i think as we grow older, we actually know what to do when tested with a situation. most of the time, we know the solution to our problem. the only question is whether we brave enough to do it. have guts to face the consequences.... whatever that might be. Uncertanties plays a huge role in making a decision. like uncertainties in Iraq and Russia has increased crude oil prices to it's all time high... bila crude oil price increase, then everything else will increase.... ok, put that aside.

i seriously do think that it's true... even at this moment i am still comtemplating on a decision that i might regret later but do i have a gut to do it? i myself do not know. i know what i have to do for the longest time.. and i can't let myself live like this any longer. what has passed... has passed. there is no point on thinking what if because there is no way we can turn the clock back. today is the result of yesterday. If today is still worst than yesterday why we linger on yesterday and hoping that somehow things will magically turn out ok? okla... aku dah melalut sgt dah nih. obviously i have too much time on hand...

so... i have made my mind to buy a kelisa (limited-top hitam and body kuning). i will take 5 years loan. after all, tahun depan gaji naik. apala sgt kalau aku kena bayar lbh 100/month... i will just cut my parents allowance until gaji naik next year..

after 7 months doing this trading job, i feel that i'm more at ease to make decisions now and we do have to make a lot of decisions around here. kalau setakat rugi 1,2 ribu USD takper lagi as long as tak rugi lbh. but this truly a good experience for me. I think kalau aku tak kat sini, where everyone punya job depends on me then maybe i wouldn't develope as much.... nak illustrate how important my job is (ehehe.... nak bangga sikit ni):
1. once a yr, traders will make a contract with customers, then after that, aku la yg susun how much LPG can be lifted every month. we have about 6-7 term customers
2. traders will find out from me how is the stock.... whether ada more LPG to sell... aku kena always keep in mind and plan so that tak terkurang and terlebih cargo. kalau byk sgt cargo, i will instruct the traders to sell some of it.
3. then kena make sure mana2 kapal yg nak masuk malaysian port kena dah clear with maritime... if not, takleh lift... aku dah terkena byk kali giler la pasal ni. sometimes, over the weekend pun aku kena uruskan.
4. kalau hantar kapal ke other ports in the world, i will have to make sure the kpl discharge accordingly. kdg2 kapal accident ker, kapal rosak ker, i have to investigate and decide what to do. of course, kalau tak tau nak buat apa boleh refer to the boss.. boss2 ni bukannyer tau nak buat apa pun... most of the time la...
5. kena in contact with refineries and gas plants to coordinate their cargo. sometimes refineries or gas plants tripped, then takder cargo... aku la yg kena bagitau customer... negotiate with them. aku nyer supplier Kerteh Refinery, PGB, MLNG and Melaka Refinery.
6. make sure that all documents(pre and post load) in order. aku ada 2 assistants to help me out on this.
7. also, have to do report on the stuff that going on, why sometimes have more to sell but sometimes less, if the kpl need to wait or load longer... claim and bla2

this about sums my job up description. that's why org yg buat operation takleh tua2... takut cannot take the pressure.. kdg2 nak nangis buat kerja. tp almost all traders will have to go through this thing.. so no sweat la.. kalau org boleh buat, then aku pun surely boleh buat. cuma since i'm doing two peoples job right now, tak byk sgt masa to find out about the market. hopefully next month bole coz nampak mcm dah ok jer... and FYI, aku ckp mcm tu every single month and every single month ada jer something came up that prevent me to learn more about the market.

anyway, to my good friend (u know who u are), be strong ok.... live is too short to cry over things too long .as corny as it sounds.... time will indeed heals all wounds and its true. all u have to do is try to live again....

skrg ni dah ramai batch aku and matde yg start kerja with petronas.. so, more familiar faces around. aku even jumpa shikin last week. and surprisingly ramai yg baca blog aku, hence ramai yg tanya how's philippines. ehehe.. with this, aku rasa takleh dah nak kutuk2 matde slalu. well.. at least kalau nak kutuk, cuma bila aku tgh tensi giler or when he becomes tooo crappy (bila agaknyer tak yer?), talking about crappiness... how many crappy guys have u met? as for me, i think i have met enough.... kindly find the true story below:

crappy guy #1.
guy: jirah, rindula, lama tak jumpa. x dtg jumpa jirah kat kl la 2 minggu lagi.
jirah: ok, let me know bila dah sampai.
lagi 3 hari to the day he supposed to arrive and he never called back
jirah: x, jadi tak dtg?
guy: alamak... sorry la jirah, lupa. ingatkan bulan dpn
what the hell?

crappy guy #2
jirah: y, kisah tak kalau aku kuar ngan z?
guy: tak... langsung tak.
few weeks after that
guy: kenapa tak ajak aku sekali ari tuh masa ko kuar ngan z?
jirah: aik... aritu kata tak kisah...
bla2.... apa agaknyer aku patut rasa?

crappy guy #3
guy: lama tak jumpa ko la jirah, dah taknak kuar ngan aku ker?
jirah: bole jer, next week aku free. call la..
isnin, selasa, rabu, khamis, jumaat........tak call pun?

crappy guy #4
guy: lama tak dgr brita, weekend ni aku g kl, jom jumpa
2, 3 weekend lepas tuh
jirah: kata nak dtg, what happened?
guy: sorryla, tak jadi... bla2
ermmm.... tooo familiar already

crappy guy #5
guy: rindu kat u la. jom jumpa, ahad ni i free
hari ahad:
guy: hari ni takleh, nak kena hantar adik ke bla2. call me next week
dahla kensel gitu2 jer, pastu suruh aku call. then call la 10 kali, tak pernah di angkat.
guy: sorry, phone takder bateri, bla2. jumpa u ahad dpn
hari ahad:
guy: sorry, i penat la sbb main bola tadi. call me next week, i go to your house
the next week
guy: sorry, i takder duit, tunggu i ada duit. ahad dpn mesti i boleh dtg, sbb adik i bla2
hari ahad:
guy: sorry, takleh nak dtg sbb adik bla2....
kalau taknak jumpa aku, aku seriously tak kisah, ramai jer yg nak kat aku ni. takyahla layan aku like shit.

