next Thursday will be my 29th birthday. This year I'm thinking of pampering myself. First i'll do manicure pedicure, then massage. Later if not yet bored thinking of getting some facial. Then go swim. God, it has been like ages since the last time went swimming. Also asked matde to buy me some present. Hehe, selalunyer aku mintak duit jer. Aku suka pakai kebaya, so ask for keronsang. I have a set but it is too flamboyant. I want something simpler but nice.

aku tgh giler ngan ipod touch baru aku ni. Mana2 pegi mesti nak check ada wifi tak. When I'm use to the screen, this thing is actually not bad at all. Quite difficult to write long entrys because it's always correcting my words. Very tiring. Need to eat. Tata

Mak aku mengidap cancer. This past few days have been very painful to us all. Battery is running out. Have to continue later. Btw, took 7 days off and was trying to be fulltime housewife. It is so damn tiring.

Interesting quote from the movie 'Why did I get married?'
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.

But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.



Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. 'Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not'

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yes terday, Hahahaha . . ..'

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you st art thanking God for what you already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? 'They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!'

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!

this month i have no plan to go on any biz trips.
lately i dont feel like travelling at all. all i want to do is stay at home with my son. well... hubby is always like that regardless of school holidays or nor school holidays. so, he is not affected by not having me around.
anyways, i have a new task at work and am really liking it. most of my colleague see me as an aggressive person. at some point this is quite correct. all i want is to get my job done. also, i would really like to polish my writing skills. i hate to do presentation. i'm so terrible at it. but that's the best way to promote yourself to the bosses. heck, i dont give a damn about it anymore.
if i feel like not doing this anymore, i will just try look for other opportunity. i think i dont mind being an executive forever. at at this moment la.

today my 2nd day in spore this month
everytime i went on a trip, there's always a part of my breast that got engorged
not sure why this happen. i think i pump out the milk inefficiently that some was left out
i just hate it. it really hurts and i just have to pump it out
i'm using manual pump now. the electrical suction was so weak....
i'm aiming for medela PISA or freestyle for my next baby
my hubby thinks that it is such a waste of money to buy breast pump and all because he thinks i am a very lazy person. dont think i will be committed to pump all the time.
i think he is right... as much as i hate it, have to admit that he is always rational and he thinks before he does things. so glad to have someone so rational to handle the irrational me.

lately all my thoughts centered around my workplace
somehow i have this feeling that it's getting out of hand
i dont know what i'm doing anymore. my relationship with my boss not very good
most of the time i feel i am at loss
i hate to just give up. it doesnt feel right to give up
i like my job. i like talking to people and the occasional travelling
but the resposibility is just killing me
have to make money all the time. that's what marketing all about
and i've been spending a lot lately. it has gone to 3 digits now
it feels so good to spend. everytime i'm stress at work
i go to salon and pamper myself or buy myself very very expensive things
the latest splurge was on my moisturizer and powder. i dont have pimple problem
and yet i want to buy something very expensive on myself
so, without thinking, i went in to MAC and just bought it
god... i really should put a brake on this pampering myself thingy.
i also started to pay a little bit more attention on myself.
before raya i went to do my hair. it was very expensive... yesterday i went for facial for the very first time. planning to do nails next
definitely has to start buying shoes/sandals again.
i always wanted another baby. mainly because it is such a great distraction on my career.
but matde say no and this time he put it as "i dont think u can handle two crying babies in a car or in a mall by yourself. you know i will be very busy and u will definitely take your children anywhere even by yourself". that is so much truth in it that i think i should at least wait until he is less busy or got pregnant during his senior year.
that's why never got married with a student. i have to be very independent. last weekend i went to Banting by myself because my husband got an exam. my baby cried for 15 minutes without stopping while trying his hardest to get out of his seat. i was so scared he is going get seizure. luckily somehow i manage to calm him down and he went straight to sleep.

i like my new layout
it's simple
serve the purpose
i have another 15 min before i need to go to work
i think i want to go to work late today
what the hell..

