aku ni tergolong dalam category perempuan2 yg sgt suka berfikir. aku sgt suka berfikir benda2 yg bukan2 sampai sakit kepala aku. masa aku kecik, aku kena gi sekolah naik basikal dalam 10-15 minit camtu sbb aku lembab and aku sorg pompuan kat kawasn rumah aku, aku kena naik basikal sorg2. bila dah sorg2 tu, mcm2 la aku fikir. aku rasa dari situla aku mula dpt habit aku nih.

berfikir yang bukan2 ni memenatkan. dan membuatkan kita tak efficient. contohnyer, kalau aku byk fikir di malam hari, aku susah nak tido and akan bangun lambat. pastu bila dah bangun, aku sambung balik benda yg aku fikirkan. bila dah sampai office, kepala aku dah pusing and tak dpt nak selesaikan problem2 kat office. keja aku kat office ni menyelesaikan masalah jer. takpun cuba larikan diri dari masalah... so skrg ni aku kadang kala diserang migrain. so, i have decided not to think anymore... at least not the one worth thinking about or the one that i cannot do anything about. like why matde still dont want to marry me eventhough we are engaged for almost 1 and half yr, why i still cannot bring myself to see my x without remorse...

all i want to do now is learn how to spend my money wisely or not

bulan posa adalah bulan yg paling best kat tmpt kerja aku. bole balik kul 4 and almost every day aku balik pukul 4.

aku nak balik... dah takder benda nak buat and takder mood gak ni. tapi colleague aku suruh tunggu la pulak. siot tul la... malasssss

i'm at Bintulu... hari ni nak balik. wuhhh... it was sooo tiring. all those eating and meeting. and aku terlupa langsung yg org kat sarawak tak dpt 8tv... rasa cam nak nangis jer semalam sbb tak dpt nak tgk DH.. i missed one siri, tidak....

last two nights, aku baru balik dari lepak2 ngan matde around 11 pm... it was a longggg day, a little bit dissapointed with my current financial status and so damn tired... balik2 and masuk bilik air and there it was one huge chunk of hairs and the smell, eiiyuuuu.... and on top of it, ada note."kepada yg berkenaan, tolong buang rambut yg baru dekeluarkan oleh plumber". sapa lagi, aku la tuh... aku kan baru menyewa kat situ, mana bole kumpul rambut banyak tu. kalau kumpul 2 thn rambut aku saja pun belum tentu byk camtu... sial betul tuan rumah ... aku punya la marah. takleh ker buang sendiri? or mintak plumber masukkan dalam plastic.. i cannot just let it go..

so, as a revenge, i decided not to close the toilet door after i used it. that annoys her so much... i don't know why... mmg ada note tertampal kat bilik air "tolong tutup atau rapatkan pintu toilet". and note tu bergerak dari belakang pintu, ke tepi pintu skrg dpn pintu masuk. so, i know it really really irritate her.. and aku akan bukak pintu toilet tu besar2 seblum aku kuar... padan muka.

satu lagi benda yg aku akan buat ialah takkan buang sampah sampai dia berulat2 and berbau giler babi. i know that will drive her crazy...

i used to be a very good tenant. buang sampah everyday, tutup pintu as requested, bayar bill on time. even pay that astronomically high electrical bill. she has an air cond in her room. and now, she mess with me i cannot just sit still.... i might be over-reacting as always, but i simply don't give a damn anymore.

if that small thing can make me retaliate, just imagine if my land is being taken by someone and that someone want to impose his rule on me.

-edited-
aku dah tak marah sgt dah.. so, i think i should just delete this hateful entry...

last weekend i just realized that kisah cinta mawi n ina sgt2 la digembar gemburkan. maklumla, i don't read newspaper... jauh sekali mengikuti melodi.. the only tv show that i follow religiously is desperate housewife.

after reading some of the comments/stories, i just can't seem to put it out of my mind. as usual, i will side after ina. i can understand her woes. she is this simple kampung girl... feels very insecure about her recently very famous tunang. and dia tak dpt contact tunang dia berbulan2. come on la kan... cut her some slack. kalau aku tak dpt contact tunang aku pun, aku naik hangin. aku rasa lagi teruk aku buat dari apa yg ina buat tu. it's only natural yg si ina tu akan mendesak2 mawi.

i think it is very unfair for mawi to just dump her like that. dulu masa susah, bole la pulak nak bertunang ker apa... ni dah senang, senang2 jer tinggalkan minah tu. she is just being a simple minded-jealous girl. aku ni mmg feminist. dulu aku suka gak ngan mawi, lagu dia and all. now i don't have any respect for him for doing it to another woman.