citer2 di atas bukanla rekaan semata2.. betapa insensitive nyer diorg ni. melukakan aku berkali2... apa ingat aku ni tunggul kayu ker? kalau dah janji cubala tunaikan.

friday is finally here. as i told a friend of mine. Monday would pass very quickly, so as tuesday, wednesday will pass a little bit slow and thursday slower but friday will pass very2 quickly.... so... you wouldn't even feel that a week has passed. ermm.. i really cannot imagine living like this for the next 10 yrs... so, i will work my ass of until i finally got married. god knows when that would be. and hopefully will get a husband that financially stable so that i can stay at home and do something relaxing. jadi florist ker... apa2 jerla yg tak require 90% of my time.

this morning a friend of mine told a story about Buddhism... the stories from their holy book. I don't dare telling it again coz i just couldn't. All i can say is that after listening all the stories, the only conclusion that i could come up is that these stories were written down by humans to justify their actions. As the one that are permitted to write it down is someone from the highest "kasta". If you read book about Pakistan (was once under India) you would see the injustice from the lords. but since aku cuma baru baca satu buku jer... tak brani la nak elaborate byk2.

dah selamat sampai kat office semalam. the trip to Philippines was great. tak gi mana2 sgt. just stayed over kat Shangrila. the only place i was at was manila. being a girl n pakai tudung is not very convenient. every night after dinner, mesti the guys will sent me home and they off to someplace else... pegi mana lagi la kan. mesti ke strip club of some sort. so... next time if i marry someone in the bussiness i know where they off to at night kalau outstation. we travel extensively. for me, not now coz still very new but two three years in the bussiness, one week will be at japan, then the next might be korea.....bla2... the point is, kena join frequent flyer prog... kalau tak... rugi.

Manila is very crowded. aku bole samakan ngan klang even, mostly guna foreigner cars.... big, big cars.. so, jln pun jadi sempit giler. according to my colleague, kat manila jer camtu... most of philippines takder pun nice highway... outstation ni sbnrnya lagi penat dari kerja biasa sbb dari pagi sampai ke malam "bekerja". dinner and lunch.... bagi aku entertaining people is very tiring... so... extra penat la...

i have make my mind to buy a new car. last week almost got heart attack when my car cannot get started. the engine was not very good. the fact that my house is at the top of the hill doesn't help at all. aku rasa sbb tula keter aku semput. so... by next month i'm going to get a new car. kelisa jerla tp. cannot afford more expensive one.

nothing much to do today. will be travelling to Manila for the first time on wednesday. this would be my first business trip ever. singapore pun tak pernah gi lagi.. selalunyer org start with singapore first.

anyway, i'm reading "My feudal lord" by tehmina Durrani. Blaja la sikit2 pasal pakistani's politics. tapi semuanyer during 1960s-1980s... so, takleh nak relate sgt, time Bhutto in office... not sure sapa PM dia skrg. anyways, the story is about her life and her husband's. giler sadistic mamat tuh. selalu pukul the wife. depress sikit baca. scary... u know, masa bercinta beriya2, last2 bila dah dpt di sepak terajang nyer minah tu. maybe after this, carik buku pasal pakistan nowadays, pasal osama ker...

i don't understand malay guys.... aku selalu tgk my sisters... how busy they are, diorg mesti bagi makan anak, temankan laki diorg makan, etc etc... etc.... and the laki, just duduk dpn tv and do nothing. what the hell... tak kesian langsung... mmgla si isteri kena jaga hati suami... tapi suami takyah buat apa2 ker? takyah tolong and takyah ringankan beban isteri? sama2 kuar carik kerja, sama2 balik rumah pukul 5. suami balik, duduk terus depan tv. isteri balik, masak, uruskan anak and suami... isk2.... i always pointed out this to the people i dated, just to see the responses. and they don't really like the topic... come on la... guys lagi byk energy and all, ringan2kan la tulang kan... by the end of the day, the wives gak yg muka manis... and everyone will be happy... ya?

lately nih, almost all my sentence will ended up with YA... mcm gee lak... Malaysian Idol is getting better... mmg voice quality beza giler dari akademi fantasia... even the horrible saiful pun dah makin ok. OKla... need to go home at 6 today... so better start doing something useful YA.

watched PGL last friday. movie was ok.. at least when it is produced by malaysian. wayang pun penuh. i got not so good reviews from my frens about the movie. but again, i don't think the movie is that bad compared to other malaysian movies. kalau nak compare to other international movies, mmgla kan. cuma i think masih bole dpt sambutan internationally coz the movie penuh ngan culture. so, all in all, i think the movie is a very good attempt.

aku dah start suka baca NST skrg... it's not as big as before and lots of reviews about stuff. bila baca facts jer aku normally tidur. it is more interesting to read about what other people thinks about the things happening. In my view, there are 2 major things yg happened recently, anwar is free and russian hostage. giler... 1,200 people , mostly children were taken hostage. this just shows how desperate the terrorist are to resort to harm children. and of course, unrest kat Iraq yg most probably ensure high price for crude oil and consequently high price for other petroleum products. when i think about it, it's really ironic... most muslims countries are blessed with oil and muslims gak yg jadi terrorist, buat terror sana sini sampai menaikkan harga minyak... thus, makin kaya la sheik2 minyak ni... so, mcm ada conspiracy lak. maybe we'll read about it the next 20 yrs...