aku dah ada hobi baru... beading...

seronok lak rasa menjahit2 manik ni. bila buat tu rasa leka... bagi aku, better buat benda tu dari main game.. selalunyer bila aku bosan sgt, aku mainla game yg takyah guna otak.. susun2 objek ker... stuff like that.. tapi bila beading ni.. in the end ada gak result nyer. and i think i like glittery stuff. so, bila aku dah pandai beading krg, bole la aku kasi hadiah kat kawan2 aku nyer birthday like beaded purse, anting2 or rantai yg aku buat sendiri. the question is... kat mana aku nak beli bead2 tu?

ada tinggal about 2 more weeks before aku masuk 26 tahun... uuuuu... 26 u, sounds like i'm old... that's why i started to wear baju kecik2 skrg ni. nak lawan rasa tua tu. bila dress up like a girl. bole la rasa mcm budak2 skit. skrg ni, i think my body dah sampai ke tahap optimum and skit jer lagi masuk area tembam/gemuk. so, really watching my weight right now. gi swimming as often as i can..

ok... 2005... apa yg aku dah buat and tak buat. a couple of events have happened in 2005 that i will never forget for the rest of my life. sometimes i myself wonder how in the world i could do what i did. i guess, desperate situation calls for desperate measures. i know what i did was wrong, terribly wrong, and the path that i took will surely haunt me for years to come. is it why i'm so afraid of the dark lately? is it my conscience that prevent me from having a good night sleep? i woken up like 3-4 times every night... it is very2 tiring. normally when i had a very2 bad experience, i will try to forget it and keep it stored somewhere at the back of my head. eventually i'll forget about it. but will my guilt allow me to do it? maybe not. maybe everyone will have some dark moments that they have to deal with.

i hope next year will be a better year. and really hope my man will figure out what he wants to do with his life because i know i'm going to stay in this corporate world only for the next 8 years and a half. i don't think i can survive very long here. i don't think it is for me and i want to take care of my family for a change without worrying about money every single day....

aku gi blog elly and tried out "which sex and the city vixen are u" and i got miranda... ermm.. sama rupanyer kita elly. and yeah... both of us share the same passion for men... we do criticize them a lot and feel that we need more freedom... more guys... more...

it's true that skrg ni aku asyik terpk pasal nak kawin jer... aku dah beli baju kawin. start jahit2 manik utk brg hantaran... if my mom knew this, she'll scream. my parents tak kasi aku beli apa2 before tarikh kawin ditetapkan... i understand why... iyerla takut2 tak jadi kawin kang.. tak ker membazir. anyhow.. tak kisah la tu. parents aku ni rupa2nyer agak tak moden rupanyer. easp my dad. he doesn't even allow matde visit me at kampung that often. and matde gladly agrees. i just hope bila matde's parents and my parents borak2, matde's won't blurted out that i picked matde up at their house almost everyweek. i just love to potray that i am such a good girl in front of my parents. hipocrite? maybe... but it is better to do so rather than leave them worried all the time.

lama dah aku tak kutuk2 matde kan? trasa rindu lak nak buat camtu... :)
we have been together for about 5 years.. i cannot remember the anniversary date. heck, i cannot even remember the exact date we got engaged. i know it was in july... late july. malas nak check calender. remembering dates is not my cup of tea. luckily my birthday is on jan 1st... otherwise, i myself might forgot about it.

i really hope he will finalise his plan soonet possible so that i can start plan our wedding. i hate this uncertainty. bukan jer org2 lain tertanya2 bila aku nak kawin. aku sendiri pun tertanya2... tau2 jerla. keja kawin ni byk planning nyer. taknakla buat cam bertunang itu hari. sampai hampir breakdown. penat giler... and baju pun tangkap muat jer.

last few days i had a conversation with one of housemates.. we talked about our laki of course... nak cakap pasal apa lagi kan? and make fun of them skit2... skit jer... tak banyak pun and kutuk2 matde as usual (it's ok honey, despite your flaws, i still loooovveeee uuu). matde asked me once what about him that i loved.. to tell the truth, there's none of it. he's persistent (if he really want something), cannot leave me alone, always membebel... and tak cool langsung (walaupun selalu buat2 cam cool) . the reason why we still together is (i think) is because we are compatible with each other (i.e aku cool vs matde tak cool)... kalau dua2 cool susah la kan... okla.... dah takder idea memuji diri sendiri...

a friend in need is a friend indeed-sbnrnya sampai skrg pun aku tak tau apa maksudnyer... care to share? no ... i'm not going to talk about friends... this is my blog. so, here is where i show the self-centered me. and will not talk about other than me and me and me....

right now, i'm tired as hell. went back home at 2.30 last night and practically dragged my feet to get to my apartment. damn tired. last 2 nights aku mimpi pasal hantu... sure aku mengigau giler teruk pastu terjaga kul 5.30 pagi and couldn't sleep again at all.... then pegi keja and worked my ass off from 8.30 till 6.30... FYI, i am very hard working girl that i worked and worked... hopefully my boss appreciate what i did.

