in 2 days time, i'll be 25... i'm not going to fret on what i should do or not do coz i've done that before. i freaked out about a month ago when i realized that i'll turn 25 soon. but now i'm pretty much accept the fact that i will definitely be 25.

over 2004, i have some regrets and for 2005... some hopes... off course, i hope i could be a better and wiser girl. 2004 was all about break-ups, heartache, insecurities and bla2.... wish i don't have to go through it? maybe not, life would be pretty boring without the ups and downs... i don't think i can lead a monotanous life...

okla... hungry already. sleepy too. been working fucking hard these few days... i deserve a little rest. some dvd, a swim, and whatever it is...

dah lama aku x beli n baca paper. since dah jadi tsunami ni, hari2 aku baca perkembangan nyer. giler la.. was this the first time such things happened in Malaysia? All my life i believed that Malaysia is protected by most natural disasters. maybe that is not so true anymore. so, bawak2la bertaubat dari skrg yer tak?

when i was in Michigan, I took one econ class "Decision Making". We learnt how to make decisions, what factors affecting our decisions. I voluntereed in one study where we have to decide between two cases:

case 1:
you have food and can get safely to the destination to feed 100 people.

case 2:
you have food but it is not safe to get to 200 people.

which route will you choose? do you want to save 100 or 200 people? It is very hard. I'm not sure what I chose. But the point is, it is never easy to make a decision. Easp if it is something very vague like your future? Maybe at times like this it is wise to ask Allah make the decision for you. I truly beleive in prayer. You must pray and ask for HIS help. Afterall, this is Allah's world and we are only staying here for a while. one day we will leave this world. why worry so much about stuff. Just laid back and enjoy. Enjoy the little time we have on earth. if later on we faced a problem, take some times to grief, get back on your feet, find a solution and move on. that's what life all about. you fall... you get up again...

ui... bole jadi pakar perunding aku nih. maybe after aku abis kerja ngan pet, amik psychology class and jadi psychologist. ermm... interesting.

lately, aku spend aku nyer weekends to tgk baby, gi tgk member tunang, kahwin... you know.. seeing other people getting to the next phase of life... by the next year sure tgk baby member2 yg kawin this yr lak... uii... errmmm... my world is changing rapidly without me realizing it...

takla change sgt sbnrnya... mostly yg nak kawin ni pun my x-high school mate, x-budak2 asrama and x-primary school mate... cousin2 yg sebaya or younger... yg older suma dah kawin... even makcik aku yg paling lewat kawin pun dah kawin... so, next year... bila umur dah masuk 25... lagi few days jer tuh.. bole kira ngan jari dah... 7-8 days jer lagik... mesti aku akan dgr "so, jirah bila nak kawin? eer... jgn lambat2.. baik kawin skrg.. rugi tak kawin cepat2" agak2nyer kalau aku bagi penyepak sikit kat dia, ok tak? apa ingat aku sengaja ker buat gitu? tp karang kalau aku citer panjang lebar kang.. tak abis 3 hari 3 malam la pulak.

ermm.. baru dpt email dari aku nyer supplier. dia piss off skit sbb aku marah dia semalam. aku dah stress, dia pun dah stress... so.. apa lagi. kena hantar sorry card la camni.... flirt2 skit.. bagi sejuk hati dia skit... skali skala gaduh2 apa salahnyer. a little, harmless argument may streghthen a relationship what.....

ok, i shouldn't be doing this. kalau aku stay in the office until tonight pun i'm not going to finish my work... malas nyer la nak start. aku dah kemas meja... i do that everytime i feel like i don't want to do anything. every single things gone wrong right now. i think satu benda jer yg going smoothly. kat Tg. Sulong tgh load satu kapal yg dtg on time. itu jerla yg paling normal. yg lain suma gone crazy already. i was so stressed out yesterday i wonder why i still hairs on top of my head.

i am going crazy. what the hell i'm writing a blog when there's a million things to do? well... that's simple. although i have a to do list. i still cannot bring myself to really put the effort in doing them. malas la... malas... 10x

oohh... i got a pimple on my right cheek... lama dah tak tumbuh pimple kat situ. normally between the nose and lips or on the forehead. trasa pelik coz everytime i touch my face, trasa ada something is not right. ok2.. i should stop now. ramai lagi yg ada byk lagi pimple kat pipi dari aku.

