NEED SPACE AND TIME... no wonder u are a drop out. u cannot even understand those 5 words...

and today i found out that i cannot take my very much needed vacation. everyone will not be in the office and i have to stay. i almost cried in front of the traders just now. one more push and that's it... they will see me crying. god.. i am such a baby. i hate them... hate it... hate it... and off course, my terminal is always having problems... plan2 pun tak guna. nothing works... cannot push here, cannot push there... so... what i do then? write this damn blog.,... fuck fuck fuck....

and for your info i am not experiencing any PMS... not at all... i just fustrated with everything that is going on... very very frustrated.... can i just kill everyone around me and be done with it? maybe i should just quit and become a waiter? or stop working in one hour?

everything is my fault. stop taking responsibility... my trader said. now, they said take some... you know what just fuck yourself and be done with it?

i lost it again just now. i couldn't keep my temper sometimes... it is just annoying. i have told them do not sell the cargo. they did not want to listen. maybe i just cannot cool it... damn... now my trader must have hated me. why the hell did he say that. he made a mistake, i have to cover.

sometimes i feel like smacking him in the face. biar dia tau skit. oh well... what is done, is done... tomorrow is just another day. and speaking about tomorrow... my very very good friend will be getting engage tomorrow. i won't miss it for the world. she meant a lot to me and i will be there for her coz i know she must want me to be there.

i hope she will be very happy with the person she decided to live with.

got a msg from the trader just now and he sounded pissed. i know i have to control my temper if i want to survive in this industry.. but do i care that much? of course not. i just want to think about my vacation next two weeks. just need some days off so that i can rejuvenate and think clearly....

ohh.. last nite watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it was awesome. very meaningful. how can someone erase his memory just to forget all that he remembered about his girlfren? i don't think so... the feelings surely still be there. so, it is kinda pointless to try erasing it. coz in the end, you wouldn't have a clue on what is going on. not to mention the confusions...

so, how terrible the memories are... how sad it is... surely there will be some good memories.. maybe all of us should learn to embrace the good memories and try to throw again the bad ones. it is out of the norm, for sure. normally we tend to remember the not so good memories and forget the good ones...

yada.... yada... yada..... till later.

i only have 15 mins for this entry and then i'll go to check out cd.. want to get a new Kelly Clarkson album. i'm a sucker for lady singer cd... i rencently bought Dido, Mariah Carey and alicia Key's cd.. kelly clarkson just great and her songs just about right for my taste.. marah laki skit2 here and there...ehehhe

okla.. i thing i haven't been nice or actually has been terrible to matde all this time. i simply cannot say something good about him and even though i try to give a little credit like the last entry, i cannot help but to include some sacarstic remarks... so, this entry i'll dedicate to him...so bare with me folks coz this is like once in a lifetime thingy for me... and matde as i promised... no more bad stuff for you

i like matde because he knows how to treat me and it is suprising how he can make me laugh after i cried. he said romantic things without creeping me out and he can be soooo sweet sometimes i just want to hug him... ehehehe... ok.. dah muntah blum? he can bare with almost all perangai buruk aku easp when i simply want to be mad without reason... so.. all in all... i know i will not find a second matde anywhere in the world.

:)... we are not a couple not because i don't like him but because i strongly believe he is not ready for a committment. afterall, he is still studying and will take sometimes to figure out what he wants. but, kalau kawan baik pun bole bertunang in two week times, ini kan pula org yg pernah couple for almost 3 years... we'll just see what will happen..

i think i have some difficulties in differentiating an entry for everyone to read and also a diary... so, i think i should go easy with this blogger thingy... do not try to update anything suspicious... sometimes, i wrote something but other people misunderstand my point and stuff happened. i do not think this is good.

so... since most people do think that i know only the stuff that i am doing... and nothing else... i have nothing else to write but what i feel. or my experience... which normally is not good. there were good stuff but the bad ones never fail to overcome the good ones.

i haven't seen a movie, read a book, news paper, watch the news, hang out with frens... ermmm... my life has been reduced to go to sleep, drive my car off/to work, work and eat.... ermm... interesting... and my i have started to have a conversation with myself...

oohhh... just to straighten things out... when i refer to bastardo... i'm not referring to matde, i was referring to my first x. matde is my sec x and still is... he is not that bad a person even though he did behaved like a bastardo occasionally.... there's a lot of quality in him that can be admired... i was angry not with all men but only some of it easp who has hurt my frens intentionally. and they do not deserved to be loved or missed... and every single day, i pray to Allah that one day my first x will get what he deserved and he will realized that is because he has hurt me again and again...

ok... time to go home... peace...

wahahaha..... aku rasa teruk giler aku nyer entry last nite. sbb tu aku amend balik..... nantila aku buat entry baru. baru masuk office ni... kelaparan juga

dah lama tak tulis ni, so, payah skit nak start.

nothing new in my life... same old stuff... girl frens decieved by their boyfrens.... girl frens cried and get really hurt. i called the boifrens bastard and still refer to my x as little bastard. so, here we were talking about a bunch of bastaros. i cannot help but wonder, ramai gak rupanyer bastardo dalam dunia ni. sgt ramai... camner agaknyer bastardo2 ni bole ujud dlm dunia? is it because of the way they were brought up? did their mom treated them horribly till they just have to get back to the women they met later? ermmm... tapi malas la aku nak pikirkan pasal bastardo2 nih... buat sakit kepala aku jerk.

cried... how i cried... beleive or not. i am such a big crier... i cried over almost everything. when i feel sad, i cry, when i am too happy, i cry and when i'm confuse and don't know what to do.. i cry. when of course, certain someone lied.. and treat me like shit... i cry. will this tears ever stop pouring down? ever? i was watching sex and the city the whole season six last weekend. it was soo touching... and i cried. okla tu kan.. tapi camner aku bole nangis tgk spiderman 2? truk tul... 2 kali lak tu. kalau tgk industan... mmg takyah ckp la... sampai basah tudung aku ni ngelap air mata... mungkinkah juga aku ni seorg yg berhati halus? maybe.....

okla... dah pukul 7.... dah start menulis nih... sure esok ada lagik. tapi after 7 la plak kot.

it has been a stressful week... very stressful that i don't think i can even open up my eyes...
we had a very long department meeting. almost 2 hours... my concentration is only up to one hour. after that, i just pray that i can still think or follow the discussion. i have this prob since forever

in a conversation, u cannot talk for 10 mins straight because if u do and i start to look other than your face... there is a very high chance that i'm lost. easp if talking to the phone... after 10 mins the person on the other line bla2..... i will just have to ask the same quest again. sounds stupid aaa... maybe i am. ehehe

just realized how many people have a blog right now. I started my blog in 2002 i think. it was kind boring.. all i do was go to school, go home.. hang out... that's about it. nothing to write about.