then off to hang out with elly, adik elly, rafik n matde... before going to see harry porter. for me... harry porter nyer movie is getting better... no more lenghty scenes of people playing quidditch.. by now we are smart enough to figure out how the games worked and i take it as an insult if they put that kind of scenes again... ingat aku tak bijak ker? the movie ended before i felt really2 tired (unlike the other three movies)... so, thumbs up.. harry potter pun makin handsome..

abis movie lepak lak kat open house yus... by 2 am aku dah takleh nak bukak mata dah. masa tu dah 20 jam 30 min aku stay awake... i should just cool down a little bit, i think.

since i have about 1 more hour to kill... aku nak masuk another topic la... i really2 think that men can be very mean and cruel sometimes... and sgt2 pandai mengambil kesempatan. sgt2 jarang aku jumpa lelaki yg sanggup amik responsibility of what they did. they can act really stupid too sometimes. for example, my sis told me that her friend's husband is currently studying at KL and the friend adalah cikgu and ada 5 org anak... pastu bole la pulak, laki dia tu tak bagi keta/motor utk kegunaan harian minah ni... and to top it off, card atm minah tu ada kat laki dia. kenapa laki dia takleh pk, minah tu kena pakai lagi byk duit, tapi duit gaji bini dia pun dia jaga. minah tu kat sungai besar ok? menyirap darah aku mendengarnyer.. kenapa laki? tak pk ker camner minah ni nak beli food, nak hantar anak gi klinik kalau anak dia sakit?

arrggghhh.... adala mcm2 laki tentang kebodohan/ketidak-adilan lelaki yg aku dgr... isk isk isk...

selamat hari raya...
indeed it is a very tiring raya. ramai pulak yg berkunjung ke rumah aku. every day aku buat at least 4 bottles of air sarsi. botol yg besar lak tu. aku rasa bole bukak kedai air camni... rasanyer tak ramai pun last year and tak sepenat ini. masa hari2 last berbuka, for the first time ever, semua org dlm family aku ada berbuka puasa sama2. ada la dalam 19 org semuanya... itupun baru tiga org yg kawin. kalau semua dah kawin... mmg jatuh pengsan aku. aku rasa next year lagi ramai sbb abah aku kiranyer org yg paling tua dalam family side dia. org2 kg sebelah mostly sedara mara dia. and i just found out that i am the third generation that stayed in Malaysia and my great-grandfather was an immigrant. so, the jawa tradition is still very strong... if u are at kampung2 org jawa masa raya ni... nila the most common words yg korg akan dengar:
dayoh-tetamu2
munggah-naik rumah
melebu-masuk
ngombe-minum
ngapuro-mintak maaf
ngelencer-beraya
pangan-makan

rumah aku kat kampung sentiasa terbuka kalau sapa2 nak berkunjung. rumah kat ukay tuh... payah skit la yer... tak larat den nak mengemas nyer

selamat berpuasa....

aku pun tgh berpuasa bersungguh2 skrg ni... berpuasa waktu keja is not so bad but tak berpuasa time keja sgtla menyeksakan... aku ni jenis yg malu2 kucing nak makan kat dpn org. and terpaksa menyorok2 kat dalam bilik stor mana2. pastu nak beli pun segan gak. terpaksala bawak bekal. aku ingat nak amik cuti time tak posa... tapi keja aku ni, takleh amik cuti time tgh2 bulan... time tula yg paling bz. aku pun dah naik pening kepala camner nak menggunakan 7 hari cuti yg pet kasi bila aku kawin krg. sure masuk hari ke-3 dah terkedek2 masuk office. unless aku nyer majlis kat kelantan tu...

actually i always think that since matde tak keja lagi, sure mak dia taknak buat majlis kat kelantan. which i don't mind at all... tapi i don't think so... sbb dia pun selalu dah hint2 nak buat kat kelantan... arrgghhh.... taknak...

okla.. aku nak kena gi sheraton hotel dah. ada org nak belanja berbuka kat sana...

another day staying late at the office... ermmm... tired la...
a lot of times i wonder, i'm not married yet, i don't have kids yet but even now, i came home dead tired. so, if i get married (maybe next yr), how am i going to cope? can i be a good mother/wife? setiap hari... aku balik, aku makan and trus tido... kalau weekend... mmg 14-16 hrs tido... nak rehat la katakan. masak mmg jauh skali. masak maggie bole la....

arrgghhh... tolong....patutla ramai pompuan suka jadi cikgu and ramai org petronas suka kawin ngan cikgu. senang skit nak balik umah. and ada colleague aku even cakap "awak ni kena tukar profession azzirah, takder org nak krg"... bole la pulak gitu. anyways, selagi aku blum kawin. i'm going to enjoy this care-free live... no cooking and no washing dishes.. tangan i sensitive u...

in another 15 mins, i have to go for a dinner meeting. i'm going to have free dinners until wednesday... :) sometimes i think this is the only good thing doing what i do. plus, i got to visit other asean countries...