things like this, always makes me wonder. do all guys like that? bila susah dia akan cari org yg sanggup idup susah ngan dia. tapi bila dah senang, dia tinggalkan org yg kurang menarik yg sanggup bersusah payah ngan dia... and go to another more interesting girl yg hanya tau abiskan duit dia. and then the muka sialnyer menyebut "i don't see this coming honey"...

i always believe two people will stay in a relationship if there are like a symbiotic relationship between the two. it won't work if one party needs the other one while the other doesn't. u see, i have my insecurities tooo...

the world is scary....

skrg ni tgh duk menumpang kat bilik adik aku kat ukm. ada course kat permata... ada internet lak tu... best giler.. cam kat US lak. aku mmg jarang rindu kat umich or live at US. it's always better here because of my family are here... 2 benda jer.. okla 3 yg aku kdg2 terrindu2 kat. 1. rollercoaster, 2. good place for blading during spring time, 3. the whitness after one snowing nite. tiga benda ni susah giler nak dt kat malaysia.

tapi lucky i have a fiancee that's so understanding (i really do think my rantings at this blog really works..), he took me to this place in putrajaya and we went roller-blading together... it's not much but that's only because i'm afraid of slopes... so, gi jalan2 skit2 jerla. napa la diorg ni tak buat jalan yg cantik dan ber-tar macam kat fuller park tu. lama tul tak rasa keseronokan ber-blading ni. kalau ada jogging track pun jalan dia tak smooth. sakit kaki ku...

i'm not very good with sports. aku tak reti nak main netball pun. bola sepak jrg harap la... the only sports i enjoy is roller-blading and swimming. that if these can be called sport. at least i can shed some fat when did either one... i'm sooo conscious of my weight right now. i'm freaking 52 kg. that's so damn heavy. i so want to reduce it to at least 48kg, i bought majalah Rapi and started to read diet plans... most people said i don't look 52 but i feel 52. semua fat tgh berkump kat perut comei aku ni.... tension... tension... when i was at umich, thanks to matde, i loss like 20 lb. balik2 kat mesia, slowly2 bdan naik... scary...

i've been thingking lately how difficult it is to be in a relationship and to keep it alive... i know, some people say, if u love someone, it shouldn't be difficult for both of you to stay together. this might be true for the first year. but what happen in the next 2,3,4 years? should we move on and find someone ? start all over again when the relationship gets rocky? i guess most of teenagers do that coz if i can recall correctly, most of my friends dump their boyfriends after 1 year. but it should be ok because they are still young and can meet someone els after they get into college. must be boring to stay in a relationship with a teenage boy for 9 years which we never know if he will grow up by the end of the 9th year. it will be very painful to leave him by then.

ok... that's not the point actually. two people are meant to be different. even if u think that a person ada perangai yg agak2 sama... there must be something about him that's different. so, one thing u have to remember, your partner sometimes cannot be as what u wanted. i have freinds that broke up with their bf/gf after 3-4 years in a relationship and said that she is not what he expected to be. of course she is... so, you left her and the next time u find someone else and u will quickly dump her when u cannot deal with her?

i think a man needs to play a very big part in a relationship. lelaki kan sepatutnyer memimpin/menjaga/menyara perempuan. sepatutnyer la kan.... they are the ones that supposedly emotionally stable. and women known as an emotional being. so, it is natural for women to be angry, demanding and all sorts of emotional stuff. so, it is the man's job to handle a woman. kalau la lelaki ni rajin sikit nak menjalankan tugas2 nyer sebagai lelaki... i'm sure there will be less break-ups. and it is important also for the guy to be supportive. being emotional, sometimes we do stupid things and consequently we will regret the stupid things we did. and pls don't think we don't know that it's stupid because we are not that stupid... so, why can't u just be supportive and assure us that things should be ok? takyahla nak membebel2.... tak gitu sayang ku?

feels good to be able to do this again. dah lama la katakan tak meluahkan perasaan.....

dah lama giler tak buat entry sampai password pun lupa. anyways, things are a little crazy on my part. since aku skrg dah agak2 actively involved with curricular activity in my dept, i'm going to be very busy until July. but let's not talk about work... it's endless

ini iklan skit yer... the next time you guys see me, pls don't ask anything about matde. if you really2 want to know what's going with him, kindly call his mobile and ask.. i'm done with saying things about him. i'm not a broadcaster ok.. so.. pls...do me this one favor... kalau korg duduk2 ngan aku tapi tak tau nak cakap apa2... u guys don't have to say anything. coz peopla who knows matde but don't really know me will ask about him just to make a conversation.. i don't mind at all if u guys don't say anything... don't worry...