after thinking a little bit harder last night
i figured out that i should start making myself a little bit happier by start spending
i am not a shopping kinda person. shopping during sales repels me.
queue too long, it's takes forever to try on clothes.
so, what i'm going to do next is shop whenever it's convenient and affordable
no matter whether it's a sale or not
i dont really follow fashion. so i can wear without guilty a blouse that i bought 10 years ago
my sister gave me this long skirt. it looks very old. but i like it so much that i still wear it
i asked my hubby once if he is bothered that i wear horrible outfit to work or shopping
he doesnt. so, that solve my non-shopping for clothes problem
i am more like my dad. we will simply buy whatever that we think can make our live a little easier. when i was single, i even send my clothes for pressing. dont mind paying a buck for each cloth. i'm so glad i figured that out. i'm also happy yesterday i got the chance to cut my hair short.
i've been meaning to cut my hair since last month but i simply dont have the time. one more thing that i should do is to save some money in a bank. i lovveee to save and i will actually smile when i see some of my money saved. if i cannot put aside 200, i should start with 50. as long as i am saving, i should be happy. i really hate to think that at 28, with a good job and a family, i still cannot do the things that i love. i will start with doing these small things.

since i watched Randy Pausch last lecture, i've been thinking hard about what i really want to do with my life. what is it that makes me happy
do i want to work my ass off for the rest of my life?
do i want to stay home and take care of my kids at home?
what is it that will make me truly happy and be satisfied with my life
i dont want to wager my happiness on my children nor my husband
i think it is too risky and what if they did not turn out to be what i wanted them to be?
will i be miserable forever? will i not be happy?
i need to do something for myself.
this cannot be base on someone else.
it has to be about me
when i was a kid, strangely my dream was to be a maid. i enjoy cleaning up my house so much
it's a mindless job and somehow i really liked it
then when i get a little older, i enjoy teaching people. i teach a lot when i was in high school. people basically queue up to ask questions from me. the other smart people has gone to better school. it gave me great satisfaction to see people that i taught do a little bit better in school
and i also enjoy teaching small kids. so, i think i would like to teach in kindergarten.
at least they are not rude. even if they acting up, they still looks very cute
these two dream jobs are easy to get but they pay really really low.
my current job eventhough at times can be extremely stressful, the pay is good and the office hour is somewhat negotiable. i can easily go to work late or take leave whenever i have emergency
and with a baby, this is happening quite regularly
realistically, i shouldnt quite my job as yet
even how stressful it is.. even if the boss hates me(i think).
maybe what is should do now is find a distraction
maybe a hobby will occupy my head from all these thoughts
even though i think i am not truly happy, i am still blessed to have such cute kid and a loving husband.

at this moment, i have two bosses.
one boss doesnt trust me, always think i have different agenda. fine, i always get this before. last time my senior think i'm stupid and will never do whatever i'm doing now. fine. last time my other boss think i always find excusess and always lied to him. fine. think whatever u want to think. i couldnt be bothered. why these people thinks so high of themselve and also looks down on people? by the way, all these are men. why they need to feed their ego that they are sooo much better than me? ok, i admit sometimes i can say stupid things, i can do even stupidier stuff... so, what? that's my character. why cant they guide me. instead of saying i'm not playing favorite. hello.... if u said that, meaning u realize that u are playing favorite and hoping other's not to see it. every time i think about it, i feels so angry. they act like they are so perfect. like there's nothing wrong with them....
arrgggghhhh.... if i dont think about my family and what can happen if i lost this job. i think i just show them my middle finger, storm out of the room, slammed the door and never come back.
like ashton kutcher said to cameron diaz in What Happen In Vegas "I would rather be happy doing nothing than be miserable doing what i hate".

i'm very excited... now 2 of my closest friends dah ada baby... so nanti kalau nak lepak2 tak rasa awkward to bawak baby sama
and i'm also very happy sbb most of colleague kata aku dah kurus. walaupun perut still agak buncit coz aku malas nak pakai bengkung after pantang
but i'm a little bit down coz something happen in the office. and my boss is scaring the hell out of me. and now i have to be more patient in the office. jgn pandai2 buat apa2. LOA is very important. it's ok not to do anything as long as you are not doing the wrong thing.
it's safer to not try to be a hero. i notice that is how my manager takes things in the office
and the sad thing is, he is still a manager after all this years...
and i just realize how important this job is to me and my family
just imagine what will happen if one day i got sacked? i'm the breadwinner.
even though i dont really buy things for myself. i need to distribute my money to all my family members.