last 2 nights watched a movie "Closer".. Natalie Portman berlakon jadi a stripper. she's a New Yorker and went to UK coz she was heart broken. in UK fell in love with a guy and guess what? she does not use her real name and after 4 years when the relationship simply does not work out, she left UK and went back to NY. It is very nice if I can do like that. go to a new place with a new name. if it does not work out. leave the place and identity. at least won't have to go to the places where you've been with the guy. easp when u are the one who has to stay and keep hearing that bla2 is bla2...and so on, so on... that sucks...
the tagline "if you fall in love on the first sight, you will never stop looking"

i am reading a book tilted "The Dirty Dozen". it's a military stuff... i know you would loved the book matde, that's why i never told you about it... eheheh... i want to read it first and since it's not mine, like hell i'm going to give it to you...

anyway, the book is about 12 soldiers that were condemned to the gallows... but someone in a the higher office wanted to use these men for invasion in someplace.. not too sure where.. the settings were during World War two..1944...it is very interesting and a page turner... i really really recommend this book.

i really cannot take coffe.. too much caffeine... my body just cannot accept it. mcm amik drugs lak rasa. not that i have taken any, i imagine jer.. tgn aku menggeletar, bdn trasa sejuk2 and i cannot think straight. at times like this when kerja menimbun2 terkena lak camni..

aku nyer lifestyle makin tak btul. before, due to never enough money around, aku tak minum soft drniks, junk food and stuff.. bole makan nasi and benda2 wajib jer... tapi skrg ni, mcm2 aku telan. byk duit la katakan... ehehe...

oo... just like to boost around.. i went to a sauna last friday and there was one lady that commented that i looked like a 19 year old... ehehe... bangga tu mmg takleh nak cakap la.. that nite, when i went out with bopi, i couldn't stop saying to him that i looked 19 sampai dia naik nyampah... but maybe without tudung baru nampak 19 kot... anyways, she just made my day... truly made my day. keh keh keh...

"All relationships end at some point -- some by break up or divorce, others by death. There are no guarantees in life and there are none in love. Amazingly, every time you love, you take a chance of being hurt or left, and yet we still yearn to love. This is because we inherently know that there is no greater joy then being in love. Remember all of the times you have gotten hurt in love already. You are still intact, all parts attached, functioning. You survived. If you fall in love, you will probably have to survive a loss of some sort again. But isn't it worth it? "

plus, as quoted by Tony Parson "if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster"

it is amazing how i have healed by now... i mean you should see me on sunday last 2 weeks. i look liked i could just kill myself. the first time, i took about a few months, the sec time about few weeks and the third time about few days... and fyi, this is done by the same guy...

the problem was, when i healed, i forgot... when i forgot and he comes back into my life, i will off course, accept him back easpecially when i am single... such a believer like myself always have a romantic ideas about love.. we put too much faith in people. we have no reason to hurt people, thus we think they won't hurt us too. so, we fall in love as easily as changing our clothes... we trust and believe and put our heart on his platter... and slowly... they slice it little by little and sprinkle some lemon juices to add some flavor and drop it nicely on the floor before finally trampled it with their big ugly legs... kalau nak luka kan tu... luka kanla habis-habisan kan...

to fall in love is something that i always wanted to feel. it is the best feeling in the world... it makes me smile and smile... and smile.....

baru jer abis meeting. giler banyak meeting aku skrg ni. is this good or bad?

in Petronas, since it is very big, you really have to look not only at your small division before making decisions. you need to evaluate in total. say if you need to ask people to shoulder your loss. you need to really study and look, if by shouldering your loss, is it a real loss compared to others? i might loose 10 dollars when they might loose 100 dollars... if you simply jump and shoot , then mampusla kena sembelih krg. and i am not a somebody yet. The "somebody" here really knows how to twist your words so that you will look very insignificant and stupid. you must be really careful not to cross this kind of people.