anyways, we are still engaged... but have no date for marriage yet.

camner la aku bole terckp pasal ni when actually i wanted to talk about something else... ohh well.. later la kot.

i don't like to live out of my means. meaning, i don't want to buy a new car when i know i cannot afford it. but since to some people, my salary is a lot... i should be able to get a new car. buying a car is a commitment, every month, i have tu put away a qtr of my salary for it. that it not including gas money.

i just couldn't bare to have a debt. so, i would rather clear my credit card even though that means living with only 200 for that month. that happened this month. so, u see... i cannot buy a new car yet.. but how am i suppose to explain to people that? all i do is smile... saying that i haven't find a good car to buy yet. even my relatives kdg2 tego on my kancil. it is just too old and u wou;d never know when she will break down again... sad aaa... people said, money is never enough. but hey, it's my world and i love to live in a debtless one...

sbnrnya duduk kat KL ni terlalu byk guna duit. gaji 2K sebulan pun cuma cukup utk sorg... can u imagine that? sapa2 yg gaji about 1K jer sure sian giler. takleh nak buat apa2. duk rumah makan nasi 1 kali sehari jer kot.

aku dah start jahit manik to my baju. aku rasa aku jahit banyak sgt manik... sampai jadi berat naju kurung aku. since this is the first time, jahitan pun kurang kemas and kdg2 nampak la jugak benangnyer... today dah masuk minggu ke-dua and almost done. by next week aku rasa dah bole siap kot. now i have a hobby... maybe nak berjinak2 di dunia jahitan ni. so, bila dah berenti keja nanti bole menjahit.

i'm going to get a new boss by march. and he will not be pleasent. bila duk kat company besar ni and jumpa mcm2 jenis boss. bole la evaluate skit boss2 ni. i prefer not so bossy boss. normally a fussy boss will make sure that everything run very smoothly and depart tu sure terurus giler. tapi yg tak best nyer dia mesti menyusahkan hidup staff2 dia. semua nak perfect. salah sikit kena. kalau kita tak tau apa2 kena bebel... cakap kita bodoh la.. apa la... aku ni jaga kapal jer. manala aku nak tau production stages. aku bukannyer keja kat plant nu.... and selalunyer boss2 jenis ni x byk kawan and always lonely. on the other hand, the other kind of boss, the more relax type... aku suka sgt boss yg cam ni. trasa bole bernafas skit and normally aku suka nak lepak2 nngan dia gak.

i guess i was very lucky to get a very easy-going bosses semenjak aku bekerja ni. tapi kalau aku jadi boss krg, aku nak jadi yg easy-going and relax type. krg kalau aku mati, takdela diorg ingat aku as bitchy jer... and hopefully diorg bole la doa2kan aku skit... :) kenala berfikiran jauh skit kan... banyak dosa aku ni...

aku dah ada hobi baru... beading...

seronok lak rasa menjahit2 manik ni. bila buat tu rasa leka... bagi aku, better buat benda tu dari main game.. selalunyer bila aku bosan sgt, aku mainla game yg takyah guna otak.. susun2 objek ker... stuff like that.. tapi bila beading ni.. in the end ada gak result nyer. and i think i like glittery stuff. so, bila aku dah pandai beading krg, bole la aku kasi hadiah kat kawan2 aku nyer birthday like beaded purse, anting2 or rantai yg aku buat sendiri. the question is... kat mana aku nak beli bead2 tu?

ada tinggal about 2 more weeks before aku masuk 26 tahun... uuuuu... 26 u, sounds like i'm old... that's why i started to wear baju kecik2 skrg ni. nak lawan rasa tua tu. bila dress up like a girl. bole la rasa mcm budak2 skit. skrg ni, i think my body dah sampai ke tahap optimum and skit jer lagi masuk area tembam/gemuk. so, really watching my weight right now. gi swimming as often as i can..

ok... 2005... apa yg aku dah buat and tak buat. a couple of events have happened in 2005 that i will never forget for the rest of my life. sometimes i myself wonder how in the world i could do what i did. i guess, desperate situation calls for desperate measures. i know what i did was wrong, terribly wrong, and the path that i took will surely haunt me for years to come. is it why i'm so afraid of the dark lately? is it my conscience that prevent me from having a good night sleep? i woken up like 3-4 times every night... it is very2 tiring. normally when i had a very2 bad experience, i will try to forget it and keep it stored somewhere at the back of my head. eventually i'll forget about it. but will my guilt allow me to do it? maybe not. maybe everyone will have some dark moments that they have to deal with.