oh... i am still breastfeeding at night and in the morning. and express breastmilk after lunch hour. i'm targeting till aiman 1 year old before totally stop expressing the breastmilk and just give formula. and targeting for aiman at least one and half year old to totally stop breastfeeding him... after taht... hopefully my hubby give the ok sign of having another one... it's weird.. i complaint non-stop when i was pregnant. i complaint more when aiman was born. and i still cannot forget the pain delivering him and how painful it was after it coz i pushed too hard. but after all that, i still want another cute little baby. penat camner pun, how stress i was about work, i still can push it away when i hear and see aiman laugh... :)
and just because of that, i dont mind going through all those process again....
thank you hubby for being there for me and be patient during those times... not all men can take it

i'm waiting for my flight back home to KL
this is a very nervous trip for me. 1st time leaving my 7 mth baby at home for 2 nights
everynight i sleep with him
it feels different not having him around. even though i am less tired. i still long to see him again
luckily my hubby followed. otherwise, i dont think i can sleep at all.
last time i thought i will get very cranky if i'm hungry and tired.
nowadays, i realize that i cannot be either stress/hungry/tired. bila ada 3 combination ni, better to stay away from me.... i can snap like a crazy woman anytime. so, i'm disciplaning myself to not bring work home. when i'm home. i dont care whatever happen to the world. biar la crude naik 10 dollar ker, drop 10 dollar ker... i cannot give a damn.
otherwise, i'll get crazy.

i got another 30 minutes to spend.
but got no idea to write...
ermmm... ideas... ideas....
ni la.. bila ada masa nak blogging, tiba2 takde idea pulak

bila teringat jer pasal duk kat US, sure aku tringat zaman2 matde lost...
pastu aku pun stress
bila dah berumur ni...and dah kerja.. and tau selok belok pasal kerja
and ada masa nak pikir pasal org lain
baru terpikir all the things that i can do for him then
tapi itu kisah lama
apa2 hal pun, aku still takkan bole tukar apa2
cuma skrg kena kuatkan semangat and remind myself that i can and will help him out
provided he didnt do anything stupid like having an affair or something la
itu mmg nak cari nahas jer la kan
i think i was in a way very selfish... i just want to get rid of him
i always wonder, what happen if he didnt come home
things might be very different...

i always wanted to know how it feels to be a fulltime housewife
how would it feel to get up in the morning without having to rush to the office
no traffic jem. no boss/colleague to please
no office politics to handle...
just worry what to cook for the day, if my husband will have dinner at home...
maybe one day when my hubby has started working, and we are almost ok...
i want to take one year no-pay holiday... and try to pursue other things. like being a good housewife
my hubby said, i will be a lousy one... but if u never try, u never know right???

something happened in my recently and people still talking about it
it makes me think about my relationship with my hubby
i always feel that i can be myself with him
and i always tell him. this is me... if u dont like me, just leave me.. coz i know i cannot change.
i also believe people dont change much.
u are not suppose to marry someone and expect him to change later
people normally will be themselve when they are around their significant other
getting married is one thing
staying happily married is a whole other thing
marriage is a hardwork
i dont believe we can be happily married without some effort.
that is just wishful thinking
i am glad though that my husband, despite his limitations, he is smart enough to handle me
i hope we will stay married until death do us part
and i hope i can handle all the problems that my children bring later on...
i really pity my parents. they have 8 children... and these 8 children are giving them 8 problems and sometimes they think they cant take it anymore...