now, i think i have more to say. i read more and listen less. bla2... aku ingat aku nak try tak update blog for 1 month la.. and tak check blog or whatever... try to live without this blogger thingy. it must be strange... well...how am i suppose to know how it feels if i never do it right? people always say that i am very optimistic. maybe i am. is it good to be too optimistic? i always believe in moderation. be moderate in whatever we do, in spending, eating or sleeping. okla.. i lied. i love to sleep. kalau cuti jer, aku akan tido the whole day. i'll wake up only to eat, pray and bathroom call... but how long can i do that? since i am single with no calon laki, i will have to "berusaha" and find a husband. and i still don't know cukup tak kalau aku cuma doa jer to get a husband but never physically try to find one. i am not physically attractive. most guys want someone yg demure, putih, nampak mcm mengikut kata... bla2.... if they meet someone yg outspoken, mesti taknak kan... ok, here's my dilemma, if i become too close a friend to a guy, he will think that i am too precious to loose, so.. there will be no chance of any relationship other than frens. but if i only see them once a week and keep a distance, i won't know him that well. how am i suppose to live with someone i barely know? how?

okla.. cukupla beta mengarut. penat dah sbnrnya nih. so... i'll update again in one month time. if i update earlier than that, means i cannot live with this blog... wahahahahahaha....

i am officially 25. 25 feels normal. feels a little bit old but still normal. i have gained a little weight. but that's ok coz still within my normal or acceptable weight.
i am a very poor dresser... so poor that one of the managers here told me to change my way of dressing. what the hell? she asked me to dress like a young people. try to be as flamboyant as i can be. i cannot understand why some people go out of their way to change people. to make people conform to something... why can't they make me be me. i feel comfortable with the way i'm dressing... i know it is not attractive nor appealing. and they start comparing me with the other girls here. damn la. kalau la dia tu bukan a manager that can have a say in my future, i will definitely say to her "this is why i leave my home in Klang and stay in KL.do u you want me to leave this place also?". ehehehe... sah2 la aku susah nak naik gaji krg.

in 2 days time, i'll be 25... i'm not going to fret on what i should do or not do coz i've done that before. i freaked out about a month ago when i realized that i'll turn 25 soon. but now i'm pretty much accept the fact that i will definitely be 25.

over 2004, i have some regrets and for 2005... some hopes... off course, i hope i could be a better and wiser girl. 2004 was all about break-ups, heartache, insecurities and bla2.... wish i don't have to go through it? maybe not, life would be pretty boring without the ups and downs... i don't think i can lead a monotanous life...

okla... hungry already. sleepy too. been working fucking hard these few days... i deserve a little rest. some dvd, a swim, and whatever it is...

dah lama aku x beli n baca paper. since dah jadi tsunami ni, hari2 aku baca perkembangan nyer. giler la.. was this the first time such things happened in Malaysia? All my life i believed that Malaysia is protected by most natural disasters. maybe that is not so true anymore. so, bawak2la bertaubat dari skrg yer tak?

when i was in Michigan, I took one econ class "Decision Making". We learnt how to make decisions, what factors affecting our decisions. I voluntereed in one study where we have to decide between two cases:

case 1:
you have food and can get safely to the destination to feed 100 people.

case 2:
you have food but it is not safe to get to 200 people.

which route will you choose? do you want to save 100 or 200 people? It is very hard. I'm not sure what I chose. But the point is, it is never easy to make a decision. Easp if it is something very vague like your future? Maybe at times like this it is wise to ask Allah make the decision for you. I truly beleive in prayer. You must pray and ask for HIS help. Afterall, this is Allah's world and we are only staying here for a while. one day we will leave this world. why worry so much about stuff. Just laid back and enjoy. Enjoy the little time we have on earth. if later on we faced a problem, take some times to grief, get back on your feet, find a solution and move on. that's what life all about. you fall... you get up again...

ui... bole jadi pakar perunding aku nih. maybe after aku abis kerja ngan pet, amik psychology class and jadi psychologist. ermm... interesting.

lately, aku spend aku nyer weekends to tgk baby, gi tgk member tunang, kahwin... you know.. seeing other people getting to the next phase of life... by the next year sure tgk baby member2 yg kawin this yr lak... uii... errmmm... my world is changing rapidly without me realizing it...

takla change sgt sbnrnya... mostly yg nak kawin ni pun my x-high school mate, x-budak2 asrama and x-primary school mate... cousin2 yg sebaya or younger... yg older suma dah kawin... even makcik aku yg paling lewat kawin pun dah kawin... so, next year... bila umur dah masuk 25... lagi few days jer tuh.. bole kira ngan jari dah... 7-8 days jer lagik... mesti aku akan dgr "so, jirah bila nak kawin? eer... jgn lambat2.. baik kawin skrg.. rugi tak kawin cepat2" agak2nyer kalau aku bagi penyepak sikit kat dia, ok tak? apa ingat aku sengaja ker buat gitu? tp karang kalau aku citer panjang lebar kang.. tak abis 3 hari 3 malam la pulak.

ermm.. baru dpt email dari aku nyer supplier. dia piss off skit sbb aku marah dia semalam. aku dah stress, dia pun dah stress... so.. apa lagi. kena hantar sorry card la camni.... flirt2 skit.. bagi sejuk hati dia skit... skali skala gaduh2 apa salahnyer. a little, harmless argument may streghthen a relationship what.....

ok, i shouldn't be doing this. kalau aku stay in the office until tonight pun i'm not going to finish my work... malas nyer la nak start. aku dah kemas meja... i do that everytime i feel like i don't want to do anything. every single things gone wrong right now. i think satu benda jer yg going smoothly. kat Tg. Sulong tgh load satu kapal yg dtg on time. itu jerla yg paling normal. yg lain suma gone crazy already. i was so stressed out yesterday i wonder why i still hairs on top of my head.

i am going crazy. what the hell i'm writing a blog when there's a million things to do? well... that's simple. although i have a to do list. i still cannot bring myself to really put the effort in doing them. malas la... malas... 10x

oohh... i got a pimple on my right cheek... lama dah tak tumbuh pimple kat situ. normally between the nose and lips or on the forehead. trasa pelik coz everytime i touch my face, trasa ada something is not right. ok2.. i should stop now. ramai lagi yg ada byk lagi pimple kat pipi dari aku.

