i don't know whether it was Sex And The City, my PMS or Pink songs that makes me think back about my life. I always think about everything in my life before jumping into anything... except of course, relationship... that one i always messed up like choosing the wrong guy, falling for someone that is never interested with me or very flirty to the point that i don't know whether he is honest or not. i even loose a friend because he was so flirty with me and one day i was soo sick of it and scolded him. our friendship was never the same again...

anyways, i really need to sit down and face my fears. i always pushed back everything and not thinking. it works pretty well until now. i think i'm in denial and its eating my heart out. i hate it when suddenly i feel so depressed (even though it's due to PMS) for no reason at all. it makes me think... of what i want in life. do i want this? do i want to always make compromises? to make everyone happy no matter what it does to me? maybe i should make the trip to penang.. maybe i should go alone... being alone.. it is the scariest thing ever.. and this toothache is not helping at all. dah 3 hari aku sakit gigi. and after this kena sakit perut lak.. can i stop complaining now?

u know what, i think the solution to my woes is very simple. it goes something like this..
1) go see dentist
2) buy menstrual pill
3) sleep more than 4-5 hrs a day
4) refrain myself from watching SATC and read romances books.. it really gives you ideas...
5) swim and lay by the pool for the whole evening.. errrmmm interesting.. hope someone like Luke(as in Gilmore Girls) will show up

this is my new fav song by Pink... she is very inspirational.

Waiting For Love

She looks to the sun
Help her to carry on
Braking down all the years
Wondering how she got here
She drifts through the sky
Counting the reasons why
How my life turned so fast
Remembering all of the past

All the changes, and all the mistakes
Foolishly laughing at things that
Words that she says

She looks to the stars
Breaking, time to follow the heart
Her world is falling apart

And the turning of every new page
A book on a shelf that is there to remain
Breaking the walls as she's tearing them down
A she is starting to drown

She's waiting for love
She's waiting, waiting for love
Waiting, waiting for love
She's waiting, waiting so long

She prays to the Gods
Telling how she needs someone
Help me find where I am today
Life is looking very grey

All the changes, all the mistakes
Foolishly laughing at things that
Everything that she says

I'm waiting for a new day to rise
COnversations to make sense to me and my mind
I need someone to lift me right off of my feet
And I want it, and I need it, and I'll leave it all behind

And all the changes I've made
And I remember the words, that you'll never say

She looks to the sun

my tooth hurts, my stomach cramps, my head aches, i'm hungry, terribly sleepy, tired, couldn't even open my eyes... and i'm still in the office waiting for a stupid fax from Middle East to come in so that my customer from Singapore wouldn't hassle me for it. not too mention that i'm pms-ing right now. since i was tooo angry and need to vent my anger, i have scolded one manager from one company... and yessss... at times like this i can be the most difficult girl in the world. why ooooo why?????

have to go out and meet yann tonite.. meaning more driving. dammit. i need to slow down..

watched 2 gilmore girls and 7 sex and the city (satc) last night... even though i ended up sleeping at around 2.30 am.. i think it's worth it.. satc is not just about the sex life of 4 women.. its more about life and how one see/struggle through it. i hope i can be like carrie. she's strong, resilient, love her man tremendously and very good with words. she has a very wierd sense of fashion... how could she dress like that? but if i have a body like her i might dress like her too. not too fancy with shoes though. how can someone bought a very uncomfortable 400++ shoes?

and if i'm a mother, i want to be like lorely(not sure bout the spelling). i want to always be there for my daughter. she would drop everthing the second her daughter needs her. she's very independant, likeable, funny, very good to people.. got to admire that. maybe need to tone down on the sarcasm... cannot wait to see her with the hot luke. i just love guys like luke.. cool, a little beardy, laid back...anyhow,i just love the theme song

if you're on the road
feeling lonely and soo cold
all you need to do is call my name
and i'll be there on the next train
when u leave
i will follow everywhere
if u want me too...

aaahhh... sooo sweeettttt... wish i have a mother like that. but if i do, i won't be able to stand on my own two feet. wouln't survive that horrible hostel/school and the lonelines at Michigan. yeah... that's why i don't miss umich that much. i tend to remember the loneliness and tears.

last but not least... pink's new album. Try this. i listen to it everyday... plus, one song that's very2 suitable to be dedicated to my special someone. maybe if i'm unstable enuff i'll post it here. just for fun... already... spent too much time on this post already... gtg.. wbb tomorrow

monday just sucks.... ngantuk giler. so, just gonna hit surau and take a nap after this.

things i found out last weekend:
1) cheesy wedges-god... this thing is sooooo good that i have to get it again

2) rings-if u want to propose, make sure the ring is suitable, applicable to guys only kot.