i hope next year will be a better year. and really hope my man will figure out what he wants to do with his life because i know i'm going to stay in this corporate world only for the next 8 years and a half. i don't think i can survive very long here. i don't think it is for me and i want to take care of my family for a change without worrying about money every single day....

aku gi blog elly and tried out "which sex and the city vixen are u" and i got miranda... ermm.. sama rupanyer kita elly. and yeah... both of us share the same passion for men... we do criticize them a lot and feel that we need more freedom... more guys... more...

it's true that skrg ni aku asyik terpk pasal nak kawin jer... aku dah beli baju kawin. start jahit2 manik utk brg hantaran... if my mom knew this, she'll scream. my parents tak kasi aku beli apa2 before tarikh kawin ditetapkan... i understand why... iyerla takut2 tak jadi kawin kang.. tak ker membazir. anyhow.. tak kisah la tu. parents aku ni rupa2nyer agak tak moden rupanyer. easp my dad. he doesn't even allow matde visit me at kampung that often. and matde gladly agrees. i just hope bila matde's parents and my parents borak2, matde's won't blurted out that i picked matde up at their house almost everyweek. i just love to potray that i am such a good girl in front of my parents. hipocrite? maybe... but it is better to do so rather than leave them worried all the time.

lama dah aku tak kutuk2 matde kan? trasa rindu lak nak buat camtu... :)
we have been together for about 5 years.. i cannot remember the anniversary date. heck, i cannot even remember the exact date we got engaged. i know it was in july... late july. malas nak check calender. remembering dates is not my cup of tea. luckily my birthday is on jan 1st... otherwise, i myself might forgot about it.

i really hope he will finalise his plan soonet possible so that i can start plan our wedding. i hate this uncertainty. bukan jer org2 lain tertanya2 bila aku nak kawin. aku sendiri pun tertanya2... tau2 jerla. keja kawin ni byk planning nyer. taknakla buat cam bertunang itu hari. sampai hampir breakdown. penat giler... and baju pun tangkap muat jer.

last few days i had a conversation with one of housemates.. we talked about our laki of course... nak cakap pasal apa lagi kan? and make fun of them skit2... skit jer... tak banyak pun and kutuk2 matde as usual (it's ok honey, despite your flaws, i still loooovveeee uuu). matde asked me once what about him that i loved.. to tell the truth, there's none of it. he's persistent (if he really want something), cannot leave me alone, always membebel... and tak cool langsung (walaupun selalu buat2 cam cool) . the reason why we still together is (i think) is because we are compatible with each other (i.e aku cool vs matde tak cool)... kalau dua2 cool susah la kan... okla.... dah takder idea memuji diri sendiri...

a friend in need is a friend indeed-sbnrnya sampai skrg pun aku tak tau apa maksudnyer... care to share? no ... i'm not going to talk about friends... this is my blog. so, here is where i show the self-centered me. and will not talk about other than me and me and me....

right now, i'm tired as hell. went back home at 2.30 last night and practically dragged my feet to get to my apartment. damn tired. last 2 nights aku mimpi pasal hantu... sure aku mengigau giler teruk pastu terjaga kul 5.30 pagi and couldn't sleep again at all.... then pegi keja and worked my ass off from 8.30 till 6.30... FYI, i am very hard working girl that i worked and worked... hopefully my boss appreciate what i did.

then off to hang out with elly, adik elly, rafik n matde... before going to see harry porter. for me... harry porter nyer movie is getting better... no more lenghty scenes of people playing quidditch.. by now we are smart enough to figure out how the games worked and i take it as an insult if they put that kind of scenes again... ingat aku tak bijak ker? the movie ended before i felt really2 tired (unlike the other three movies)... so, thumbs up.. harry potter pun makin handsome..

abis movie lepak lak kat open house yus... by 2 am aku dah takleh nak bukak mata dah. masa tu dah 20 jam 30 min aku stay awake... i should just cool down a little bit, i think.

since i have about 1 more hour to kill... aku nak masuk another topic la... i really2 think that men can be very mean and cruel sometimes... and sgt2 pandai mengambil kesempatan. sgt2 jarang aku jumpa lelaki yg sanggup amik responsibility of what they did. they can act really stupid too sometimes. for example, my sis told me that her friend's husband is currently studying at KL and the friend adalah cikgu and ada 5 org anak... pastu bole la pulak, laki dia tu tak bagi keta/motor utk kegunaan harian minah ni... and to top it off, card atm minah tu ada kat laki dia. kenapa laki dia takleh pk, minah tu kena pakai lagi byk duit, tapi duit gaji bini dia pun dia jaga. minah tu kat sungai besar ok? menyirap darah aku mendengarnyer.. kenapa laki? tak pk ker camner minah ni nak beli food, nak hantar anak gi klinik kalau anak dia sakit?