but there are times like right now when i think i just don't want to go to work. it is actually quite depressing... trying to solve the same old problem. got scolded for the same things... and i think my work getting a little bit sloppy. even though i have a new colleague, my workload tak pulak berkurang2. if i'm not at the office, i still have to settle my shit but when she is not in the office... benda2 alah dia pun aku nak kena settle kan. and kitorg selalu la pulak takder kat office... so, mcm takder byk yg berubah....

baru jer setahun keja... dah trasa beaten with life. i just hope this is a PMS. suck tau... sucks... kdg2 rasa nak marah org jer. tapi lepas tu sure rasa bersalah giler. if possible, i don't want to do that. it is just too mean. matde knows how i can be if i'm angry. so, dia pun risau kalau aku marah2 kat office. okla.. dah pukul 7. kena solat before makan korean food yg besttttttt..... esok ajak customer aku makan kat mana lak yer?

i'm in pain... giler sakit gusi aku skrg ni. for the first time ever in my life aku gi dentist to take out my tooth. selalunyer gigi2 aku yg lain aku biar jer dia tanggal sendiri... of course la bila baru sampai tu don't know what to expect. so, nervous la jugak. then dia amik the srynge with very long needle... still ok.. sampai kali ke-4 tu aku dah start cuak. aku tgk alat2 dia... damn... semua scary... tapi still ok lagi... pastu dia amik pisau potong2 skit.. still ok sbb tak rasa apa2... then dia start la pulak tekan2 ke bwh and try cabut... gagal... bila start dia menekan ngan bersungguh buat kali ke-3 aku dah start menangis.. punya la sakit masa tu.. tangan aku naik kejang sbb dentist tak kasi angkat2 badan. aku ckpla.. camner nak tak angkat badan.. that is a reaction to a pain. adala dlm 1.5 jam aku nyer gigi kena kerja kan. 2 kali gigi pecah sbb time tarik, spanar slip and pecahkan gigi kat atas and setiap kali tu aku menjerit ngan kuat nyer... sure org kat luar gerun jer dgr

bole la pulak dentist tu ckp... sabar dik... amik nafas ngan mulut, hembus pelan2 ikut idung.. mmg sakit, saya tau.... masa tu aku rasa bangang ke apa doktor ni... tak nampak ke darah aku terpercik sampai ke tudung dia... time tu dah xleh pk dah... sakit dia kalau aku nak gambarkan is like ko ada luka.. and then ko tekan kuat2 luka tu... bila dah tak tahan sgt aku hampir2 jer nak give up tapi doktor ckp kalau stop lagi teruk krg sbb aku nyer gusi dah kena potong. so, when the pain eases a little, aku tekadkan diri.. biar sakit camner pun, aku akan tahan jer... last2 alhamdullilah, dia tarik kuat2 and aku mmg pasrah jer masa tu... and kuar gak akhirnyer gigi bungsuku bersama akar2 nyer skali...

it seems that my gigi bongsu nyer akar bercantum and bengkok ke kiri... patutla sakit. itula pengalaman aku yg paling ngeri mencabut gigi.. lepas ni xde la aku nak cabut gigi dah. aku kena 2 jahitan. jumaat baru bole bukak... arrggggghhh... seksanya rasa...

aku ada boss. aku ada keja... aku kena sara diri sendiri and give some to other people... that means i cannot lose my job. so, i need to work very hard coz i know if i cannot feed myself nobody would. at least that is how i think since i was in high school. so... it is sometimes very irritating to keep saying and explaining that i have to work... and i cannot do certain stuff at certain time because my big boss is very punctual. if he caught me coming late to the office.. then i'm dead. i am not a trader that make millions of dollars, i am just an operator... that at times have to spend some money. get it?

i'm defintitely not a good person, if i am a good person i would never do the things that i did. i'm dying inside knowing that i can't undo it. everyone has their limits... i think i'm nearing mine. i don't know what i would do. i tried to be nice... but maybe i'm naturally an evil person. so, eventually, the evil me will surface.

btw, aku tgh tgk naruto skrg ni... sgt tekun menontonnyer.. sampai harry potter pun aku tolak tepi. kena baca dari mula lagi skali la nampak gayanyer.

aku dah bertunang... :) the feeling, very difficult to explain but deifinitely happy. i think i'm doing the right thing and i'm happy because everyone in the family also happy. we have not have a wedding for a very long time and now will be looking forward for one. so, i cannot spoil this one. skrg aku dah ada dua cincin yg aku suka and i'll try not to get fatter so that i can always put it on my fingers...

cannot thank enough to all my friends yg sudi dtg with a very short notice.. elly for helping out on my make-up, hantaran and also shopping for the hantaran. both aku ngan matde guna byk brg elly masa bertunang tu. kalau nak kawin nanti aku mesti ajak ko gak.

i know my decision to get married with matde is kinda shock. maklumla, asyik gaaaduh jer. in fact we split for almost a month before that. but when i finally get back to him, i donn't see the point of trying to leave him anymore.. so, we had some discussions and decided to just get married... :) also, it's getting lonely with everyone busy with work and all. u cannot possibly hang out every nite. penat dohhh... i have faith in him and i'm sure he'll be a very successful man one day ...