last 2 nights watched a movie "Closer".. Natalie Portman berlakon jadi a stripper. she's a New Yorker and went to UK coz she was heart broken. in UK fell in love with a guy and guess what? she does not use her real name and after 4 years when the relationship simply does not work out, she left UK and went back to NY. It is very nice if I can do like that. go to a new place with a new name. if it does not work out. leave the place and identity. at least won't have to go to the places where you've been with the guy. easp when u are the one who has to stay and keep hearing that bla2 is bla2...and so on, so on... that sucks...
the tagline "if you fall in love on the first sight, you will never stop looking"

i am reading a book tilted "The Dirty Dozen". it's a military stuff... i know you would loved the book matde, that's why i never told you about it... eheheh... i want to read it first and since it's not mine, like hell i'm going to give it to you...

anyway, the book is about 12 soldiers that were condemned to the gallows... but someone in a the higher office wanted to use these men for invasion in someplace.. not too sure where.. the settings were during World War two..1944...it is very interesting and a page turner... i really really recommend this book.

i really cannot take coffe.. too much caffeine... my body just cannot accept it. mcm amik drugs lak rasa. not that i have taken any, i imagine jer.. tgn aku menggeletar, bdn trasa sejuk2 and i cannot think straight. at times like this when kerja menimbun2 terkena lak camni..

aku nyer lifestyle makin tak btul. before, due to never enough money around, aku tak minum soft drniks, junk food and stuff.. bole makan nasi and benda2 wajib jer... tapi skrg ni, mcm2 aku telan. byk duit la katakan... ehehe...

oo... just like to boost around.. i went to a sauna last friday and there was one lady that commented that i looked like a 19 year old... ehehe... bangga tu mmg takleh nak cakap la.. that nite, when i went out with bopi, i couldn't stop saying to him that i looked 19 sampai dia naik nyampah... but maybe without tudung baru nampak 19 kot... anyways, she just made my day... truly made my day. keh keh keh...

"All relationships end at some point -- some by break up or divorce, others by death. There are no guarantees in life and there are none in love. Amazingly, every time you love, you take a chance of being hurt or left, and yet we still yearn to love. This is because we inherently know that there is no greater joy then being in love. Remember all of the times you have gotten hurt in love already. You are still intact, all parts attached, functioning. You survived. If you fall in love, you will probably have to survive a loss of some sort again. But isn't it worth it? "

plus, as quoted by Tony Parson "if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster"

it is amazing how i have healed by now... i mean you should see me on sunday last 2 weeks. i look liked i could just kill myself. the first time, i took about a few months, the sec time about few weeks and the third time about few days... and fyi, this is done by the same guy...

the problem was, when i healed, i forgot... when i forgot and he comes back into my life, i will off course, accept him back easpecially when i am single... such a believer like myself always have a romantic ideas about love.. we put too much faith in people. we have no reason to hurt people, thus we think they won't hurt us too. so, we fall in love as easily as changing our clothes... we trust and believe and put our heart on his platter... and slowly... they slice it little by little and sprinkle some lemon juices to add some flavor and drop it nicely on the floor before finally trampled it with their big ugly legs... kalau nak luka kan tu... luka kanla habis-habisan kan...

to fall in love is something that i always wanted to feel. it is the best feeling in the world... it makes me smile and smile... and smile.....

baru jer abis meeting. giler banyak meeting aku skrg ni. is this good or bad?

in Petronas, since it is very big, you really have to look not only at your small division before making decisions. you need to evaluate in total. say if you need to ask people to shoulder your loss. you need to really study and look, if by shouldering your loss, is it a real loss compared to others? i might loose 10 dollars when they might loose 100 dollars... if you simply jump and shoot , then mampusla kena sembelih krg. and i am not a somebody yet. The "somebody" here really knows how to twist your words so that you will look very insignificant and stupid. you must be really careful not to cross this kind of people.

there's a lot of things that i learn during my months in petronas. easp since aku masuk ni, ada jer problem.... mcm pembawa masalah lak aku nih. one is try to think like a guy (almost all colleagues are guys). when discussing an issue, try not to be emotional, be objective, careful in wording your sentences, do not protray yourself as desperate or unprofessional. look at the issues in a bigger prospectives... i.e for the greater good for petornas. if all fails, everyone will use that words.

well... sbnrnya, aku selalu jugak loose my temper when talking to my supplier or customer. kalau time2 tgh PMS tuh. ada lak yg buat hal.. saja jer la tu kan. dptla a piece of my mind. sian diorg... ada yg sampai kena buang kerja. cheh... trasa mcm power jerkk...

alright... time to stop working for a little bit and eat.

watched Ocean Twelve last night. it was simple and nice to watch... takderla terkejut2... it was like watching a hindustan movie where you just sit back and relax. of course it needs to be simple.. just imagine how much is the cost to bring each cast in easp people like julia roberts and brad pitt. She is the most expensive actress in US. I think she still is...

I adore her... i'll watch any movies that she's in... a movie will be a good movie if there is a good actor in it. Like Nicole Kidman, even though she starred in a stupid movie called Stepford Wives, i still think it is a good movie.. the storyline was very simple... but she knows how to make it a good movie...

Movies I've watched lately:
1.Bride and Prejudice: pls do not watch this movies, you will feel like killing yourself by the end of the movie. It protrays India as a country that only knows how to dance and sing and finding a husband...

2. Veer-a-Zaara: i like it.. coz there's shah rukh khan... he is just awesome.

3. Incredibles: Must watch cartoon... sapa2 nak blanja aku tgk lagi.. please do so

4. Alexander: first movie i watched alone.. with no feelings... so... not too sure whether it's good or not. and colin ferrel is not as pretty as brad pitt...