there's a lot of things that i learn during my months in petronas. easp since aku masuk ni, ada jer problem.... mcm pembawa masalah lak aku nih. one is try to think like a guy (almost all colleagues are guys). when discussing an issue, try not to be emotional, be objective, careful in wording your sentences, do not protray yourself as desperate or unprofessional. look at the issues in a bigger prospectives... i.e for the greater good for petornas. if all fails, everyone will use that words.

well... sbnrnya, aku selalu jugak loose my temper when talking to my supplier or customer. kalau time2 tgh PMS tuh. ada lak yg buat hal.. saja jer la tu kan. dptla a piece of my mind. sian diorg... ada yg sampai kena buang kerja. cheh... trasa mcm power jerkk...

alright... time to stop working for a little bit and eat.

watched Ocean Twelve last night. it was simple and nice to watch... takderla terkejut2... it was like watching a hindustan movie where you just sit back and relax. of course it needs to be simple.. just imagine how much is the cost to bring each cast in easp people like julia roberts and brad pitt. She is the most expensive actress in US. I think she still is...

I adore her... i'll watch any movies that she's in... a movie will be a good movie if there is a good actor in it. Like Nicole Kidman, even though she starred in a stupid movie called Stepford Wives, i still think it is a good movie.. the storyline was very simple... but she knows how to make it a good movie...

Movies I've watched lately:
1.Bride and Prejudice: pls do not watch this movies, you will feel like killing yourself by the end of the movie. It protrays India as a country that only knows how to dance and sing and finding a husband...

2. Veer-a-Zaara: i like it.. coz there's shah rukh khan... he is just awesome.

3. Incredibles: Must watch cartoon... sapa2 nak blanja aku tgk lagi.. please do so

4. Alexander: first movie i watched alone.. with no feelings... so... not too sure whether it's good or not. and colin ferrel is not as pretty as brad pitt...

5. Ocean Twelve: just awesome.. i like it..

tak byk sgt options kat mesia ni... movie yg sampai dahla lambat... tak byk lak tuh... i missed the days when i go to movies there always like 15-20 movies to choose from not 2-3.

in an attempt of procastination... aku gi tgk next year nyer cuti... tak byk sgt cuti... ada a few jer cuti panjang2. since aku ada byk giler lagi tmpt kat mesia ni yg aku tak explore. aku ingat aku nak gi la sementara tgh single nih. nanti kalau dah ada laki, byk songeh la pulak kan.

and i have decided to get marry a little late... maybe after 29 or 28. getting married ni not an easy thing. nak kena jaga hati banyak org. which is tiring... biasala tuh, kalau dah takder yg sudi kat aku, terpaksala ada mind set camtu. tak gitu kawan2? ehehehe

anyways, places i'm yet to visit:
1. Langkawi
2. Pulau Kapas
3. Pulau Perhentian: is this a pulau?
4. Pulau Pinang:
actually aku cuma pernah visit pulau pangkor jer. so... aku akan pegi ke semua pulau2 yg ada... i'm sure byk lagi tuh...
5. Sabah/Sarawak.

as of now, itu jer kot ambition aku... ermm.. rasa cam nak gi switzerland (betul ker tmpt ko ni nazim?) aku pun tak ingat... ehehe... bole yer... aku beli tix kpl terbang jer.. lain ko blanja bole?

so, sapa2 nak gi travel tuh, ajak2 la aku...

aku bz giler skrg nih.... bz2 pun sempat gak aku update aku nyer blog la kan... ehehee.. ok, tak kelakar.

sbnrnya byk lagi benda2 yg aku tak experience dalam idup ni and i cannot say that i can understand a lot of what people are experiencing because i just never have to face it. like, i cannot say that i know how it feels to live in a broken family because my family is just fine. i cannot say i know how it feels to lost a child because i never have one, to lost a parent coz i still have both parents, to never know your father/mother coz i still have them and bla2.. the list can be very long here. it is very unfair to me to say i know how they feel when i never have to experience it. you could never be prepared for these stuff.

but i know how it feels to be dumped, to fail in an exam, PMS, to lost a friend over trivial stuff, to know that i am not wanted, to listen to my friends how great their boyfriends are when they are well aware that my boyfriends sucks... and also... the list can be very long here...so, i just gonna cut it short.

when i look back (see, i told you, my life is anchored by my past), i still have a long way to go in my life.. there's a lot more stuff that i never experienced or encounter... so, it's time to just put everything behind and live. like always....

