hari ini hari sabtu.
i love weekend. got to spend time with the loved ones. bole bawak aiman jalan2, tido ngan best, takyah pikir pasal kerja. and boss aku pun dah tak kasi aku ada exposure, which means nothing to worry about.
hehe... life is great
aku rasa aku nak try buat benda baru. tapi tak berapa sure apa bendanyer tu
i like my job cause i can talk to people. always talking, discussing, very minimal paper work. i'm thinking of going into researching job. ni mmg tak byk sgt ckp and so much paperwork. ermmm... dont know la.
aku dah rasa mcm i am not contributing anymore and i should move to another place where i can contribute more. or at least i want to try
tapi kalau tmpt tu, aku takleh nak arah2 kan org, ermm.. will i survive? i have this need to ask people do certain things for me. aku mmg kena jadi boss. manager pun cukupla. so that i can at least delegate something.

aiman has started to annoy me in a lot of ways...
no wonder my sisters are always shouting.
semalam dia campak camera aku yg almost berharga 1k. skrg dah rosak
pagi tadi dia amik susu dia and tumpahkan kat atas lantai
tengahari tadi pun buat benda yg sama gak...
arrgghhhhh..... aku pun trasa macam nak mengamuk jer ngan perangai laki aku yg tak berubah2 tu...
tension tension tension.
aku rasa kalau aku puasa 2 hari lepas mmg batal kot puasa aku.
pagi2 aku dah marah2, sampai ngan boss aku pun dah naik suara. everything is sooo annoying
adakah aku perlu mengambil anger management class? agak sukar untuk mengawal amarah ni.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri
salam lebaran
aku bersyukur dapat melalui bulan ramadhan dan merayakan hari kemenangan melawan nafsu umat islam....
sangat sedikit aku bersyukur..
sempena hari raya ini, aku ingin memanjatkan pada ilahi kesyukuran yg tak teringga di atas nikmat2 yg aku kecapi hingga ke hari ini.
aku bersyukur kerna di kurniakan hubby yg penyayang and sgt penyabar
aku bersyukur kerana dikurniakan anak yg sihat dan cerdas akal fikiran
aku bersyukur kerana masih dapat bersama mak dan abah
aku bersyukur di atas kelapangan rezeki dan tiada bebanan hutang
aku bersyukur ya Allah di atas kurniaan mu...

as for every weekend i will watch nur kasih over the internet.
friday ada makan2 ngan kawan2 matde. so, tak dpt concentrate.. tak best tgk ngan org yg tak appreciate benda ni pun.
the issues are all very close to reality.
byk delimma and drama which i like
kat situ dia tunjuk camner beriman pun org tu, kalau diduga Allah, belum tentu dpt tangkis. camni la yg citer melayu patut buat... cinta bersegi2 and ada juga peracunnyer. it just shows, walaupun minah tu pakai tudung litup, belum tentu hati dia baik. and bila nur blah tinggalkan laki dia sbb terperanjat dgr laki dia kawin lain, baru la mcm betul. kalau drama lain, sure dia terima jer nasib mcm tak logik.
anyways, thumbs up for this citer. sapa2 yg curious bole gi check it out at tv3.com.my under nur kasih episodes.

i learn something new yesterday. when people are pushed to a corner and ianyer melibatkan periuk nasi nyer.. he will do whatever to protect it. that's why kdg2 decision yg dia buat dah tak objective. it is not for the best of the company. it is for the best of himself. and the way my organization is designed, it makes each one in the company compete with each other, trying to get the same market share. but the problem is, we are of the same company. this really confuses people in the market and for those who sees this, will take it to their advantage. which i think is really really stupid. there is no point in this. it is just a waste of time when two people in a company trying to get the same market share. it will be chidlish to think we will work together. this is even more bullshit. people will back stab you to protect himself. for those like me who doesnt know to protect myself will suffer. i think i have been stabbed too many times now. honestly, every time i go to work, i have set my mind that i will do the best for my company because i owe them for sending me to the states before. that loan would be paid off in the next 4 years... after that, will i conform to the majority and starts to look after myself?? aku hanya insan yg lemah dan hamba Allah yg sungguh banyak dosanyer.... kuatkanlah iman hambamu ini

i notice, bulan puasa ni aku agak kurang bersikap kurang ajar terhadap hubby. mungkin sbb hati lebih tenang. insyallah aku akan cuba lebihkan membaca ayat2 suci Al-Quran untuk mendapat ketenangan jiwa even after puasa.