5. Ocean Twelve: just awesome.. i like it..

tak byk sgt options kat mesia ni... movie yg sampai dahla lambat... tak byk lak tuh... i missed the days when i go to movies there always like 15-20 movies to choose from not 2-3.

in an attempt of procastination... aku gi tgk next year nyer cuti... tak byk sgt cuti... ada a few jer cuti panjang2. since aku ada byk giler lagi tmpt kat mesia ni yg aku tak explore. aku ingat aku nak gi la sementara tgh single nih. nanti kalau dah ada laki, byk songeh la pulak kan.

and i have decided to get marry a little late... maybe after 29 or 28. getting married ni not an easy thing. nak kena jaga hati banyak org. which is tiring... biasala tuh, kalau dah takder yg sudi kat aku, terpaksala ada mind set camtu. tak gitu kawan2? ehehehe

anyways, places i'm yet to visit:
1. Langkawi
2. Pulau Kapas
3. Pulau Perhentian: is this a pulau?
4. Pulau Pinang:
actually aku cuma pernah visit pulau pangkor jer. so... aku akan pegi ke semua pulau2 yg ada... i'm sure byk lagi tuh...
5. Sabah/Sarawak.

as of now, itu jer kot ambition aku... ermm.. rasa cam nak gi switzerland (betul ker tmpt ko ni nazim?) aku pun tak ingat... ehehe... bole yer... aku beli tix kpl terbang jer.. lain ko blanja bole?

so, sapa2 nak gi travel tuh, ajak2 la aku...

aku bz giler skrg nih.... bz2 pun sempat gak aku update aku nyer blog la kan... ehehee.. ok, tak kelakar.

sbnrnya byk lagi benda2 yg aku tak experience dalam idup ni and i cannot say that i can understand a lot of what people are experiencing because i just never have to face it. like, i cannot say that i know how it feels to live in a broken family because my family is just fine. i cannot say i know how it feels to lost a child because i never have one, to lost a parent coz i still have both parents, to never know your father/mother coz i still have them and bla2.. the list can be very long here. it is very unfair to me to say i know how they feel when i never have to experience it. you could never be prepared for these stuff.

but i know how it feels to be dumped, to fail in an exam, PMS, to lost a friend over trivial stuff, to know that i am not wanted, to listen to my friends how great their boyfriends are when they are well aware that my boyfriends sucks... and also... the list can be very long here...so, i just gonna cut it short.

when i look back (see, i told you, my life is anchored by my past), i still have a long way to go in my life.. there's a lot more stuff that i never experienced or encounter... so, it's time to just put everything behind and live. like always....

ehehe... i was too emotional yesterday... not too sure why i was so angry. Early PMS kot.. you know the time of the month when you think everything is wrong... ehehehe

anyways, it was a beautiful morning. not too hot and not too cold. traffic was good also. it's gonna be like this until next year... best2...

i am reading a book by Tony Parson recently. It is about a guy who get so fucked up, he lost everything almost overnight. so, i'm reading about relationship through the eyes of a guy. which is very rare. normally guys are more comfortable writing about wars, fights, twisted story lines but not about feelings... all in all.. it was a good read. and actually still is.

when i was having dinner with my customer yesterday, we were talking about the year we were born... my customer was born in '71, one trader in '74, another trader in '72... and i'm in '80.. they were shocked.. coz they never work with someone that born in '80s.. almost like from another era... glad i'm still young... i am young... don't i... eheheh.. eventhough i born about 3 months late. by right i should born in October '79.... but maybe i just reluctant to face the world.. so, i stayed another 3 months inside my mom. it must be very cozy....

okla... i hope this entry will soften a bit on my yesterday's entry...

ermm.... ok... ok?

I think my life was anchored by my past (inspired by Kerry Bradshaw as in Sex and the City) and what's worse is that i always fear my future. I fear a lot of things.. or as matde used to say, why do i have to think too much? cool it..

so, I think i need to change my perspective of life.. that is, to just live for today. I do not want to care what the future will hold. why... why must I even care even about the past? what good will it do? mostly painful anyway. Even though ada yg sweet.. in the end it will lead to the painful events.. a very painful one. Argghhh... looks like i'm abusing myself. tak sudah2 menyakitkan hati sendiri.

I wanted to think like a man. most of them have no regrets of what they did. they went out with other girls even though they have someone and saw nothing wrong with it. I am yet to meet a guy who cares enough not to go out with other girl whenever the opportunity arises. even when he is about to get married, he can say to me that he is just engaged and not too sure whether it will end up in marriage. what the fuck was he talking about? does he has any compassion on his poor tunang/girlfriend? There should be some sort of police to arrest these assholes. put them somewhere.. these people are dangerous... detrimental to the mental health of other girls... but wait... most police are men... so, what do they care? as long as they got what they need.. why care about the girl they hurt. she'll live through it they said... like hell we do.

stupid stupid men. my heart goes to girls being dumped or duped by these stupid men. i have become a bitter person.. very bitter. that's ok, i blame it on those guys who treated me like i'm a piece of shit. who have promised sweet things to me but never meant it. told me lies.... i wishh (too censored already).

fuhhh.... puas hati aku.

ermm.... ok... ok?

I think my life was anchored by my past (inspired by Kerry Bradshaw as in Sex and the City) and what's worse is that i always fear my future. I fear a lot of things.. or as matde used to say, why do i have to think too much? cool it..

so, I think i need to change my perspective of life.. that is, to just live for today. I do not want to care what the future will hold. why... why must I even care even about the past? what good will it do? mostly painful anyway. Even though ada yg sweet.. in the end it will lead to the painful events.. a very painful one. Argghhh... looks like i'm abusing myself. tak sudah2 menyakitkan hati sendiri.

I wanted to think like a man. most of them have no regrets of what they did. they went out with other girls even though they have someone and saw nothing wrong with it. I am yet to meet a guy who cares enough not to go out with other girl whenever the opportunity arises. even when he is about to get married, he can say to me that he is just engaged and not too sure whether it will end up in marriage. what the fuck was he talking about? does he has any compassion on his poor tunang/girlfriend? There should be some sort of police to arrest these assholes. put them somewhere.. these people are dangerous... detrimental to the mental health of other girls... but wait... most police are men... so, what do they care? as long as they got what they need.. why care about the girl they hurt. she'll live through it they said... like hell we do.

stupid stupid men. my heart goes to girls being dumped or duped by these stupid men. i have become a bitter person.. very bitter. that's ok, i blame it on those guys who treated me like i'm a piece of shit. who have promised sweet things to me but never meant it. told me lies.... i wishh (too censored already).

fuhhh.... puas hati aku.

ok... aku ada byk giler kerja yg aku dah put on hold. mmgla aku sorg yg handle LPG Operation kat Petronas nih when there should be two. so, i use that as an excuse.. patutla a lot of people love to procastinate. it just feels damn good. it feels so good to not do the stuff that we should do. u will feel the adrenalin rush... when it is just close to the dateline. and after that, for sure die of exhaustion la kan. but hey, if it feels so good, then why not do it again.