akhirnya nak bertunang gak aku... :) very tiring process... nak kena cari baju, brg2 hantaran, kena buat hantaran. aku yg kurang creative dalam mengubah2 ni trasa sgt terseksa... mlm semalam bersungguh2 aku mencari bahan & gubah sendiri.. simple but i think it look nice. the only thing yg akan nampak off is the tmpt cincin. aku rasa nanti aku nak bukak balik and buat semula la. buruk nak mampus... murah la tapi benda tu... cuma 10 ringgit jer. kalau aku buat sendiri lagi lawa and murah. nyesal tul. tula... never shop when u r so damn tired.

aku hampir2 breakdown semalam sbb penat sgt. lusa lak nak kena basuh bilik sbb dah buat tido kucing. ciss sungguh la kucing tu. bole la plak gi branak dlm bilik kakak aku tuh. so, aku amik 2 hari cuti. rumah aku dah lama xde kenduri tunang or kawin. so, akan mengerah tenaga ngan secukup2 nyer la aku khamis, jumaat ni. aku nak suruh matde dtg tolong aku bersihkan rumah la. nasibla.. sapa suruh offer diri ari tu.

wish me luck people... hopefully sampai ke jinjang pelamin la kami berdua ni... amin....

aku ada kat permata skrg ni. ada course till wednesday. best tak yah kerja.. actually kena gak keja skit2. kerja aku ni, kalau ada phone jer pun bole jln. course yg aku amik ni utk aku nyer performance appraisal next yr. barula tau betapa pentingnyer appraisal ni. last yr aku buat asal utk hantar jer. gitu2 jer.

bila dah amik course2 camni. slalu la aku terpk where am i going in petronas. definitely aku xnak duduk kat satu position lama2. nak gakla jadi manager and all. it looks doable. but never knows la kan. anything can happen. and i'm sure in about 2 more yrs, i'll be dead bored with what i'm doing. so, definitely need to do something else as challenging as this but with less work and more rewarding. ermm... apa agaknyer tu yer.

skrg ni aku agak2 takut nak plan ahead coz whatever that i plan mmg 90% tak jadi or totally jadi benda lain. then i got too frustrated..and bla bla bla.. so, camner tu? fail to plan is plan to fail... cenggitu la kan. apa aku kena buat? kena plan ka?

"a lot like love".... not too sure if the movie out yet but i've watched it in cd... my sister said it was too slow.. luckily i watched it anyway... well.. i loved it. ashton is so cute and amanda peet also kinda cute... they look lovely together... :) i'm a sucker with this kind of movies, i like my bestfreind's wedding, sleepless in seattle, i got mail and never been kissed or... don't forget 50's first date.. movies like this is very easy to follow and u don't really have to wrecked your brain to get the message and not violent in any way. romantik gak aku rupanyer... if u don't like romantic movies, don't watched it... because it is indeed slow...

biasala kan... my life evolves around matde,work, reading books and movies... so, right now i'm reading this one book. a fantasy book. this is the first time that i read a fantasy book that does not involve any magic in it. for me, this book is quite interesting because one of the gods' or god's companion was a prostitute. so, prostitution is a common thing and they can even sell their children to become a prostitute one day.. the storyline goes like this. she was sold into this prostitution world... and one day was bought by one gentlemen and trained to be a spy. so, she is a whore-cum-spy. interesting ehh.... aku x abis baca lagik... but it get's more and more interesting. cuma biasala, at first it was quite confusing to understand the setting/the characters because they totally make it up and try to get as strange a name possible for a character.

a lot of people wonders about matde... i don't know why. is it because he never really hang out with his frens anymore or just for the sake of making a conversation with me. but, anyways, he is ok. better than before... i guess...

ok.. that's it... i've covered about book, matde and movie. maybe next week i'll start bitching about may endless work... i'm just taking it easy today because i was in the office for a full week this week... and by the 5th day normally i'll laid back a little.

company aku nak terbitkan satu majalah/suratkhabar by the name Berkat. pastu diorg mintak nominations.. since aku ingat nak jadi lecturer one day and ada mimpi2 nak tulis buku.. aku ingat aku nak try jadi AJK dia. cuma kena nominate myself la.. iyerla.. nak tunggu org nominate mmg jgn harap ler... sapa ler yg kenal aku kat sini kan. terperuk jer buat kerja kat ujung tuh. sampai colleague sendiri pun aku x ingat buat apa. nasib baik semua org nyer nama aku dah tau.