i am participating at this one forum...
malaysian are generally reserve people.
most of the time we dont speak up in public
i think this is true even for managers
i came to me as a surprise that managers in my organization also will not speak up in public
for a company as established as the one i am in, i am expecting more vocal leaders, more upto date and daring leader
or maybe i was hoping too much?
being a young executive, one that just came back from overseas, i thought i can make a difference... initially i am a bold person, even if i dont know shit about something, i can put a straight face and talk about it like i know all about it... i've tried it during the last presentation skill course. but of course, i must not tell it to people who are in the same field
coz they surely know i was bullshitting all the way...
the problem was, when i think i know it, i assume that it is true.. which is not always the case. never crossed my mind to check it first. this one manager always caught me doing it. so i was shot and shot and shot down. now, i am no longer as bold.
i am quite afraid what i said will backfire. maybe one day when i am a boss. i must take the responsibility. sit in a driver seat so that i can drive myself to my desired destination
if i'm sitting on a passenger seat, god knows where i will be
normally my spirit will be fired up after a few session of motivational talks
but after 2-3 days, heheh... the fire will rekindle and slowly fading away
but this time, i will make sure i sit on the driver seat. i will put it on my table so that i will remember. i will not be the victim... must take charge of my own career.
whatever happen, i will not let my boss give me a 4 like he did last time.
i know i can be a great leader and i will definitely be one in a good time.
mainly because i loooovveeee to give people orders.. it give me a weird satisfaction after giving order... it somehow makes me feels good.....

i used to feel so stressed out pasal my baby
he cries and cries almost all the time.
i tried giving him extra milk.... nestum, whatever la... as long as he is quiet.
now the best solution is, when i think i can't take it anymore, i pass the baby to my hubby, cool down a little bit. x sampai 1/2 jam dah rindu kat baby balik. so, time tu jaga la baby jap
and now i eat and drink whatever i want
i feel like i need to reward myself for working very hard everyday
working 9-6, pump breastmilk 3 times a day, and waking up 3-4 time at night to breastfeed, taking care of baby when i got home by 7 and trying my best to help out my mother-in-law, keeping my room clean... and the list goes on and on.....
i dont think so much these days, i just do do do
being a mom is not easy but sometimes i couldnt belief it could be this hard
i need to remind myself not to get too stress out. eat whatever, when i about to feel too exhausted try to rest a little. i exploded once.. and i'm sure it wont be the last
i just hope i can control it before it ruin my life

nowadays, my appetite is still the same when i'm pregnant
worst, i can still finish up the food even when it is not tasty
almost everytime my hubby bought me food, i'll tell him how awful the food is and yet i'm able to finish it. anyway, i am still thankful coz i am losing my pregnancy weight day by day, i can wear almost all my old clothes now. still quite tight but at least can fit into it now... tak macam dulu, langsung tak bole masuk.

i got another 15 minutes break and i'm using it to write my blog
is there something wrong with me?
last year was a lott of distraction for me
got married, got pregnant, got baby. not so concentrate on my career
now everything pretty much settled
i can concentrate more on my job.
in my line of work, i need to know practically everything
for me, this can be challenging, coz it's not easy for me to remember things
i read a lot, and forget a lot too
sentiments play a huge role in pricing... u hear some explosion here and some country bombing another country and the price jump up like crazy. nowadays not necessarily price increase if demand surpass supply... fear is also a factor...
anyways, it is still pretty much interesting
will move to another department once things gets too routine here.
lucky me, i can move around anytime i want

skrg ni musim budak2 masuk asrama
everytime aku dgr one of my cousins masuk asrama, aku sure tringat time2 aku dulu
1st night i cried. aku ni tak manja ngan parents and bole di-catogerykan as independent la jugak tapi still rasa sedih bila duk jauh dari parents. so, i cannot imagine mcmana la yg manja2 tu.
my sister in law duk asrama 2 minggu, then balik ke rumah balik
before ada anak, aku rasa benda tu ridiculous giler.
tapi bila dah ada ni... make sense jugak napa the parents willing to let her home again. even though she was in Johor. in that two weeks, god knows how many times my in-laws went there.
it is sooo crazy....
i am reading this book about parenting by John D Gray. "Children are from heaven"
basically kid has 4 major temperemants, active, responsive, sensitive and one more i always forgot. anyways, he explains how to deal with each temperaments. really an eye-opening.
and very usefuls too. there are different techniques to deal with kids tantrums, how to lessen their resistance. he likes to use the word resistance a lot. how to balance between hard-love and soft-love parenting. what to say and all. i cannot really remember how my parents treated me as a child. my mom too busy with my younger siblings and my dad so busy getting enough money to survive. i cannot blame either one of them. i think i turned out great anyways. even though i am not a genius, i'm able to think. and i always have enough even though i am the bread-winner and my husband is still studying. all in all, everything is great and i am gratefull to Allah for all that he has given me all this while...... :) this is one of the days when i am feeling serreeennnee... not sure why. maybe my PMS days have passed and my hormone will rage again in the next few days...