also reading about parenting and i think aiman is a responsive child. he likes to talk and it is very easy to distract him. kalau dia nangis2, distract his mind to something else pun bole. actually hubby dah ajar jugak. sbb kalau aiman mengamuk, aku pun mengamuk sama... tapi dia kata, kenala manipulate sikit anak tu. api ngan api, akan jadi api yg lagi besar.

ramadan mubarak.
alhamdullilah, first day of puasa. semoga puasa tahun ini diberkati allah.
hubby baru beli comp baru. as usual, he will need a bit help on the financing. he always makes an offer that i simply cannot refuse. the first time he bought a comp, he doesnt need financing but i just hate the fact that he buy a new comp when i already bought him a laptop. so, i asked him to give me the same amount of money he needs to buy a comp. well, since he really really wanted to buy it, he gave me the money. then, this one kaput already and cannot stand not having a computer. after another round of negotiation, we decided that i will help in the financing but i can use the comp whenever i want it. heheh... true enough, yesterday i spent the whole night using his new comp.. hehe... not a bad a deal at all..

so, i spent it watching tv3 series. this yr i think tv3 doing a great job in their drama selection. every day citer dia mmg best. tapi sbb aiman sleeps at 9ish, aku selalunyer tak dpt nak follow. so, aku gi website and tgk. last night i watched La Dolce Amira the last two series. mak oiiii.... sedihnyer citer. the way they twist the story is so nice, i have to salute the director. the actor and actress also not so bad. another one i'm following now is nur kasih. jalan citer pun power and aku suka cara dia oleh the citer. it plays with the emotion. hero dia mmg lelaki melayu sejati and ada cara ckp yg aku rasa sgt macho. hehe... in real life i will definitely fall for this kinda guy.

1 more hour before i will need to start masak for sahur. time for some movie...

lately ni aku terjumpa tamar jalis nyer buku citer kat internet. matde la yg jumpa. citer dia takla seram sgt. tapi every short stories dia ada tema...
1. solat jgn tinggal
2. sentiasa jujur dalam semua pekerjaan
3. jgn angkuh.

i think lepas baca buku ni, aku lagi motivated utk jaga solat. bagi aku jaga solat is not something yg senang. ngan sibuk kerja and all.... sgt senang terleka and lupa. bole kira la brapa hari aku bole solat cukup 5 kali sehari.

pastu utk buat something dgn betul2 jujur pun susah. mcm skrg ni, aku rasa aku dah worked my ass off. tapi still not be properly rewarded. tak pernah pun dapat recognition. tapi aku tgk org lain yg kerja mcm tak sebagus aku pun senang2 dpt recognition. every year dpt 2. bila dah jadi camni, mmg susah sikit la kan... tapi bila pikir2 balik, mungkin balasan utk aku nanti dpt kat Aiman.. which i dont mind at all. also, mungkin jugak dulu aku byk giler dosa. so, kurang la sikit berkat tu. kalau aku dok banding2 camni, maybe aku takkan happy kerja. aku pun malas nak carik kerja lain. i'm pretty happy where i am now. kalau nak kira complain, satu page pun tak settle. ye dak?

insyallah di jauhkan la sikap angkuh tu. i can be seen as snobbish too sometimes. we'll mungkin aku kena arahkan org at least sekali dalam sehari. kalau tak dpt nak mengarah satu hari tu, matde la yg jadi mangsa.... hehehe siannnn diaa..... ada this one friend of mine ckp sian laki aku kawin ngan aku. dia dgr aku bebel pun tak tahan. tapi aku rasa hubby aku tak kisah kot. tu yg dia kawin ngan aku.

i'm thinking of taking Aiman on a ferry trip.
maybe plan to go to langkawi. take a car, then naik taxi. i bet this time is more fun because we can now enjoy going to fish/crocodile taman.
last time it wasnt so much fun because only the two of us.
nothing really excites us.
or, maybe i should go to penang and naik ferry kat situ ker.
yg penting dapat bawak aiman naik ferry.
then next time bole bawak dia naik kapal terbang
skrg ni senang nak buat activity coz everything will be a first for aiman.
and it is surprisingly easy to make a child happy. a mere walk on the garden, sit in front of the house..
and he is very happy. no need to buy expensive things
maybe because he doesnt understand it yet
hehe... lepas raya must plan.
time puasa ni aku ber hibernate..