so... my dreams aside... seperti biasa... aku nak bercakap pasal hati and perasaan.... normally if nobody has never broke your heart, u cannot possibly understand what it means to be broken hearted. some people even die because of it. really... the pain, it is just unbeareable. it feels like someone has stabbed your heart over and over again. the first time i was broken hearted, i almost went crazy myself... i cried and cried, i cannot eat, i cannot sleep... literally... i thought i was losing my mind. i lost like 10 kg in one month. but then when that phase was over... of course la i gained another 15 kg... sometimes... it is kindly pointless to get an opinion from someone who never went through it because all they gonna tell is the logical part... be like this, be like that, be strong and bla2... and do they know what it really really feels like? i don't think so... my heart has been broken about 6 times already... and it gets easier to move on by the 6th time. but that does not mean that i want to go through it again. the pain is the same if not more but i'm able to get on my feet faster... it takes me about 3 days to get over the crying/not sleeping/not eating phase by the 6th time.

so, if your heart was broken for the first time... take it easy on yourself.. do whatever to make yourself feel better. but not to the point of killing somebody or yourself of course or injuring yourself...

dah pukul 6 skang ni. baik tak aku, mengguna kan masa office ngan sebetul2 nyer... after 6 baru berleka2... eheheh... ok, cukupla memuji diri sendiri...

i think a lot lately, one of it is... how do u know whether someone will stick by u through bad or good. most of the time, people will stick around when you are at your peak. when u have a lot of money, very good at your studies and a politician.. these goes the same for even our parents... do u think that they will stick by u if u did something that embarass them? the first thing that they do is just throw u out. it is very sad... whe u really think about it. just imagine... u are at ur lowest, u keep failing school for some reasons... or u just fucked up... took drugs or get urself pregnant. in general, u are good people... but when u started involved in these things... do u think u parents will stick around? or even your frens? that is sad... okla... sad2 pun... aku nak minum ngan member aku nih.

esok aku nak citer pasal batman lak... best gakla citer tu. nasib baik matde paksa aku gi. kalau tak.. mmg x tgk ler...

i'm very2 tired... my work is killing me... slowly or not... it is... i even quit my fitness club coz i can't even find the time to go... sometimes only once or twice a month.

walaupun kerja yg mmg melambak2 and xde gaya nak abis pun... aku telah volunteer myself to be the team leader for Meeting with Vice President of Oil Business in Petronas. Since everyone else in the committee has their task. the last thing they nominate is the team and i have no choice but to step put to the plate... giler la... i cannot even organize Rush's birthday party/ATU re-union... and now i'm organizing a party for my Vice President. wish me luck guys. i really hope this one will go smoothly.

i think all these while, i always imagine myself living a hard difficult life. and it did turns out like that. since i was a child, i can't seem to have enough money. sometimes to the point of starving myself. my pride just did not allow me to ask money from my parents... the result, i do not know how to spend my money... i cannot shop. everytime i tried shopping, i started calculating my money in the bank and gauge whether it will be enough or not... not too sure whether it is a good or bad habit. sometimes bad for me coz i'm the most ill-dress exec here and always have no appropriate cloth to wear to functions/dinner. and then, my boyfreind... i just cannot understand why he cannot be a successful person when he is with me... maybe i always think he is a loser..(sorry matde)... and to those who still confuse what is going on between me and matde... yeah... we are together again... :) even though he has 1000 faults in him... i still want to be with him.. okla.. kalau aku teruskan.. sure aku kutuk2 dia lagi kan.. so, i better stop now.

so, what i'm going to say is... from now on, i will always imagine that my life in the future will be very2 easy. matde will be a millionare.. i'll be satisfied with my job/career and will never get fat, my family will love me and bla.. bla bla.... i hope my dear readers will pray the same for me too..

lately bloggers are given a lot of attention in the media..... i came across articles about bloggers kat dlm business week and herald... maybe aku pernah baca something kat NST gak kot... tp kecik jer column dia..blog is dangerous because it is totally unscreened by anyone... media kat mana2 pun di control oleh some organization kan tapi kita ni membebel la ntah apa2 tah... blog is a new form of freedom of speech. and once it was publish... no way u can take it back.. i think i read one article about one blogger that has been sued by one politician in singapore because the blogger has said something bad about him... damn... so, anytime u have any strong opinion about a politician or a government or even a company... be very2 careful on your comment. they have a lot of recources and you don't want something bad happen to u just because of your opinion.... don't get fool by thinking that just because you are living in democratic country u can say just about anything...

anyways... bloggers aside, what are u going to do when ur x is getting married and there is no way u going not to see him happily together with his wife in your lifetime... he is always be there somewhere in your life... maybe that is why try not to have a relationship with your frens or someone that live nearby or a relative... or better yet, do like natalie portman did in closer... go to a different country, met someone and never give him your real name. so, when things just did not work out, u leave him and the country... he won't be able to find you when he thinks he wants to screw you again. smart isn't it?

had lunch with philippines broker just now. we'll... before that we tried to celebrate my boss birthday which turns out to be a total disaster. first i was not in d mood, sec. my colleague just plain ***** which i don't think i can tolerate him now... he is just a total *** sometimes...

ok.. i was just in a very bad mood. that's all... ok.. off to shopping now.

the last book i read was Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. It was awesome.... initially, it looked like a typical american story book but in the end, it gets really interesting.. tells about a relationship between a mother and daughter. i almost cried reading this... i would recommend to those that wants to read this book. it really get me thinking about me and my mother. well... when i was young, my mother was sooo busy with her other kids (i have 4younger brothers/sister) so, she did not have time for me... so, i felt neglected. but now, she has all the time in the world to worry about me. sometimes i really hate that coz, there's a lot of stuff that she won't allow me to do... but anyways, i loved her so much and i cannot imagine life without her. even though i never really tell her my problems, but it is always nice to know that there's someone that will always be there for you no matter how terrible u have been. THat is what we call mother's love... the unconditional love....

lately i have been watching sex and the city or in short SATC. i don't know why but everytime i watched Big hurt Carrie... i will cry. without fail. it was sad... so sad...

