Lamanyer tak update blog.
Much has happen. Tried sending aiman to CIC but i think the teachers are not serious in teaching in english. Baik aku hantar ke tadika biasa jer. Murah sikit. Tapi taska pun takla murah sgt.

never have i imagine that i will be living in a family that only communicate through the maid. that sounds so dysfunctional.
i myself tried to call them directly but my phone calls was not picked up or sms replied.
so, what can i do? if u cannot beat it, just join it
i think i just going to give up trying to have a right communication channel
maybe i need to pass masseges through my maid also
and how annoying it is when my in laws keeps calling the maid for whatever reason.
sometimes i need her to help out and she is not around. this is soooo annoying
could it be i'm at home for too long? almost 4 months now and it's getting a bit boring

apparently my dad is ready to marry again
and we are still mourning the death of our beloved mother
he did not include his children on his decision.
shouldnt what we say matters?

for the past few weeks i have hired taxi to go to hospital for my therapies.
yesterday had conversations with a cab driver about doctors.
there's a huge difference in terms of salary between government and private hospitals. some of the doctors in gov hospitals decided to stay albeit this difference. it got me thinking... indeed, money is not everything. he can accomplish much more and contribute more untuk bangsa and agama in gov. he will teach and train new doctors... MasyaAllah. betapa mulia nyer hati. the diff is more than 50-60k.

i dont know if i can do it if i have this option. or if my husband has it. i might pester him endlessly. i love money and i love this world. i hope i will not love it too much that i dont ever want to let it go. seperti kata uztaz kazim, "jgnla menyimpan dunia di dalam hati sehingga tak mahu melepaskannyer" kerana satu hari aku akan meninggalkan dunia ini. yg pasti aku akan mati satu hari nanti. tiada yg lagi pasti dari mati.

got a book "eat pray love" from my sis yesterday
it is quite good
and quite different than other books that i read.
she had family problem but she did not discussed it there
it is more about faith.. she is so unhappy that she turns to god
i only read few pages so far.
normally if the intro is good, the rest of the book will be interesting too

yesterday was the first time i went back to my father's house post GBS. it feels so good. raya i will be able to come home again. yeay.
it's weird that i will feel so very tired after an outing. i can say all outing is like that. very very tiring. maybe it will be very tiring to be on high concentration (this sounds wierd)

cannot imagine driving. bila sampai office penat giler? ermmm....
pastu kena tido 2 jam and then ok balik ker?
kalau takleh drive, i cannot go back to work.
should i come back by next year jer? amik unpaid leave?
if i really cannot cope when i came back later... will consider this.

3 minggu sudah berlalu
matde dah balik rumah from canada. i'm extremely happy
life definitely not the same without him
missing him like crazy when he was away

another milestone. i can walk without aid on a flat surface. still need tongkat on uneven surface. according to the therapist i need to work on my knees pulak. skrg ni susah nak amik wuduk sbb knee weak and takleh nak bongkok. rukuk pun problem

dah ada exersice regime baru at home guna band. priority will be given to knee and then hips. she also advised me to slowly prepare myself to go back to work. try to be active like getting ready to work until perhaps lunch time and see how long i can sustain. currently i mostly sit down on the floor. sbnrnya duduk kat kerusi pun very tiring for me. camner la nak bawa keta ni. ishh

plan to start sunday. esok nak try the new exersice. excited sbb baru hari ni beli band tuh. maybe next week i will be discharged from occupational theraphy. yey....

syukur kepada Allah...
aku dah bole guna tongkat. sebulan lebih sudah berlalu semenjak aku di diagnose with this syndrome. mula2 tu, mmg sgt depress. tapi utk mengelakkan terkena gila meroyan, ku tabahkan hati and paksa diri berfikiran positive.
ada juga sekali dua aku termenitik air mata.
alhamdullilah, tak la jadi gila
tahun ni tahun pertama beraya tanpa mak tercinta. trasa hambar saja. kali pertama berpantang tanpa mak. sgt berbeza rasanyer.
mak mentua sgt prihatin dan cuba mcm2 cara nak tolong aku jalan balik.
tapi, mak sendiri mmg tiada tolok banding nyer.
whatever it is, i will still need my mom.
next target is to walk with a walking stick. skrg guna yg ada 4 tapak tu. and to climb up stairs.

