aku mmg dah lama nak update... tapi tak kesampaian.
mmg agak tensi aku lately nih... tapi skrg aku try to take it very slow...and agak2 malas nak buat kerja. rasa nak tido jer...

watched "Alfie" last nite. a true womanizer movie. he is living life to the fullest. i will really2 hate him in real life. but since he looked so damn hot in the movie, i just have to like him a little ;) i think men in general is a player. they cannot seem to be with only one women. maybe it's in their nature? not that i'm ok with the idea. i was just trying to understand this thing. on a softer note, i do like the idea of living the simplest life u can. not tyring to get as much money as we can or like he put it "i don't want to be the richest stiff in the graveyard". that is why i love American beauty that much. Kevin Spacey left his meaningless life to work in low-paying job but his life improved drastically after that. he's able to live his life to the fullest.

disclaimer: the following is not to say i hate this guy, just pointing out how stupid a man can be
last nite, out of pure stupidity, my best friend's boyfriend dragged my bestfriend to meet his other girlfrend to discuss who should be his girlfren. And he did this at Puduraya. Can't he be even more stupid than that? and then he left my bestfreind at Puduraya to accompany his other girlfriend to her hometown. why la... why??? what was he thinking? nak kata tak sekolah... masuk gak U. takleh ke pikir camner prasaan kawan aku tuh? i don't know how my freind is coping with it. She has been with this guy for the last 5 years... maybe some girls just need to be a little stupid to fall for someone like that before she can be a little bit smarter. what a waste of time to love someone as stupid as that for so long. i really hope she will realize it now...

i officially hate my life... i know that is a really terrible thing to say but as of now. i do... i had a crush with someone that is already has a girlfren and going serious with her. the guys that keep calling me already has a girlfren and what is he doing calling/buggin me? my x couldn't just leave me alone... I NEED SPACE AND TIME... no wonder u are a drop out. u cannot even understand those 5 words...

and today i found out that i cannot take my very much needed vacation. everyone will not be in the office and i have to stay. i almost cried in front of the traders just now. one more push and that's it... they will see me crying. god.. i am such a baby. i hate them... hate it... hate it... and off course, my terminal is always having problems... plan2 pun tak guna. nothing works... cannot push here, cannot push there... so... what i do then? write this damn blog.,... fuck fuck fuck....

and for your info i am not experiencing any PMS... not at all... i just fustrated with everything that is going on... very very frustrated.... can i just kill everyone around me and be done with it? maybe i should just quit and become a waiter? or stop working in one hour?

everything is my fault. stop taking responsibility... my trader said. now, they said take some... you know what just fuck yourself and be done with it?

i lost it again just now. i couldn't keep my temper sometimes... it is just annoying. i have told them do not sell the cargo. they did not want to listen. maybe i just cannot cool it... damn... now my trader must have hated me. why the hell did he say that. he made a mistake, i have to cover.

sometimes i feel like smacking him in the face. biar dia tau skit. oh well... what is done, is done... tomorrow is just another day. and speaking about tomorrow... my very very good friend will be getting engage tomorrow. i won't miss it for the world. she meant a lot to me and i will be there for her coz i know she must want me to be there.

i hope she will be very happy with the person she decided to live with.

got a msg from the trader just now and he sounded pissed. i know i have to control my temper if i want to survive in this industry.. but do i care that much? of course not. i just want to think about my vacation next two weeks. just need some days off so that i can rejuvenate and think clearly....

ohh.. last nite watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it was awesome. very meaningful. how can someone erase his memory just to forget all that he remembered about his girlfren? i don't think so... the feelings surely still be there. so, it is kinda pointless to try erasing it. coz in the end, you wouldn't have a clue on what is going on. not to mention the confusions...

so, how terrible the memories are... how sad it is... surely there will be some good memories.. maybe all of us should learn to embrace the good memories and try to throw again the bad ones. it is out of the norm, for sure. normally we tend to remember the not so good memories and forget the good ones...

yada.... yada... yada..... till later.

i only have 15 mins for this entry and then i'll go to check out cd.. want to get a new Kelly Clarkson album. i'm a sucker for lady singer cd... i rencently bought Dido, Mariah Carey and alicia Key's cd.. kelly clarkson just great and her songs just about right for my taste.. marah laki skit2 here and there...ehehhe

okla.. i thing i haven't been nice or actually has been terrible to matde all this time. i simply cannot say something good about him and even though i try to give a little credit like the last entry, i cannot help but to include some sacarstic remarks... so, this entry i'll dedicate to him...so bare with me folks coz this is like once in a lifetime thingy for me... and matde as i promised... no more bad stuff for you

i like matde because he knows how to treat me and it is suprising how he can make me laugh after i cried. he said romantic things without creeping me out and he can be soooo sweet sometimes i just want to hug him... ehehehe... ok.. dah muntah blum? he can bare with almost all perangai buruk aku easp when i simply want to be mad without reason... so.. all in all... i know i will not find a second matde anywhere in the world.