:) aku rasa kalau aku x mengutuk laki mmg x sahkan... kesian member2 laki aku. kdg2 tu yg baik2 lak yg trasa. yg agak2 nakal2 ke arah2 menghancurkan idup org tu x lak pulak trasa. anyaways... aku akan cuba sedaya upaya utk x menyakiti hati sapa2... ni la padahnyer kalau mulut xde insurance.

aku nak kena gi gym dah nih. oo... aku join gym skrg. that is how i feel my nite life and that is also how i don't feel that lonely even though i'm not dating right now. weekend lak kat rumah. member2 suma or almost suma bz with all other stuff. at first it feels weird for not really having contact with people in a day. or just a normal conversation. but i know it is something that we just have to deal with. if i cannot handle one more bad relationship... i have to be alone for quite sometimes.... but who knows, maybe since aku ada byk kat kg... tiba2 ada org terpikat ngan rambut pendek aku ker?

okla.. time to pilate... laters....

hari ni ari ahad. adik aku nak gi cc. so, here i am....

aku skrg ni agak2 menyampah ngan citer melayu skrg. mostly potray wanita melayu ni lemah and senang ditindas. yg pompuannyer lak trima jer... x fight langsung. kot yer pun kalau mak mentua tu agak2 mcm nak membunuh dia, try2 la sepak2 skit ker.. lari dari rumah ker. x creative langsung. ni la kalau rumah xde astro and dvd player... tgk jerla citer melayu yg x pernah brubah jln citer nyer.

sbnrnya real life pun xla beza sgt dari citer drama melayu tuh. selalunye bila laki be it a husband or boyfriend buat sial, the girl maafkan jer. sometimes enough for the guy to say sorry. and that's it. when something like that happen again, all he has to say, "sorry honey, i did not see it coming... u see, this kind of thing just come without warning, forgive me ya..." sambil buat muka sedih2 skit and then ckpla yg kalau minah tu x maafkan nak langgar pokok la, xnak makan la.... and bla2... what a jerk. and the girl pun.. apalagi, maafkan la...

the worst thing about all these is the guy doesn't have to see and hear the girl crying her heart out at nite. her frens will have to see it. her other girl frens would be the one that will be there, consoling, calm her down. if i have my ways, i will call and scold all these stupid men. i can understand why some people evntually go back to the old partner. they somtimes afraid of the future. takut x kawin and all. which is valid. kat mesia skrg ni, pompuan lagi ramai dari laki. so, aku paham la. but at least please fight a little. pls don't let him do that to u over and over again. always keep in mind that sometimes enough is enough......

makin lama makin cepat lak masa berlalu... tiba2 jer dah 25 aku nih. tiba2 jer dah 1 tahun aku kerja kat petronas.
i got a new ceo and he made a major overhaul to the company. restructuring the people. well.. since i'm new and only a baby, i don't really care... things like this i bet always happen. u cannot expect too much when working in a big organization easp like petronas.

i come to realization, in petronas, you need to have a good relationship with your superior. u might be the best staff there but if u are hated by your superior... there is no where u can go. but if u are not so good... loose some money, here and there but knows how to golf, go to all the parties, organize stuff... u can be someboday someday. since i'm not too good in doing those. i cannot help but wonder, what will i be in 10 yrs time. for sure i do not want to stay doing what i'm doing for the next ten yrs... i would love to venture in something else... maybe i would do as what my predecessor did, moved to MLNG marketing department. i heard they travelled a lot over there... ehehe... travelling a lot can be fun and can be a lot of work sometimes too...

i travel at least once a month. but when i travel, nobody will take over my job in the office. the heap of my inbox getting bigger each day that i'm gone... so... actually by travelling, i had more stuff to do than not. but hey, since the allowance is good... bole la... ehehe..

aku mmg dah lama nak update... tapi tak kesampaian.
mmg agak tensi aku lately nih... tapi skrg aku try to take it very slow...and agak2 malas nak buat kerja. rasa nak tido jer...

watched "Alfie" last nite. a true womanizer movie. he is living life to the fullest. i will really2 hate him in real life. but since he looked so damn hot in the movie, i just have to like him a little ;) i think men in general is a player. they cannot seem to be with only one women. maybe it's in their nature? not that i'm ok with the idea. i was just trying to understand this thing. on a softer note, i do like the idea of living the simplest life u can. not tyring to get as much money as we can or like he put it "i don't want to be the richest stiff in the graveyard". that is why i love American beauty that much. Kevin Spacey left his meaningless life to work in low-paying job but his life improved drastically after that. he's able to live his life to the fullest.