alhamdullilah... semakin hari, aku rasa semakin kuat kaki ku ini. but i still have few more muscle group yg aku kena kerja kuat untuk kuatkan. i found that my butt muscles are so weak that i almost unable to use it at all. this muscle group makes me unable to get up from sitting position and climb up the stairs.

so, i need the theraphy's advice what excersices i need to concentrate on. it seems that i still dont walk right. using my trunk instead of the hip.

i have to re-learn almost everything. sitting down, standing up, walking... turning around.

think i will be out of the office for quite sometimes. i wish i will be back though. cannot affford to be out of job now. cost of living just went up n hubby salary will not be enough to pay for even the necessary stuff.

feels like i'm making a bit of progress. it feels easier to get up, and to straighthen myself. i think i may able to walk with a walking stick but i dont have the confidence yet. i still need to balance myself using two hands. hence, i still need to rely on walking frame.

next week on thursday is 44 days and habisla waktu berpantang. well, if it is not for my MIL, i will eat anything. she doesnt allow me to eat anything. ermm... takperla. i'm not going to make a big fuss out of it

i feel good because at least there is improvement even how small it seems. as soon as i can walk, hope i can make it much stronger to walk up the stairs.

today i tried two new stuff.
1. walking without walking frame. use only tongkat - i fell. i think i am still not strong enough to support myself. even with a walking stick with a four leg base. this is terrible
2. put a leg up on a stair. not trying to walk up stairs. just put a leg on it. manage to put right leg up. struggled to put up the left leg up. almost unable to put it back down.

yesterday went back to klang for a reflexslogy session. advised by an aunt. i have so many aunts that loves to give advises. apparently the aunts from my father's side just found out aabout my condition and i bet will receive some more advises from them too.

feels that both hands are getting weaker and it is increasingly difficult to control my fingers. started to feel back and hand/leg muscle strain. will tell my neurologist about it tomorrow and seek her opinion.

and i am now referred to a rehab doctor. i hope it is nothing serious.

there's a lot of times when i feel like crying.
this happens especially when i feel sooo tired and like couldnt move on
i really hope i will get better
it is extremely difficult to stay positive.
there will be times when i am so down, i dont feel like getting up at all

izzah is crying. i need to attend to her

15 days has passed since i was diagnosed with guillaine barre syndrome. have been doing leg excersizes 2-3 times a day and i think my muscle strenght is improving a bit... just a little bit. i think i can get up a bit easier easpecially when i am well rested. but my balance is still off. i cannot seem to be standing up straight without support.

starting last monday, i have changed my home exersize regime. i will try to do as much as possible as long as i am not tired. i have to balance my time between feeding my newborn, layan my 3 years old that still need my attention and also to rest. i got tired very easily. i try to walk for 15 mins and it is so very tiring. rest is between half and hour to 2 hours depending on the situation.

my fingers are tired from this typing. so, i need to rest my fingers a bit.
please pray that i will recover fully and soon. i'm so tired...

i have been independent most of my life and i'm proud of myself for it
since i cannot walk now, i have to be heavily dependent on people.
and i'm adjusting myself to it
somehow i feel that i'm progressively getting worse. i hope this is just my feeling. will discuss it with my doc tomorrow.

i'm tired.... very tired.
my fingers are still numb. it's hard to type. when will this numbness go away? will it ever go away?

i have this syndrome called Guillaine Barre Syndrome. have it for few months already and only diagnosed last week. to make things worse, matde is in canada for trainig until end of next mth. i have to rely on other people to go to PCMC for theraphy and other treatments. this sucks

i miss matde and i miss my late mother. since aku dalam pantang, aku takleh sedih2. nanti bole gile org kata. occasionally few tears dropped juga. i try to be strong, but i think i am not that strong. it is hard to be strong and it is hard to do exersizes three times a day and breastfeed god knows how many times a day.