i just came back from a finance course
initially i always thought that finance is such a boring thing... actually i still think it is
but now i see it in a very different view. it teach me a little on how to be a business woman
i know i would never start my own business
too stressful. my life is stressfull as it is and i dont need to make it worst
that course has taught me how to manage my money more efficiently.
it is not wise to save all your money. u should keep some for security and the extra we should combine it with some loan and do a little investment like in property. i am yet to have extra... all my money as of now is just enough for security... god willing, my managers are kind enough not to give me penalty for this year performance, i should get a bonus. provided that i am not expecting again (the 1st one is accidental) and not buying any property and my husband did not coax me to buy something expensive... the bonus should cover for any emergency and i will have extra.... so... maybe i can cook something up.
since my social life is diminishing right now... i think i have lots of time to do things for myself.
i am trying my best not to feel obligated to help out my MIL.
since aku menumpang, and since little i was taught that when people give something to u it is definitely not free, we must return something back... even with family, i always fell obligated to do something like clean up the kitchen, washing the dishes, lipat kain etc etc
sounds simple, but it does require my time and i can use the time to sleeppppp
i am sleep deprived. i tried giving my son formula milk at night coz i thought feeding through bottle is much faster. but it is actually easier to just give my breast coz he can fall to sleep faster.
i am trying to be a good mom. i try to handle my son gently but gentle is not in my vocabulary. i am reckless and there were times when i am endangering my son.... i really hope i can change this before something really bad happens... i wish god nothing bad will happen.

aku cuti hari ni.... yeayyyyyy
chinese new year, aku lak yg beriya iya cuti
1 feb federal day... and amik 3 hari cuti... dapat 10 hari kat rumah.... so... rasa berbaloi giler
dapat spend lebih masa skit ngan anak
sayang anak ni sgt berbeza ngan sayang benda2 lain
mcm org kata sanggup buat apa2 jerla
kalau aku tgk kakak2 aku yg garang giler ngan anak diorg pun, kalau dia benda2 tak elok jadi kat anak diorg sure risau giler... tak kirala emak tu camner.. aku rasa kalau dah namanyer anak tu, sure syg giler

alhamdullilah, aku masih berjaya bagi anak aku susu badan
walaupun letih nak pam 3 kali kat office... rasanyer bebaloi bila tgk anak sihat
and tau yg kita dpt beri yg terbaik utk anak
susu dari badan kita yg khas utk dia mmg tak dpt nak dibeli di mana2
insyallah akan aku gagahkan diri bagi dia susu badan sampai at least 6 bulan.

hari ni dah masuk third week aku masuk kerja
everyday has become a routine
breastfeed baby around 5/6 am, have some nap, get up and get ready to work, 7.30 go to work.
8 arrive at the office
8-9 express breastmilk.
9-12 buat kerja
12-1 express breastmilk
1-4 buat kerja
4-5 express breastmilk
5-6 buat kerja
6-rush back home....
7-sampai rumah
7-10 jaga anak la pulak.....
10-11 tido kan anak... and aku pun tido
sikit giler masa for myself. selalunyer during weekends, demi nak membanyakkan susu badan, aku express gak breast milk between feeds.
so, i am really really exhausted. and bila dah penat rasa nak mengamukkk jer... coz i dont get enough rest. cant wait for my child to phase out his night feeds, i think around 6-7 mth kot
alhamdullilah... skrg ni lepas breastfeed 12 mlm, the next time dia bangun around 4.30-5 am... patutla aku penat, dalam sehari, byk tu jer aku rehat sbnrnya...

welcome 2008...
it's getting easier handling my son now
dah bole agak bila dia ngantuk, lapa and saja2 nak nangis
takderla clueless sgt cam dulu
and my nipple not as sore as before... so, breastfeeding is also getting more comfortable.
alhamdullilah... malam2 pun dia tido... occasional feeding during the night. no more screams and crying until 6 am. part tu yg paling aku syukur sekali. takla rasa cam naik giler
matde pun takle menjadi target mengamuk kepenatan aku
aku takleh handle tiredness... mesti mengamuk punya.
all in all... after sometimes we sure will get use to these changes