arrggghhh.... adala mcm2 laki tentang kebodohan/ketidak-adilan lelaki yg aku dgr... isk isk isk...

selamat hari raya...
indeed it is a very tiring raya. ramai pulak yg berkunjung ke rumah aku. every day aku buat at least 4 bottles of air sarsi. botol yg besar lak tu. aku rasa bole bukak kedai air camni... rasanyer tak ramai pun last year and tak sepenat ini. masa hari2 last berbuka, for the first time ever, semua org dlm family aku ada berbuka puasa sama2. ada la dalam 19 org semuanya... itupun baru tiga org yg kawin. kalau semua dah kawin... mmg jatuh pengsan aku. aku rasa next year lagi ramai sbb abah aku kiranyer org yg paling tua dalam family side dia. org2 kg sebelah mostly sedara mara dia. and i just found out that i am the third generation that stayed in Malaysia and my great-grandfather was an immigrant. so, the jawa tradition is still very strong... if u are at kampung2 org jawa masa raya ni... nila the most common words yg korg akan dengar:
dayoh-tetamu2
munggah-naik rumah
melebu-masuk
ngombe-minum
ngapuro-mintak maaf
ngelencer-beraya
pangan-makan

rumah aku kat kampung sentiasa terbuka kalau sapa2 nak berkunjung. rumah kat ukay tuh... payah skit la yer... tak larat den nak mengemas nyer

selamat berpuasa....

aku pun tgh berpuasa bersungguh2 skrg ni... berpuasa waktu keja is not so bad but tak berpuasa time keja sgtla menyeksakan... aku ni jenis yg malu2 kucing nak makan kat dpn org. and terpaksa menyorok2 kat dalam bilik stor mana2. pastu nak beli pun segan gak. terpaksala bawak bekal. aku ingat nak amik cuti time tak posa... tapi keja aku ni, takleh amik cuti time tgh2 bulan... time tula yg paling bz. aku pun dah naik pening kepala camner nak menggunakan 7 hari cuti yg pet kasi bila aku kawin krg. sure masuk hari ke-3 dah terkedek2 masuk office. unless aku nyer majlis kat kelantan tu...

actually i always think that since matde tak keja lagi, sure mak dia taknak buat majlis kat kelantan. which i don't mind at all... tapi i don't think so... sbb dia pun selalu dah hint2 nak buat kat kelantan... arrgghhh.... taknak...

okla.. aku nak kena gi sheraton hotel dah. ada org nak belanja berbuka kat sana...

another day staying late at the office... ermmm... tired la...
a lot of times i wonder, i'm not married yet, i don't have kids yet but even now, i came home dead tired. so, if i get married (maybe next yr), how am i going to cope? can i be a good mother/wife? setiap hari... aku balik, aku makan and trus tido... kalau weekend... mmg 14-16 hrs tido... nak rehat la katakan. masak mmg jauh skali. masak maggie bole la....

arrgghhh... tolong....patutla ramai pompuan suka jadi cikgu and ramai org petronas suka kawin ngan cikgu. senang skit nak balik umah. and ada colleague aku even cakap "awak ni kena tukar profession azzirah, takder org nak krg"... bole la pulak gitu. anyways, selagi aku blum kawin. i'm going to enjoy this care-free live... no cooking and no washing dishes.. tangan i sensitive u...

in another 15 mins, i have to go for a dinner meeting. i'm going to have free dinners until wednesday... :) sometimes i think this is the only good thing doing what i do. plus, i got to visit other asean countries...

but there are times like right now when i think i just don't want to go to work. it is actually quite depressing... trying to solve the same old problem. got scolded for the same things... and i think my work getting a little bit sloppy. even though i have a new colleague, my workload tak pulak berkurang2. if i'm not at the office, i still have to settle my shit but when she is not in the office... benda2 alah dia pun aku nak kena settle kan. and kitorg selalu la pulak takder kat office... so, mcm takder byk yg berubah....

baru jer setahun keja... dah trasa beaten with life. i just hope this is a PMS. suck tau... sucks... kdg2 rasa nak marah org jer. tapi lepas tu sure rasa bersalah giler. if possible, i don't want to do that. it is just too mean. matde knows how i can be if i'm angry. so, dia pun risau kalau aku marah2 kat office. okla.. dah pukul 7. kena solat before makan korean food yg besttttttt..... esok ajak customer aku makan kat mana lak yer?