disclaimer: the following is not to say i hate this guy, just pointing out how stupid a man can be
last nite, out of pure stupidity, my best friend's boyfriend dragged my bestfriend to meet his other girlfrend to discuss who should be his girlfren. And he did this at Puduraya. Can't he be even more stupid than that? and then he left my bestfreind at Puduraya to accompany his other girlfriend to her hometown. why la... why??? what was he thinking? nak kata tak sekolah... masuk gak U. takleh ke pikir camner prasaan kawan aku tuh? i don't know how my freind is coping with it. She has been with this guy for the last 5 years... maybe some girls just need to be a little stupid to fall for someone like that before she can be a little bit smarter. what a waste of time to love someone as stupid as that for so long. i really hope she will realize it now...

i officially hate my life... i know that is a really terrible thing to say but as of now. i do... i had a crush with someone that is already has a girlfren and going serious with her. the guys that keep calling me already has a girlfren and what is he doing calling/buggin me? my x couldn't just leave me alone... I NEED SPACE AND TIME... no wonder u are a drop out. u cannot even understand those 5 words...

and today i found out that i cannot take my very much needed vacation. everyone will not be in the office and i have to stay. i almost cried in front of the traders just now. one more push and that's it... they will see me crying. god.. i am such a baby. i hate them... hate it... hate it... and off course, my terminal is always having problems... plan2 pun tak guna. nothing works... cannot push here, cannot push there... so... what i do then? write this damn blog.,... fuck fuck fuck....

and for your info i am not experiencing any PMS... not at all... i just fustrated with everything that is going on... very very frustrated.... can i just kill everyone around me and be done with it? maybe i should just quit and become a waiter? or stop working in one hour?

everything is my fault. stop taking responsibility... my trader said. now, they said take some... you know what just fuck yourself and be done with it?

i lost it again just now. i couldn't keep my temper sometimes... it is just annoying. i have told them do not sell the cargo. they did not want to listen. maybe i just cannot cool it... damn... now my trader must have hated me. why the hell did he say that. he made a mistake, i have to cover.

sometimes i feel like smacking him in the face. biar dia tau skit. oh well... what is done, is done... tomorrow is just another day. and speaking about tomorrow... my very very good friend will be getting engage tomorrow. i won't miss it for the world. she meant a lot to me and i will be there for her coz i know she must want me to be there.

i hope she will be very happy with the person she decided to live with.

got a msg from the trader just now and he sounded pissed. i know i have to control my temper if i want to survive in this industry.. but do i care that much? of course not. i just want to think about my vacation next two weeks. just need some days off so that i can rejuvenate and think clearly....

ohh.. last nite watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it was awesome. very meaningful. how can someone erase his memory just to forget all that he remembered about his girlfren? i don't think so... the feelings surely still be there. so, it is kinda pointless to try erasing it. coz in the end, you wouldn't have a clue on what is going on. not to mention the confusions...

so, how terrible the memories are... how sad it is... surely there will be some good memories.. maybe all of us should learn to embrace the good memories and try to throw again the bad ones. it is out of the norm, for sure. normally we tend to remember the not so good memories and forget the good ones...

yada.... yada... yada..... till later.

i only have 15 mins for this entry and then i'll go to check out cd.. want to get a new Kelly Clarkson album. i'm a sucker for lady singer cd... i rencently bought Dido, Mariah Carey and alicia Key's cd.. kelly clarkson just great and her songs just about right for my taste.. marah laki skit2 here and there...ehehhe

okla.. i thing i haven't been nice or actually has been terrible to matde all this time. i simply cannot say something good about him and even though i try to give a little credit like the last entry, i cannot help but to include some sacarstic remarks... so, this entry i'll dedicate to him...so bare with me folks coz this is like once in a lifetime thingy for me... and matde as i promised... no more bad stuff for you

i like matde because he knows how to treat me and it is suprising how he can make me laugh after i cried. he said romantic things without creeping me out and he can be soooo sweet sometimes i just want to hug him... ehehehe... ok.. dah muntah blum? he can bare with almost all perangai buruk aku easp when i simply want to be mad without reason... so.. all in all... i know i will not find a second matde anywhere in the world.