3) Vin Diesel is sooo hot. watched chronicles of riddicks with my sis just because she wanted to watch a movie and yg lain suma dah fully booked/sold out. the movie is not too bad.. yela.. since i think that guy is hot kan

4) balls-cannot elaborate more... u guys need to watched sex and the city yourself series 410. ehehehe...

5) and i can do sommersault under water tooo...

6) luke in gilmore girls also hot. ehehehe... got the cds now and gonna watch it all week long. with sex and the city plus gilmore girls, i think night club has to wait....

enuff la kot for a week..

went to bentong last sunday. it was a blast... bila nak sampai jer... tersengih2 aku.. tak sabar nak mandi kat sungai la katakan... ehehehe... since i'm not sure i can cook for the trip, aku beli jerla roti and tuna. bole la pulak tertinggal tuna tu. tension tul. so, yesterday aku i was on bread diet. and terpaksa masak scramble egg yg power2 sikit so that aku and all the gang boleh makan. eheheh... sempat gak aku memuji diri sendiri tuh. tapi takper, mey(cousin judd) dah mengconfirmkan yg my scramble egg tu ok. aku anggap jerla comment dia tu ikhlas...

i really need to have a hobby right now. so, this is a list that i want to do:
1) learn how to dance - so that i can go to clubs and dance.. meliarkan diri sekejap
2) learn how to make-up - so that i can go to the clubs looks like a matured lady, not 18 yrs old. got that from a lot from people lately
3) go get new frens - so that i can get a new boyfriend asap
4) travel to as many places as i can
5) ajak mey gi mandi sungai
6) go to penang.....

ngantuks nih. malas tul nak keje.. esok cuti... yey!!!! and i might get a new tv. not really newla at least i hope it will be better than the one that we have at home. maybe balik rumah jap malam ni coz i wanted to get some rest hari sabtu.

planned to go to bentong this sunday with bunch of freinds... might be meeting new frens coz mey is going to bring along his friends. coolll... finally, after one month kata nak gi, kitorg akan sampai gak ke bentong. maybe the next week bole gi genting lak.

also, hoping to go skating with boro. aku sure tak berapa selesa skating coz tak brapa pandai. like boro, i too need to sort out some stuff in my life. ie.. my roooommmmmmm... i need to mop it, make it better... i need a bed. so that i can push everything under it. takla menyemak depan mata jer...

Possession

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
your words keep me alive,

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied,

-by Sarah Mclachlan....

one of my fav songs...

we do different stuff for different reasons... so.. what am i talking about? i myself don't know.. so, i will just go take a nap now...

at first i thought i don't have time to read papers... but the fact is that i don't like to read papers.. papers is too depressing... too many bad and awful news..i prefer magazines or novels. at this moment, i love romance novels. maybe will change later after i got tired of it. love cleo mag. dulu tak layan langsung the mag sbb too cheesy. don't know why tiba2 tersuka lak... the issues just struck straight to the heart.

ntah camner, masa aku baca mag tuh, aku terpk pasal.. what if i'm already married... after got back from work and swim, i'm very tired that all i want to do just rest and do nothing. and the husband ni jenis yg nak everything in the house in order. so, kita yg penat2 ni kenala buat air utk dia, gosokkan baju, kemas2 rumah... i might do it but with hati yg agak meradang. and tak ikhlas... and later on jadi hangin. why is it malay men so insensitive... most of the time they want to be treated like a king when they treated their wives like shit. and this is actually happening in real life not from some mag or novels i read.

i think this insecurity about future is eating me alive. kalau nak diikutkan... pasal dunia, dah almost ok.. cuma tinggal cari laki utk kawin jer.pasal akhirat tu i have a veryyyy longgg way to go... need to improve a lot in that department.

have been staying up late for these last few days... mak aku pun dah marah giler coz being the honest me, i just told that i went home late these last three days. hence, couldn't get out of the bed until 6.00 pm... bila aku rasa dia dah tak membebel2 dah, aku pun bergerak la balik.

anyways, that's not the point. actually, i would like to write about my three year old niece Mohd Hafiz Ansari. i like three year old kid coz they give more attention to me. bila aku "bersolek" (i.e pakai moisturizer and bedak) mesti dia join, and dia pun pakai sama... semua benda dia nak cuba, lip balm, losyen tangan, perfum... and aku mesti kasi dia guna.. hope not to spoil the child.. but who cares... he is sooooo cute.... it is amazing and also amusing to see how they try to learn alot of stuff at this age.. aku bagi dia kunci keter so that dia boleh kunci pintu, try masukkan kunci dlm keter... bercalar2 la sikit keter aku.. tapi takper... my car dah buruk pun. yg paling menyayat kan hati masa aku nak balik semalam. dia ber iyer2 nak ikut.. siap turun ngan aku and ckp berulang2 kali nak ikut aku... bukak pintu keter sendiri lak tuh. keter kat belakang, so bila aku sampai depan rumah, kakak aku amik dia.. dia pegang baju aku kuat2 and nangis kuat2.. trasa nak nangis lak aku. cannot imagine if i have to do that to my own child... sure berjurai2 air mata... all in all, i think i miss him sooo...