:)... we are not a couple not because i don't like him but because i strongly believe he is not ready for a committment. afterall, he is still studying and will take sometimes to figure out what he wants. but, kalau kawan baik pun bole bertunang in two week times, ini kan pula org yg pernah couple for almost 3 years... we'll just see what will happen..

i think i have some difficulties in differentiating an entry for everyone to read and also a diary... so, i think i should go easy with this blogger thingy... do not try to update anything suspicious... sometimes, i wrote something but other people misunderstand my point and stuff happened. i do not think this is good.

so... since most people do think that i know only the stuff that i am doing... and nothing else... i have nothing else to write but what i feel. or my experience... which normally is not good. there were good stuff but the bad ones never fail to overcome the good ones.

i haven't seen a movie, read a book, news paper, watch the news, hang out with frens... ermmm... my life has been reduced to go to sleep, drive my car off/to work, work and eat.... ermm... interesting... and my i have started to have a conversation with myself...

oohhh... just to straighten things out... when i refer to bastardo... i'm not referring to matde, i was referring to my first x. matde is my sec x and still is... he is not that bad a person even though he did behaved like a bastardo occasionally.... there's a lot of quality in him that can be admired... i was angry not with all men but only some of it easp who has hurt my frens intentionally. and they do not deserved to be loved or missed... and every single day, i pray to Allah that one day my first x will get what he deserved and he will realized that is because he has hurt me again and again...

ok... time to go home... peace...

wahahaha..... aku rasa teruk giler aku nyer entry last nite. sbb tu aku amend balik..... nantila aku buat entry baru. baru masuk office ni... kelaparan juga

dah lama tak tulis ni, so, payah skit nak start.

nothing new in my life... same old stuff... girl frens decieved by their boyfrens.... girl frens cried and get really hurt. i called the boifrens bastard and still refer to my x as little bastard. so, here we were talking about a bunch of bastaros. i cannot help but wonder, ramai gak rupanyer bastardo dalam dunia ni. sgt ramai... camner agaknyer bastardo2 ni bole ujud dlm dunia? is it because of the way they were brought up? did their mom treated them horribly till they just have to get back to the women they met later? ermmm... tapi malas la aku nak pikirkan pasal bastardo2 nih... buat sakit kepala aku jerk.

cried... how i cried... beleive or not. i am such a big crier... i cried over almost everything. when i feel sad, i cry, when i am too happy, i cry and when i'm confuse and don't know what to do.. i cry. when of course, certain someone lied.. and treat me like shit... i cry. will this tears ever stop pouring down? ever? i was watching sex and the city the whole season six last weekend. it was soo touching... and i cried. okla tu kan.. tapi camner aku bole nangis tgk spiderman 2? truk tul... 2 kali lak tu. kalau tgk industan... mmg takyah ckp la... sampai basah tudung aku ni ngelap air mata... mungkinkah juga aku ni seorg yg berhati halus? maybe.....

okla... dah pukul 7.... dah start menulis nih... sure esok ada lagik. tapi after 7 la plak kot.

it has been a stressful week... very stressful that i don't think i can even open up my eyes...
we had a very long department meeting. almost 2 hours... my concentration is only up to one hour. after that, i just pray that i can still think or follow the discussion. i have this prob since forever

in a conversation, u cannot talk for 10 mins straight because if u do and i start to look other than your face... there is a very high chance that i'm lost. easp if talking to the phone... after 10 mins the person on the other line bla2..... i will just have to ask the same quest again. sounds stupid aaa... maybe i am. ehehe

just realized how many people have a blog right now. I started my blog in 2002 i think. it was kind boring.. all i do was go to school, go home.. hang out... that's about it. nothing to write about.