:)... we are not a couple not because i don't like him but because i strongly believe he is not ready for a committment. afterall, he is still studying and will take sometimes to figure out what he wants. but, kalau kawan baik pun bole bertunang in two week times, ini kan pula org yg pernah couple for almost 3 years... we'll just see what will happen..

i think i have some difficulties in differentiating an entry for everyone to read and also a diary... so, i think i should go easy with this blogger thingy... do not try to update anything suspicious... sometimes, i wrote something but other people misunderstand my point and stuff happened. i do not think this is good.

so... since most people do think that i know only the stuff that i am doing... and nothing else... i have nothing else to write but what i feel. or my experience... which normally is not good. there were good stuff but the bad ones never fail to overcome the good ones.

i haven't seen a movie, read a book, news paper, watch the news, hang out with frens... ermmm... my life has been reduced to go to sleep, drive my car off/to work, work and eat.... ermm... interesting... and my i have started to have a conversation with myself...

oohhh... just to straighten things out... when i refer to bastardo... i'm not referring to matde, i was referring to my first x. matde is my sec x and still is... he is not that bad a person even though he did behaved like a bastardo occasionally.... there's a lot of quality in him that can be admired... i was angry not with all men but only some of it easp who has hurt my frens intentionally. and they do not deserved to be loved or missed... and every single day, i pray to Allah that one day my first x will get what he deserved and he will realized that is because he has hurt me again and again...

ok... time to go home... peace...

wahahaha..... aku rasa teruk giler aku nyer entry last nite. sbb tu aku amend balik..... nantila aku buat entry baru. baru masuk office ni... kelaparan juga

dah lama tak tulis ni, so, payah skit nak start.

nothing new in my life... same old stuff... girl frens decieved by their boyfrens.... girl frens cried and get really hurt. i called the boifrens bastard and still refer to my x as little bastard. so, here we were talking about a bunch of bastaros. i cannot help but wonder, ramai gak rupanyer bastardo dalam dunia ni. sgt ramai... camner agaknyer bastardo2 ni bole ujud dlm dunia? is it because of the way they were brought up? did their mom treated them horribly till they just have to get back to the women they met later? ermmm... tapi malas la aku nak pikirkan pasal bastardo2 nih... buat sakit kepala aku jerk.

cried... how i cried... beleive or not. i am such a big crier... i cried over almost everything. when i feel sad, i cry, when i am too happy, i cry and when i'm confuse and don't know what to do.. i cry. when of course, certain someone lied.. and treat me like shit... i cry. will this tears ever stop pouring down? ever? i was watching sex and the city the whole season six last weekend. it was soo touching... and i cried. okla tu kan.. tapi camner aku bole nangis tgk spiderman 2? truk tul... 2 kali lak tu. kalau tgk industan... mmg takyah ckp la... sampai basah tudung aku ni ngelap air mata... mungkinkah juga aku ni seorg yg berhati halus? maybe.....

okla... dah pukul 7.... dah start menulis nih... sure esok ada lagik. tapi after 7 la plak kot.

it has been a stressful week... very stressful that i don't think i can even open up my eyes...
we had a very long department meeting. almost 2 hours... my concentration is only up to one hour. after that, i just pray that i can still think or follow the discussion. i have this prob since forever

in a conversation, u cannot talk for 10 mins straight because if u do and i start to look other than your face... there is a very high chance that i'm lost. easp if talking to the phone... after 10 mins the person on the other line bla2..... i will just have to ask the same quest again. sounds stupid aaa... maybe i am. ehehe

just realized how many people have a blog right now. I started my blog in 2002 i think. it was kind boring.. all i do was go to school, go home.. hang out... that's about it. nothing to write about.

now, i think i have more to say. i read more and listen less. bla2... aku ingat aku nak try tak update blog for 1 month la.. and tak check blog or whatever... try to live without this blogger thingy. it must be strange... well...how am i suppose to know how it feels if i never do it right? people always say that i am very optimistic. maybe i am. is it good to be too optimistic? i always believe in moderation. be moderate in whatever we do, in spending, eating or sleeping. okla.. i lied. i love to sleep. kalau cuti jer, aku akan tido the whole day. i'll wake up only to eat, pray and bathroom call... but how long can i do that? since i am single with no calon laki, i will have to "berusaha" and find a husband. and i still don't know cukup tak kalau aku cuma doa jer to get a husband but never physically try to find one. i am not physically attractive. most guys want someone yg demure, putih, nampak mcm mengikut kata... bla2.... if they meet someone yg outspoken, mesti taknak kan... ok, here's my dilemma, if i become too close a friend to a guy, he will think that i am too precious to loose, so.. there will be no chance of any relationship other than frens. but if i only see them once a week and keep a distance, i won't know him that well. how am i suppose to live with someone i barely know? how?

okla.. cukupla beta mengarut. penat dah sbnrnya nih. so... i'll update again in one month time. if i update earlier than that, means i cannot live with this blog... wahahahahahaha....

i am officially 25. 25 feels normal. feels a little bit old but still normal. i have gained a little weight. but that's ok coz still within my normal or acceptable weight.
i am a very poor dresser... so poor that one of the managers here told me to change my way of dressing. what the hell? she asked me to dress like a young people. try to be as flamboyant as i can be. i cannot understand why some people go out of their way to change people. to make people conform to something... why can't they make me be me. i feel comfortable with the way i'm dressing... i know it is not attractive nor appealing. and they start comparing me with the other girls here. damn la. kalau la dia tu bukan a manager that can have a say in my future, i will definitely say to her "this is why i leave my home in Klang and stay in KL.do u you want me to leave this place also?". ehehehe... sah2 la aku susah nak naik gaji krg.