i have not gone swimming for like a whole month, and sunburn aku pun almost gone... it feels weird when dah lama tak bersenam nih. is swimming a sport? i sucks at spots yg berkumpulan. mainly due to my non-active years at high school where i spend most of the time sleeping or waking up from sleep. even masa buat PE pun sometimes aku bole tido... colleague aku ckp kat Mutiara Hotel ada fitness club yg provide swimming pool. it is amazing how KL do not have a public swimmming pool. i just could not find it anywhere in KL. and i've been searching forever.. so, i can only go swimming during weekends kat shah alam. which means i have to go home to Klang. sometimes malas nak balik.

i think cukup2la ni... krg boss suruh gi meeting, baru kelam kabut nak prepare. i like my boss and my colleague. they just awesome. no pressure and all. i can do almost everything i can. if i'm not a hard working person, i'm sure i'm gone half of the day.. and they don't seem to care. as long as i finish my job..

thoughtful giler aku nyer entry lately nih... ermm.. what an acomplishment from a person that inconsiderate and un-thoughtful nih. anyways, i'll try to make it less thoughtful this time.

i bought one book recently after too long not having a book to read. actually i'm reading a book "alcheimist" but i skipped too many pages.. which means, i don't really enjoy it. so... time for a new book

anyways, back to the book. it's called "sophies world". it's like reading a philosophy textbook. i've took one philo class and i kinda like it eventhough i slept through the class. there's nothing i can do about it.. i just cannot go to lectures... for sure i'll fall asleep. there's nothing new really. same old philo stuff.

i miss roller-coasters, is there any rollercoasters in malaysia? ermm.. yeah, time square. maybe should go there la sometimes. tapi satu jer. maybe i should go to theme park. okla... next week ker, or time christmas.. coollll....

kla... xder idea dah yg nak di ramblings kan...

adakah jodoh itu ditakdirkan? if it's true, then all we have to do is sit in our home and one day, we will surely meet him. maksudnyer, tak perlu berdoa or mencari. just sit and do nothing about it. mcm peribahasa melayu, takkan lari gunung dikejar. but how true is it?

ok.. say that i am a drop-dead gorgeous and a saint. every guy that knows me just couldn't help but fall in love with me. so, when i randomly chose a guy from the many guys that love me, then he surely is a saint too coz according to popular belief, budak yg baik akan bertemu ngan org yg baik and vice versa.

tapi jika jodoh itu bukanlah ditakdirkan, and aku sentiasa berdoa "jiha so-and-so ditakdirkan untukku, satukanla kami dgn segera. tp jika tidak, jauhkanla dia dari hati dan pandangan ku" surely aku takkan jumpa sapa2 sbb tidak ada org yg ditakdirkan utk aku. aku kena cari and berusaha for a perfect guy for me. like when taking an exam. i studied like crazy so that even when i failed, i can still look back and say "at least i've tried". so, i should try my best to find a good husband for myself. i do not think this is a trivial matter.. just imagine, we will have to live with our husband 24-7. we have to stand by him through thick and thin. or like rush love to say "getting married is like getting inside a kapal, when u are going trough rough sea, it is up to the captain and the sailor to save the boat.. what happen if the boat finally sink? will u sink with it ? will u jump out to save yourself?"

still... the question remains, adakah jodoh sudah ditakdirkan utk semua org? silala jawab if any of you have the answers.....

selamat ari raya semua... aku rasa raya tahun ni aku paling relax... i did almost nothing to my house (klang or ampang). kuih raya pun x buat. i think even last yr aku buat sikit kuih raya. tahun ni, awal2 lagi aku bg duit kat mak aku, suruh beli kuih raya and xder plan nak buat or even bake a cake. x kemas rumah.. maybe tomorrow kot.

i had a short discussion with my fellow friend last wednesday. he asked an opinion about his girlfren. when i think like guy, then i totally agree with him on how to deal with his GF. but if i'm a friend to her gf, i think i will somewhat disagree with him. my opinion is very bias because i know him but not his gf.

anyhow, i honestly think most of the time we know what is wrong and what is right, what we suppose to do... and not. the question is whether we care our significant other enough to comply with his/her request. I believe in relationship there's a lot of compromises between two parties. you cannot expect the other person to listen to you if you do not listen to her right?. also, the guy really need to be stern. if you cannot control your gf now. what happen when you guys got married? by control not necessarily using brute force, there's a lot of ways to do it. a guy can control a girl without her knowing it... it's up to the guy's creativity.

i know i sounded too feminists sometimes. that mostly due to my upbringing. i become independent too early and it's very hard to listen to other people (even my parents). as much as i hate to admit, i do respect a guy that can make me listen to him and for once ask me not to do something that i know i shouldn't do but i will do it anyway just because i wanted to.

okla.. selamat hari raya semua...drive safe and have a blast.

ngantuk nyer.... hi bloggers.. never in my life i use this words... BLOGGERS.... i am a blogger... because i have a blog. i write crappy stuff in my blog... sometimes funny, sometimes not... a lot of times emotional... but when we start putting stuff for people to read. we are actually exposing ourself to criticism... eg. i wrote down that i'm falling in love... poeple might think i have a boifren. when i'm actually not. it's ok to think that i have one coz.. my words are misleading.. what i really want to get across is that, people judge. like it or not, we do. so.. sometimes, when i read some other people's blog/journal... i think what crap is he/she writing about? and it is not even funny. so, i expect the same from my readers... it is really stupid to write down something for people to read but couldn't accept when people give their comment... takyahla tulis langsung kan?

okla... malas nak ckp pasal tuh dah. LANTAKLA SITU... Bole tak kalau aku balik skrg? ngantuksssssss nih. nak tido nih... malas dah ni.... okla.. nak gi jalan2 jap. nak tgk movie la today. puasa2 ni tgk movie, rasa bersalah lak.

the trouble with love is...