i used to be very close to his big brother... tapi since dia dah bsr (5 tahun) and dah ada kwn.. takder la dia bagi attention kat aku. sure aku sedih bila hafiz ni dah bsr... isk isk isk..

baru abis baca blog judd. i think this is the first time aku baca entry dia word by word. he is soo good at giving baby names.. kalau aku mmg gagal giler. nama yg paling aku suka is amirun solihin.. lembut kan nama. itu nama abg Hafiz. bila budak tu nakal2 sikit, aku panggil dia solihin... and budak2 ni mmg blaja dari kita. bila aku nak ckp ngan dia, aku panggil dia and dudukkan atas riba aku, usap2 kepala dia and ckp yg aku tak suka dia buat camtu. and last sunday, dia nak sword dia dari hafiz. dia panggil hafiz, letak kepala hafiz kat peha dia.. and ckp slow2 yg sword tu dia punya.. ishhh, terharu aku... dlm kekasaran aku ni... ada gak sifat keibuaan.... rrrrr... ehehehe...

ok... cukupla aku membuang masa... BOSS takder until TOMORROW.... YEAYYYYYYY.....

hari ni petronas cuti... and i'm in the office. rasa ridiculous giler.. camnerla aku boleh kena ada kat office ni.

i'm reading another book right now. actually have been reading it more than three times already but since the story is too sweeet and too good to be true i just have to read it again and again.

well, it is about two people that born and die at the same time and day. they are one soul with two bodies... itula namanyer soulmate kot.. anyhow. both of them cannot be seperated. buat semua benda sama2 bla2...and something happened along the way... tapi last2 they got back together and live happily ever after... napa aku suka baca buku cheesy camni? aku pun tak tau. tapi after aku abis baca buku ni aku nak beli buku "summerhouse". hopefully will be as good. buku is tax deductable.. so, kena simpan resit so that boleh deduct from my tax next yr.

now i have to wait to answer one more question yg diorg ada.. damn la.. hopefully boleh dpt answer tu cepat2. aku nak pegi beli tix harry potter. krg sure abis.

Today is Rush's birthday, cuma mampu hadiahkan birthday cake to her.. hope she is enjoying it....

had a great time with frens last nite. what else do u do when u r still single right? anyways, i found out one very shocking news last nite and until this moment i was still depressed by it. that news just confirm my idiocy when it comes to relationship.

why do i always end up in a very bad relationship? the only person that i can blame is ME. those bastards (my x-bfs) are selfish people who never thinks about me. aku jerla yg terhegeh2, terisau2 padahal bila aku takder kat sebelah diorg, diorg gi bersuka ria ngan pompuan lain. jadi pompuan2 di luar sana... jgnlah jadi seperti aku yg bodoh ini. kalau bf korg tu ada gaya2 gatal yg terlampau, berjaga2 la... jgnla stay with that person just because u think he can change his kegatalan... i hope that would be the last time aku terkena camni. enough is enough...

ermmm.... today in general is great. no crazy customer wants to change anything. no traffic jem. i woke up like 7.45 and went out by 8.30 and got to my office by 9.05.. have to walk like 15 mins from parking lot to office maaaa...

okla, since aku trasa sgt malas nak buat kerja, aku nak let the whole world knows (more like who ever visits this web) of who i think i am.

i am such a lazy2 person... i hate to cook but i love to bake cakes. i say anything that comes out of my head easp to those that i'm close to be it bad or good. sometimes people say it ignorance but some people take it as honesty. currently i'm not seeing anyone in particular but looking. no longer having a boyfriend by choice...i have great girlfriends that i can't live without. they are just awesone. family never been better even though i haven't seen one of my sisters since raya lepas.. damn.. how is she haa?.

ermm.. bosanla.. aku pun takder benda best nak letak. anyways... now u know more about me right...?
enuff crap.. i know... always crap.. that's why we have this blog. so that we can write whatever we want. freedom la katakan.

Saja jer nak quote Sarah McLachlan's song:
"doesn't mean much
doesn't mean anything at all
the life i left behind me is a cold room"

itu jer yg aku ingat... nantila aku update lagi...i hear her cd "mirrorball" almost everyday.. tak pernah bosan pun. aku tau leman suka dia gak and judd takleh trima lagu2 tuh.. boro n rush doesn't mind listening... like they have a choice... ehehe..

okla.. i'm out... peace... <>