ya allah.... kuatkanlah semangat hamba mu ini dan sembuhkanlah aku dari penyakit ini. aminnnn

alhamdullilah, hari yg di nanti2 telah tiba...
my second child has born on noon 22nd june 2010. 7 days after due date. again, has to be induced but the effect was great. instead of in pain for 1 day, i was only in pain in few hours and the one that i really cannot stand and almost ask for epidural was 1/2 hour. alhamdullilah.... i did not ask for epidural or it will be for naught. hahaha... tak sempat nak relax. it was definitely a very different experience, i can feel the baby being taken out of me... oh, and the pain... i'm sure i'm going to forget about it very soon. i even forgot what contraction feels like.
whatever pun, i am very grateful that i can push the baby out naturally. a bit worried because my body was very very weak towards the end of pregnancy. cannot walk... or get up after sitting down. it was horrible.

now i am still stuck at princecourt because my daughter had fever yesterday and doctor has to give her a full dose of antibiotics... she doesnt have fever now. i really missing home for some wierd reason. dont feel like staying here long even though the service is excellent and it feels like staying in a hotel instead of in a hospital. haha... food is great too. aku belasah jer semua food. dont care la

i really miss my late mother. if she is still around, she can take care of me. even if she cant, i can be near her. still cannot imagine my mother has left us. life is definitely not the same without her.

i will be due next week. during check up doc said the baby is now fully down there and anytime can go on to delivery. i dont remember what contraction feels like. ermm... since the hospital i'm going is quite a distance, doc recommend to go if the pain interval is 15 mins. but i think i will go when it is 30 mins or even one hour apart. dont want to deliver on the road.

next week my hubby will start working as a full time worker. wow... i must say i'm very proud of him. it took him almost 10 years to finish undergrad... not due to his inability to study. he was side tracked for so many years. i think he wasted the first 6 years drifted on his world. i think if we did not get married, i think he is still struggling. considering he will be too embarassed to ask his family to help out. i can totally understand that. i would feel the same too.

well, everything is falling on the right place at the moment. i'm about to have a baby, my hubby is starting to work and we are now renting our own place (more like renting from father in law actually).

i am so happy at where i am now. :)

wow... 6 mths has passed since the last time i posted an entry. i wonder what aiman will think if one day he stumbles upon this blog. hehhe
he is getting smarter and smarter every day
i could be bias since he is my son and every little things is an accomplishment.
i'm already 38 weeks pregnant. the baby is 4/5 engaged and i can sometimes feels she is trying to get down there a bit more.
so excited with the new baby on the way. i love getting pregnant and being pregnant.
not everyone can get pregnant and i feel that i'm contributing something to the world. something significant.
even though i'm happy, this pregnancy is not an easy one. first trimester i got sick all the time. second trimester, i'm still puking, byk angin and start to develop back problems. there were days when i cannot even walk. 3rd trimester, my fingers and toes are so numb, it is hard to even walk and type. nothing seems right. cannot get full sleep. hot flashes every hour or so.... cannot even walk up stairs...

it is 2010. i am a decade older.
was just reading my old entries and the first entry was in 2003.
when i look back on the past 10 years, i found that my life has changed so much.
10 years ago, i was in school, i just met matde. the thing with matde is it just sort of happen. also met elly.
now most of us is married with child. i am with a second child and being pregnant makes me happy. think will get pregnant again after this one.
i sometimes love, sometimes hates matde depending on my mood.
in the next 10 years i will be 40. that means, insyallah i have aabout another 20 years of good health. will i spend all these times working or staying at home?
my hubby is done with his studies. hope he will earn sooo much and give me an option to not to work. i want to feel not having to wake up and work.
somehow i do enjoy working. it was not a drag like before. i give me something to think about.
this new year, i dont have any particular resolution... take it easy and try to be a good ibu to aiman