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

It feels so good when u r falling in love... again... cannot stop smiling... i love receiving letters... real letters... now i'm telling the world... please... stop me from falling again... jiwang tak?

anyway, does women truly seeking freedom? some women are just fine living her whole life under his father/husband. camni... for example, dari lahir sampai kawin, she is under her father's care. always obedient. father say don't go to cinema etc.. she did not go... then got married, the same thing happen, and she does not bother at all... the question was doesn't she feels that she's missing a lot? she surely has no freedom to do whatever she likes. the only explanation that i can come out with is that, that is the only life she knows... so... she's not missing anything that she doesn't know right? sometimes problem gak bila you give the girl too much freedom. like me. i'm sure i cannot listen to my dad nor my future husband. i really value my freedom and cannot even begin to imagine a life under a man's control. of course, the husband will try to control you in one way or the other... they will start say do not do this... do not do that, which i cannot understand why... it is perfectly ok for a guy to leave his wife and children at home to see his friends and hang out but it is definitely not ok for a girl to do that... she can only do it if she's working or studying... maybe what i should do is to let my future husband know that i'm not as easy to handle...

in two months time i will be 25 years old... aiya.. so old already aaa? ermmm... what is it that i have accomplished aa throught these 24 years?

spent the first 7 years just growing up at home got bullied by my sis and ignored by my parents

then the next 6 years in primary school getting good grades and positions in school.. almost popular,

the next 5 years was a misery...stuck in all girls dorm and school.. got bad grades and always at the bottom of the class.. a nobody... until after SPM when i was a best student in my asrama... all the smart ones left already... what do u expect?.. ohh... got my first bf and all the experience that comes with it.

the next 1/2 year became a minah kilang.. befriended with budak2 kg yg almost for sure gonna get married in the next two years after school

the next 1 year in PPP... start mixing around with guys again... ermm.. awkward at first... got to know bopi and rush that later on become very important people in my life...

the next 4 year in the States.... lots and lots of things happened... met matde, my sec boyfriend... also a very important person in my life... graduated with cukup2 makan to get into petronas. did 3 different part-times.. travelled around the states...

the next 1 year... worked at shah alam as sales engineer... see i have deviated from my study field from the start

currently... working my ass off for petronas.... they really should pay my salary twice as i'm doing 2 people's job now.

looking at it, mcm tak byk jer yg aku dah accomplished... but as a person aku dah develope into a woman... albeit a small one.... i hope i can make a better decisions... i give a lot of thoughts when it comes to money but not to relationship.. so.. need to do something about it... what the hell.. if i like someone... just gonna go ahead and have fun with him... and think about the consequence later... easp when that someone had hurt me in the past.... which guy haven't by the way... maybe i'm too sensitive kot... apa aku mengarut ni?

good morning... such a beautiful morning today. aku tension tul kalau time sahur kat umah sewa coz tau nak sahur apa. this morning, aku bangun... ingat nak goreng telur and masak nasi.. kuali tak basuh.. so, cancel. i thought we have roti, tp couldn't find it. semalam dah makan maggie. takkan nak makan maggie lagi? cukup2 la rambut aku ni thinning coz of clhorine (aku swim without cap).. taknakla coz maggie gak.. so, last resort, gi beli food kat kedai mamak. makanla nasi and ayam goreng. maybe tomorrow will be like this also. so, weekend mesti balik... at least mak aku bole masakkan.

and since bekerja ngan big company like petronas ni, almost everyday buka puasa kat hotel. don't get me wrong. i do not really like it either... coz buffet. aku makan sikit jer waktu buka. i'm sure each time makan kat hotel, it will cost me at least $70. so.. kalau aku makan ciput jer... takkan merugikan? membazir... betul tak?

aku skrg agak confuse with guys yg taknak reveal gaji diorg? napa? kalau the guy tu aku tak kenal sgt, i don't mind.. ni i've known him for more than 10 yrs... tp taknak bgtau? why man? why? eheheh... tp kalau aku tau, maybe aku mintak anting2 ker....gelang ker... maybe that's why kot... tringin la nak pakai earings... i want to ask somebody to buy one for me la... la la la..

selamat berpuasa semua..... harap2 nyer di bulan puasa ni, aku tak mensia2 kan idup aku. aku rasa skrg ni aku paling takut kalau hidup aku ni hanyala sia2 belaka. kalau satu hari yg aku lalu tak memberi makna. allah tak redha and in another words, melalui satu hari yg sia2.....

sbb one day i'm going to die. that is inevitable. the good news is i don't know when it is... or is it a bad one coz aku sentiasa melakukan dosa. besa or kecik... still dosa kan?

yesterday watched my fav series... Sex n the city. 5 series in a row. celebrating my last day not fasting in the fasting month. i hope it was a last day. tak sanggup dah aku nak ganti lama2... Adan (Carrie's x) is sooo hot. droolllll jap. aku suka lelaki yg potong rambut ala2 askar... not more than 1 inch length... nampak mcm macho jer.

it's thursday, tomorrow friday... pastu cutiii... besssttttt....

hari ni aku nak rehat sat. aku rasa every entry aku tulis camni. everyday utk in the fasting month ni aku masuk kul 8 and kuar kul 4. tak larat nak duk lama2. cukup2la utk satu hari 8 jam jer. dah la gaji ciput. buat per nak duk lama2 yer tak?

crude oil dah naik cam giler skrg. and i cannot stop but to evaluate a little on the situation. aku rasa it is a good idea not to let gas price influenced by market price because oil plays a major role in our economy. minyak naik jer, semua benda naik harga. maklumla, semua benda needs to be transported etc etc... and krg inflation la kan... sapa yg susah, kita jugak. so... to control the economy, it is essential for government to subsidized the oil. But i do belief they should put a ceiling price on the subsidy do that they can do something else with the money.

adala pulak TNB and Indah Water nak naikkan tariff.. aku rasa diorg ni buat keja tak efficient la. org2 yg kerja kat TNB selalu ckp camtu, byk sgt power loss. and why us, the user being penalized by it? if u r losing money, is the answer is just to increase tariff so that you won't loose? giler per. why don't they look into their own organization... look kat mana losing power and all... most of the power/water (i guess) surely went for industrial use. Kalau nak naikkan tariff... naikkanla industrial use jer... takyahla naikkan the common people... betul tak?

too many killings dlm and luar negeri. kdg2 nak baca paper pun trasa mcm naik sakit jantung. tak baca krg, jadi bimbo la pulak takleh nak bagi input in a conversation... and i still cannot give input coz semua org have more knowledge. aku ni baru setahun jagung. setahun jagung that will reach quater century in about 2 months and 10 days and takder boyfriend pun. scary? very....

arrrggggggghhhhh.... tensen nyer... banyak dah aku tulis tadi... tapi hilang la.. dammit tul. puasa2 ni buat aku marah lak.. i was writing about love just now. malas la nak tulis balik. so, just gonna keep it short and simple. okla... malas la nak tulis. ermmm... krg matde tau... banyak lak soalan dia. napa aku masih include matde dlm idup aku aaa? aku rasa aku sepatutnyer move on la... obviously he has done it the very month we broken up. ohh welll.... mengeluh tu tak baik. rush sent me one email titled "ego aside... will u marry u?" if someone ask me this, i would say yes. ehehehe... aku baik apa? malas nak masak... well.. kedai kan ada. never cook since got back from the states... it's a very long article. the point is, why do you make such a long list for an ideal husband/partner but never look at yourself if u really do worth it. FYI, i don't have such list. i can fall in love almost with everyone... maybe that's why my last relationship failed.