ehehe... i was too emotional yesterday... not too sure why i was so angry. Early PMS kot.. you know the time of the month when you think everything is wrong... ehehehe

anyways, it was a beautiful morning. not too hot and not too cold. traffic was good also. it's gonna be like this until next year... best2...

i am reading a book by Tony Parson recently. It is about a guy who get so fucked up, he lost everything almost overnight. so, i'm reading about relationship through the eyes of a guy. which is very rare. normally guys are more comfortable writing about wars, fights, twisted story lines but not about feelings... all in all.. it was a good read. and actually still is.

when i was having dinner with my customer yesterday, we were talking about the year we were born... my customer was born in '71, one trader in '74, another trader in '72... and i'm in '80.. they were shocked.. coz they never work with someone that born in '80s.. almost like from another era... glad i'm still young... i am young... don't i... eheheh.. eventhough i born about 3 months late. by right i should born in October '79.... but maybe i just reluctant to face the world.. so, i stayed another 3 months inside my mom. it must be very cozy....

okla... i hope this entry will soften a bit on my yesterday's entry...

ermm.... ok... ok?

I think my life was anchored by my past (inspired by Kerry Bradshaw as in Sex and the City) and what's worse is that i always fear my future. I fear a lot of things.. or as matde used to say, why do i have to think too much? cool it..

so, I think i need to change my perspective of life.. that is, to just live for today. I do not want to care what the future will hold. why... why must I even care even about the past? what good will it do? mostly painful anyway. Even though ada yg sweet.. in the end it will lead to the painful events.. a very painful one. Argghhh... looks like i'm abusing myself. tak sudah2 menyakitkan hati sendiri.

I wanted to think like a man. most of them have no regrets of what they did. they went out with other girls even though they have someone and saw nothing wrong with it. I am yet to meet a guy who cares enough not to go out with other girl whenever the opportunity arises. even when he is about to get married, he can say to me that he is just engaged and not too sure whether it will end up in marriage. what the fuck was he talking about? does he has any compassion on his poor tunang/girlfriend? There should be some sort of police to arrest these assholes. put them somewhere.. these people are dangerous... detrimental to the mental health of other girls... but wait... most police are men... so, what do they care? as long as they got what they need.. why care about the girl they hurt. she'll live through it they said... like hell we do.

stupid stupid men. my heart goes to girls being dumped or duped by these stupid men. i have become a bitter person.. very bitter. that's ok, i blame it on those guys who treated me like i'm a piece of shit. who have promised sweet things to me but never meant it. told me lies.... i wishh (too censored already).

fuhhh.... puas hati aku.

ermm.... ok... ok?

I think my life was anchored by my past (inspired by Kerry Bradshaw as in Sex and the City) and what's worse is that i always fear my future. I fear a lot of things.. or as matde used to say, why do i have to think too much? cool it..

so, I think i need to change my perspective of life.. that is, to just live for today. I do not want to care what the future will hold. why... why must I even care even about the past? what good will it do? mostly painful anyway. Even though ada yg sweet.. in the end it will lead to the painful events.. a very painful one. Argghhh... looks like i'm abusing myself. tak sudah2 menyakitkan hati sendiri.

I wanted to think like a man. most of them have no regrets of what they did. they went out with other girls even though they have someone and saw nothing wrong with it. I am yet to meet a guy who cares enough not to go out with other girl whenever the opportunity arises. even when he is about to get married, he can say to me that he is just engaged and not too sure whether it will end up in marriage. what the fuck was he talking about? does he has any compassion on his poor tunang/girlfriend? There should be some sort of police to arrest these assholes. put them somewhere.. these people are dangerous... detrimental to the mental health of other girls... but wait... most police are men... so, what do they care? as long as they got what they need.. why care about the girl they hurt. she'll live through it they said... like hell we do.

stupid stupid men. my heart goes to girls being dumped or duped by these stupid men. i have become a bitter person.. very bitter. that's ok, i blame it on those guys who treated me like i'm a piece of shit. who have promised sweet things to me but never meant it. told me lies.... i wishh (too censored already).

fuhhh.... puas hati aku.