last 2 days i was on biz trip. it was fun coz lots more girls on the trip. last time mostly with guys. so not fun coz normally they will do their own thing and leave me alone at night... not that i want to join them. anyways, since i was having the time of my life with these girls, i went home so tired. and as usual, even though i'm the bread winner i still have to clean up my house and take care of the kids when i'm home. well, what else is new?? so... i'm super fried.
tomorrow i still have to go to another biz trip and the week after maybe have to entertain a super angry client. argghhh... i'm tired.... want to sleep....
gone were the days where life is so carefree...
tak sabar nak tunggu bulan puasa. i plan to only berbuka puasa with family or frens. it taste so much better break fast with the people you love and care. biar pun cuma makan nasi and ikan goreng and air sirap. takyahla nak makan benda2 mahal.
today i went to spital with my mom. she will have her operation very very soon.
i hope everything will be ok. hubby is not well also.
this weekend must go back to kampung and spend time with him.
must check on AIman. i'm on emergency leave today
accompany mom and hubby to doctor.

lately i keep thinking of the "what if"s of my life...
it seems that there a lot of points in my life that if i take a different route, my life can be completely different from what it is now.

1. what if i left ATPN and join one of the the MRSM and become just an ordinary student there and will not get a best student... will i get the opportunity to even go to the states?

2. what if i turned down the scholarship offer to go to the states, will i ever meet matde?

3. what if i marry matde in the states? will he still flunked out of college?

4. what if i dont force matde to come back to malaysia. will he ever comes back? will we still be together?

i guess Allah works in a mysterious ways... there were times when we have to make decisions and we dont know what will be the outcome. we just have to make out of the best at the time. even though later we found that it may not be the perfect one.

there were so many things that can make a couple break, and at the same time there's also many things that can make it work. i find it funny sometimes how different both of us are. during mealtime, if we are having ikan, he will eat the isi, i will finish off the tulang. kalau makan tom yam i will eat the ketam, he will eat the udang. things are just perfect that way. we both like books and movies but different genre...

in a way, i think i have found my soul mate. someone that completes me. i hope my friends also will find it too. dont concentrate too much on the differences and faults. embrace of what who our partners are and try to be happy for him for whatever he is... even then i always scolded matde for no reason. that's just who i am and he will just let it be as long as it is not over the line... because that is just how he is...

i pray that both of us will live happily until the end of our lives...

somehow, i feel so sentimental today... is it because "nur kasih"????

god... it was the longest i think since the last time i have an entry
well, work is so so
family is great
hubby loving as always
friends also fine...
nothing to complaint. nothing to say la

Hatiku masih tak tenteram. Ku tak tau mengapa dan kenapa.
Adakah kerana sudah tiba masanyer untuk aku mengamuk?
Ku rasa idup aku ni mcm yang and ying. Kalau kat opis aku best giler, kat rumah mesti aku down n vise versa. Kurang siumankah aku?
Tak boleh ker kalau dua2 pun best?

I've been contemplating to change job for quite sometimes now. But I like what I do. I just feel the environment is not good for me. Then I sit n think very hard about it. Since I like my job, I shouldn't go away n do something else that I might not even like. I just need to manage the environment. Anywhere I go, if I cannot manage this, I will not be satisfied. Plus, no option of not working right now. Someone told me that my workplace is very hostile. People are judgemental n they do stab us in the back if necessary. This is a corporate jungle. All I need to do is to survive in this jungle.

Beading is my new hobby. Nothing fancy yet since I just started. When I'm good at it, will start getting orders. This one need to be creative. Haha. This is what I need. Train my brain to be a little creative.

It's 2 am in the morning. What am I doing? Okla, need to continue zzzzzzz haha

Semalam aku sangat stress pasal keja. Kenapala fukup sgt keja aku ni? Apa yg aku buat semua tak menjadi. Sakit kepala aku dibuat nyer. Aku rasa kena tuka keja la. Tak dapat eden nak menganggung masalah yg tak berenti2 ni. Takkanla semua lesson learnt. Ya Allah, aku rasa masalah ini terlalu berat untuk ku tanggung. Kepadamu ku sembah dan kepadamu aku meminta pertolongan. Bantulah hamba mu yg didalam kesempitan ini. Amin.....