uiyoo... sudah seminggu la aku tak der masa langsung nak tulis apa2. monday and tuesday went to Kerteh for meetings. on monday tu sampai nak termuntah2 aku negotiate ngan terminal people to get some money from them. tuesday lak... ada satu customer bangang tu, mintak extra cargo, aku dah ter-commit nak kasi.. rupa2nyer terminal tak cukup.. arrgggghhh.... bole tak bagitau awal2? terpaksala negotiate lak ngan customer.... penat tau. penat.

anyway, minyak dah naik 5 sen per liter. aku personally langsung tak kisah coz 1 full tank cuma 14 litre and bole tahan a week. so, dlm sebulan aku cuma kena byr extra $3 jer dari dulu... tula, pakaila keter kancil 660cc. ehehehe... still tak beli lagi keter. tgh try mintak as much discount as i can. ni kena guna negotiation skill aku nih.

just FYI, harga minyak pasaran skrg ni dah jadi RM2.30/litre and kerajaan dah subsidi for 90 sen per litre. i think that is generous enough. and government cannot subsidize petronas only because nanti other companies like shell and all pull out their business.. and cripple la kita nyer economy kang. so... korg isila minyak at petronas. so, kita bagi petronas kaya and duit tak kuar ke other people that do not even care about our country. but off course, government tekan duit kita gak... easp at cars... it is just too expensive. tak bole ker ease a little on the taxes. oh well...

okla.. aku malas nak keja ari nih. aku nak postpone everything yg bole di tangguh. tada...

i think as we grow older, we actually know what to do when tested with a situation. most of the time, we know the solution to our problem. the only question is whether we brave enough to do it. have guts to face the consequences.... whatever that might be. Uncertanties plays a huge role in making a decision. like uncertainties in Iraq and Russia has increased crude oil prices to it's all time high... bila crude oil price increase, then everything else will increase.... ok, put that aside.

i seriously do think that it's true... even at this moment i am still comtemplating on a decision that i might regret later but do i have a gut to do it? i myself do not know. i know what i have to do for the longest time.. and i can't let myself live like this any longer. what has passed... has passed. there is no point on thinking what if because there is no way we can turn the clock back. today is the result of yesterday. If today is still worst than yesterday why we linger on yesterday and hoping that somehow things will magically turn out ok? okla... aku dah melalut sgt dah nih. obviously i have too much time on hand...

so... i have made my mind to buy a kelisa (limited-top hitam and body kuning). i will take 5 years loan. after all, tahun depan gaji naik. apala sgt kalau aku kena bayar lbh 100/month... i will just cut my parents allowance until gaji naik next year..

after 7 months doing this trading job, i feel that i'm more at ease to make decisions now and we do have to make a lot of decisions around here. kalau setakat rugi 1,2 ribu USD takper lagi as long as tak rugi lbh. but this truly a good experience for me. I think kalau aku tak kat sini, where everyone punya job depends on me then maybe i wouldn't develope as much.... nak illustrate how important my job is (ehehe.... nak bangga sikit ni):
1. once a yr, traders will make a contract with customers, then after that, aku la yg susun how much LPG can be lifted every month. we have about 6-7 term customers
2. traders will find out from me how is the stock.... whether ada more LPG to sell... aku kena always keep in mind and plan so that tak terkurang and terlebih cargo. kalau byk sgt cargo, i will instruct the traders to sell some of it.
3. then kena make sure mana2 kapal yg nak masuk malaysian port kena dah clear with maritime... if not, takleh lift... aku dah terkena byk kali giler la pasal ni. sometimes, over the weekend pun aku kena uruskan.
4. kalau hantar kapal ke other ports in the world, i will have to make sure the kpl discharge accordingly. kdg2 kapal accident ker, kapal rosak ker, i have to investigate and decide what to do. of course, kalau tak tau nak buat apa boleh refer to the boss.. boss2 ni bukannyer tau nak buat apa pun... most of the time la...
5. kena in contact with refineries and gas plants to coordinate their cargo. sometimes refineries or gas plants tripped, then takder cargo... aku la yg kena bagitau customer... negotiate with them. aku nyer supplier Kerteh Refinery, PGB, MLNG and Melaka Refinery.
6. make sure that all documents(pre and post load) in order. aku ada 2 assistants to help me out on this.
7. also, have to do report on the stuff that going on, why sometimes have more to sell but sometimes less, if the kpl need to wait or load longer... claim and bla2

this about sums my job up description. that's why org yg buat operation takleh tua2... takut cannot take the pressure.. kdg2 nak nangis buat kerja. tp almost all traders will have to go through this thing.. so no sweat la.. kalau org boleh buat, then aku pun surely boleh buat. cuma since i'm doing two peoples job right now, tak byk sgt masa to find out about the market. hopefully next month bole coz nampak mcm dah ok jer... and FYI, aku ckp mcm tu every single month and every single month ada jer something came up that prevent me to learn more about the market.

anyway, to my good friend (u know who u are), be strong ok.... live is too short to cry over things too long .as corny as it sounds.... time will indeed heals all wounds and its true. all u have to do is try to live again....

skrg ni dah ramai batch aku and matde yg start kerja with petronas.. so, more familiar faces around. aku even jumpa shikin last week. and surprisingly ramai yg baca blog aku, hence ramai yg tanya how's philippines. ehehe.. with this, aku rasa takleh dah nak kutuk2 matde slalu. well.. at least kalau nak kutuk, cuma bila aku tgh tensi giler or when he becomes tooo crappy (bila agaknyer tak yer?), talking about crappiness... how many crappy guys have u met? as for me, i think i have met enough.... kindly find the true story below:

crappy guy #1.
guy: jirah, rindula, lama tak jumpa. x dtg jumpa jirah kat kl la 2 minggu lagi.
jirah: ok, let me know bila dah sampai.
lagi 3 hari to the day he supposed to arrive and he never called back
jirah: x, jadi tak dtg?
guy: alamak... sorry la jirah, lupa. ingatkan bulan dpn
what the hell?

crappy guy #2
jirah: y, kisah tak kalau aku kuar ngan z?
guy: tak... langsung tak.
few weeks after that
guy: kenapa tak ajak aku sekali ari tuh masa ko kuar ngan z?
jirah: aik... aritu kata tak kisah...
bla2.... apa agaknyer aku patut rasa?

crappy guy #3
guy: lama tak jumpa ko la jirah, dah taknak kuar ngan aku ker?
jirah: bole jer, next week aku free. call la..
isnin, selasa, rabu, khamis, jumaat........tak call pun?

crappy guy #4
guy: lama tak dgr brita, weekend ni aku g kl, jom jumpa
2, 3 weekend lepas tuh
jirah: kata nak dtg, what happened?
guy: sorryla, tak jadi... bla2
ermmm.... tooo familiar already

crappy guy #5
guy: rindu kat u la. jom jumpa, ahad ni i free
hari ahad:
guy: hari ni takleh, nak kena hantar adik ke bla2. call me next week
dahla kensel gitu2 jer, pastu suruh aku call. then call la 10 kali, tak pernah di angkat.
guy: sorry, phone takder bateri, bla2. jumpa u ahad dpn
hari ahad:
guy: sorry, i penat la sbb main bola tadi. call me next week, i go to your house
the next week
guy: sorry, i takder duit, tunggu i ada duit. ahad dpn mesti i boleh dtg, sbb adik i bla2
hari ahad:
guy: sorry, takleh nak dtg sbb adik bla2....
kalau taknak jumpa aku, aku seriously tak kisah, ramai jer yg nak kat aku ni. takyahla layan aku like shit.

citer2 di atas bukanla rekaan semata2.. betapa insensitive nyer diorg ni. melukakan aku berkali2... apa ingat aku ni tunggul kayu ker? kalau dah janji cubala tunaikan.

friday is finally here. as i told a friend of mine. Monday would pass very quickly, so as tuesday, wednesday will pass a little bit slow and thursday slower but friday will pass very2 quickly.... so... you wouldn't even feel that a week has passed. ermm.. i really cannot imagine living like this for the next 10 yrs... so, i will work my ass of until i finally got married. god knows when that would be. and hopefully will get a husband that financially stable so that i can stay at home and do something relaxing. jadi florist ker... apa2 jerla yg tak require 90% of my time.

this morning a friend of mine told a story about Buddhism... the stories from their holy book. I don't dare telling it again coz i just couldn't. All i can say is that after listening all the stories, the only conclusion that i could come up is that these stories were written down by humans to justify their actions. As the one that are permitted to write it down is someone from the highest "kasta". If you read book about Pakistan (was once under India) you would see the injustice from the lords. but since aku cuma baru baca satu buku jer... tak brani la nak elaborate byk2.

dah selamat sampai kat office semalam. the trip to Philippines was great. tak gi mana2 sgt. just stayed over kat Shangrila. the only place i was at was manila. being a girl n pakai tudung is not very convenient. every night after dinner, mesti the guys will sent me home and they off to someplace else... pegi mana lagi la kan. mesti ke strip club of some sort. so... next time if i marry someone in the bussiness i know where they off to at night kalau outstation. we travel extensively. for me, not now coz still very new but two three years in the bussiness, one week will be at japan, then the next might be korea.....bla2... the point is, kena join frequent flyer prog... kalau tak... rugi.

Manila is very crowded. aku bole samakan ngan klang even, mostly guna foreigner cars.... big, big cars.. so, jln pun jadi sempit giler. according to my colleague, kat manila jer camtu... most of philippines takder pun nice highway... outstation ni sbnrnya lagi penat dari kerja biasa sbb dari pagi sampai ke malam "bekerja". dinner and lunch.... bagi aku entertaining people is very tiring... so... extra penat la...

i have make my mind to buy a new car. last week almost got heart attack when my car cannot get started. the engine was not very good. the fact that my house is at the top of the hill doesn't help at all. aku rasa sbb tula keter aku semput. so... by next month i'm going to get a new car. kelisa jerla tp. cannot afford more expensive one.

nothing much to do today. will be travelling to Manila for the first time on wednesday. this would be my first business trip ever. singapore pun tak pernah gi lagi.. selalunyer org start with singapore first.

anyway, i'm reading "My feudal lord" by tehmina Durrani. Blaja la sikit2 pasal pakistani's politics. tapi semuanyer during 1960s-1980s... so, takleh nak relate sgt, time Bhutto in office... not sure sapa PM dia skrg. anyways, the story is about her life and her husband's. giler sadistic mamat tuh. selalu pukul the wife. depress sikit baca. scary... u know, masa bercinta beriya2, last2 bila dah dpt di sepak terajang nyer minah tu. maybe after this, carik buku pasal pakistan nowadays, pasal osama ker...

i don't understand malay guys.... aku selalu tgk my sisters... how busy they are, diorg mesti bagi makan anak, temankan laki diorg makan, etc etc... etc.... and the laki, just duduk dpn tv and do nothing. what the hell... tak kesian langsung... mmgla si isteri kena jaga hati suami... tapi suami takyah buat apa2 ker? takyah tolong and takyah ringankan beban isteri? sama2 kuar carik kerja, sama2 balik rumah pukul 5. suami balik, duduk terus depan tv. isteri balik, masak, uruskan anak and suami... isk2.... i always pointed out this to the people i dated, just to see the responses. and they don't really like the topic... come on la... guys lagi byk energy and all, ringan2kan la tulang kan... by the end of the day, the wives gak yg muka manis... and everyone will be happy... ya?

lately nih, almost all my sentence will ended up with YA... mcm gee lak... Malaysian Idol is getting better... mmg voice quality beza giler dari akademi fantasia... even the horrible saiful pun dah makin ok. OKla... need to go home at 6 today... so better start doing something useful YA.

watched PGL last friday. movie was ok.. at least when it is produced by malaysian. wayang pun penuh. i got not so good reviews from my frens about the movie. but again, i don't think the movie is that bad compared to other malaysian movies. kalau nak compare to other international movies, mmgla kan. cuma i think masih bole dpt sambutan internationally coz the movie penuh ngan culture. so, all in all, i think the movie is a very good attempt.

aku dah start suka baca NST skrg... it's not as big as before and lots of reviews about stuff. bila baca facts jer aku normally tidur. it is more interesting to read about what other people thinks about the things happening. In my view, there are 2 major things yg happened recently, anwar is free and russian hostage. giler... 1,200 people , mostly children were taken hostage. this just shows how desperate the terrorist are to resort to harm children. and of course, unrest kat Iraq yg most probably ensure high price for crude oil and consequently high price for other petroleum products. when i think about it, it's really ironic... most muslims countries are blessed with oil and muslims gak yg jadi terrorist, buat terror sana sini sampai menaikkan harga minyak... thus, makin kaya la sheik2 minyak ni... so, mcm ada conspiracy lak. maybe we'll read about it the next 20 yrs...