Minggu lepas and minggu2 yg sudah aku tersgt tension sampai tak lalu mkn n all. I whine and whine non stop. Rasa sgt tertekan ngan keja. Pastu aku dok baca blog org n diorg pun stress ngan keja gak. So, aku buat kesimpulan takder keja dlm dunia ni yg tak buat ok stress. Duk rumah jaga anak pun stress gak. So, buat jerla tak tau. Maybe aku extra stress sbb kat tmpt keja Performance eval time. N I know I'm not doing too well. I worked very hard but still cannot perform. How frustrating. Tak tau dah nak buat camner. Ngan boss yg tak reti2 bagi direction, pastu terkapai2 la aku keseorangan. Ntahler tapi bila dipikir2 kan aku ni takla malang sgt. Ada jer yg lagi malang. Paling teruk pun, tahun ni takder increment n bonus. At least I still got a job. Betul tak? My boss said all these will make me stronger. Will see if this will make me or brake me. Either way, I don't want to care.....

I'm so stressed! It's showing on my body. I never smile anymore, Im getting thinner and my temper has gotten shorter n shorter. Sometimes I think I'm even neglecting my son. My hubby has his own way of occupying his time. So, not worry too much on him. It's just that lately aku asyik cari reason nak marah dia. He is a very2 nice person n now dia tak f*** up, it's getting more n more difficult to be angry at him.
Arghh stress nyer......

Facebook is so much fun. There were people esp from high school that I thought I could never get in touch, but thanks to facebook, I can contact them again. Seeing old pictures, oh, how I missed my dorm n the people in it. Cikgu2 nyer juga. Dah tinnggalkan sekolah more than 10 years now. Mostly dah ada family n career. I think we grew up well. Mlm tadi Aiman terjaga tgh mlm, rasa mcm nak sambung tido jer. Dahla hujan2 ni. Boss bsr kata nak amik cuti. Hehe

am trying to post my son's pix but i guess the pixel is too large and i dont know how to scale it down. anyhow, maybe will try to do that later. recently gotten myself a facebook id. not so many friends yet. but i actually got hooked to it. everyday will be checking what are they saying and all... luckily i got a free wifi in my room. most prob one of our neighbor's have wifi. hehe... lucky me. otherwise have to buy one myself.

my son is growing very well. everyday is such a blessing. whatever he does makes us so delighted. when he starts to sit on his own, walk, jump, run, say all those small things like abah, makan, nak, tu... every single things that he does makes us soo happy. :)

my mother is also looking much much better. i'm glad i encourage her to do chemo and radio despite some of our relative's comment on chemo. yup, we do hear scary stories about chemo. but she is holding very very well... and i am very grateful on that. alhamdullilah, the effect is not as bad. she is eating well.

what does it mean to be independent? Is it the ability to do things on your own. Does not need help from others? As I grow older I find it more and more difficult to be independent. I surely cannot go to work, earn money and at the same time stay home and take care of my son. I still need help from others to take care of my son. Does this mean I'm less independent? And at work, it's impossible for me to work in silo. I have to ask peole for help to get a certain job done. I think if I truly want to be an independent person I should be a very succesful painter. I don't have to leave home. My work does not depend on others. And I can paint when my son at school or taking his nap. Yeah, not everyone can be a painter. Let alone a successful one. Good luck to me :)

i was suppose to start putting up an article in this blog. but since i am too busy watching dramas, i cannot find the time to do it yet. at this moment, i already have two topics, am thinking about the third topic.. what is the point of having these topics if i cannot start right?
anyhow, recently i have been spending beyond my means. this is the third month that i cannot settle my credit card debt. i really need to start cutting down on my expenses. have been treating myself to good food and spas lately. need to put a stop to it. aiman's susu consumption also has increased. takkanla nak cut down on that right? so, the only way to do it is by living like i use to like last time, no shopping, no eating out... no fun... maybe i can ask my hubby to buy me things next time. he is living on a 400 allowance. but i cannot compare that with me when i have so many responsibilities. i guess this is not the place to vent my frustration on my spending habit or why everything is so expensive in Malaysia.
maybe i should migrate to US. hehe... and they are also in huge trouble now. economy is not doing very good...

happy new year. I am officially 29 years old. Last year I was too busy with Aiman that
I was totally forgotten to make a resolution. This year I can concentrate a little bit more on myself. This year I did came up with a resolution. Actually two. The first is to write meaningful material in this blog. Two is to swim once a week. I'm still thinking a good topic to write about.