now, i think i have more to say. i read more and listen less. bla2... aku ingat aku nak try tak update blog for 1 month la.. and tak check blog or whatever... try to live without this blogger thingy. it must be strange... well...how am i suppose to know how it feels if i never do it right? people always say that i am very optimistic. maybe i am. is it good to be too optimistic? i always believe in moderation. be moderate in whatever we do, in spending, eating or sleeping. okla.. i lied. i love to sleep. kalau cuti jer, aku akan tido the whole day. i'll wake up only to eat, pray and bathroom call... but how long can i do that? since i am single with no calon laki, i will have to "berusaha" and find a husband. and i still don't know cukup tak kalau aku cuma doa jer to get a husband but never physically try to find one. i am not physically attractive. most guys want someone yg demure, putih, nampak mcm mengikut kata... bla2.... if they meet someone yg outspoken, mesti taknak kan... ok, here's my dilemma, if i become too close a friend to a guy, he will think that i am too precious to loose, so.. there will be no chance of any relationship other than frens. but if i only see them once a week and keep a distance, i won't know him that well. how am i suppose to live with someone i barely know? how?

okla.. cukupla beta mengarut. penat dah sbnrnya nih. so... i'll update again in one month time. if i update earlier than that, means i cannot live with this blog... wahahahahahaha....

i am officially 25. 25 feels normal. feels a little bit old but still normal. i have gained a little weight. but that's ok coz still within my normal or acceptable weight.
i am a very poor dresser... so poor that one of the managers here told me to change my way of dressing. what the hell? she asked me to dress like a young people. try to be as flamboyant as i can be. i cannot understand why some people go out of their way to change people. to make people conform to something... why can't they make me be me. i feel comfortable with the way i'm dressing... i know it is not attractive nor appealing. and they start comparing me with the other girls here. damn la. kalau la dia tu bukan a manager that can have a say in my future, i will definitely say to her "this is why i leave my home in Klang and stay in KL.do u you want me to leave this place also?". ehehehe... sah2 la aku susah nak naik gaji krg.

in 2 days time, i'll be 25... i'm not going to fret on what i should do or not do coz i've done that before. i freaked out about a month ago when i realized that i'll turn 25 soon. but now i'm pretty much accept the fact that i will definitely be 25.

over 2004, i have some regrets and for 2005... some hopes... off course, i hope i could be a better and wiser girl. 2004 was all about break-ups, heartache, insecurities and bla2.... wish i don't have to go through it? maybe not, life would be pretty boring without the ups and downs... i don't think i can lead a monotanous life...

okla... hungry already. sleepy too. been working fucking hard these few days... i deserve a little rest. some dvd, a swim, and whatever it is...

dah lama aku x beli n baca paper. since dah jadi tsunami ni, hari2 aku baca perkembangan nyer. giler la.. was this the first time such things happened in Malaysia? All my life i believed that Malaysia is protected by most natural disasters. maybe that is not so true anymore. so, bawak2la bertaubat dari skrg yer tak?

when i was in Michigan, I took one econ class "Decision Making". We learnt how to make decisions, what factors affecting our decisions. I voluntereed in one study where we have to decide between two cases:

case 1:
you have food and can get safely to the destination to feed 100 people.

case 2:
you have food but it is not safe to get to 200 people.

which route will you choose? do you want to save 100 or 200 people? It is very hard. I'm not sure what I chose. But the point is, it is never easy to make a decision. Easp if it is something very vague like your future? Maybe at times like this it is wise to ask Allah make the decision for you. I truly beleive in prayer. You must pray and ask for HIS help. Afterall, this is Allah's world and we are only staying here for a while. one day we will leave this world. why worry so much about stuff. Just laid back and enjoy. Enjoy the little time we have on earth. if later on we faced a problem, take some times to grief, get back on your feet, find a solution and move on. that's what life all about. you fall... you get up again...

ui... bole jadi pakar perunding aku nih. maybe after aku abis kerja ngan pet, amik psychology class and jadi psychologist. ermm... interesting.

lately, aku spend aku nyer weekends to tgk baby, gi tgk member tunang, kahwin... you know.. seeing other people getting to the next phase of life... by the next year sure tgk baby member2 yg kawin this yr lak... uii... errmmm... my world is changing rapidly without me realizing it...

takla change sgt sbnrnya... mostly yg nak kawin ni pun my x-high school mate, x-budak2 asrama and x-primary school mate... cousin2 yg sebaya or younger... yg older suma dah kawin... even makcik aku yg paling lewat kawin pun dah kawin... so, next year... bila umur dah masuk 25... lagi few days jer tuh.. bole kira ngan jari dah... 7-8 days jer lagik... mesti aku akan dgr "so, jirah bila nak kawin? eer... jgn lambat2.. baik kawin skrg.. rugi tak kawin cepat2" agak2nyer kalau aku bagi penyepak sikit kat dia, ok tak? apa ingat aku sengaja ker buat gitu? tp karang kalau aku citer panjang lebar kang.. tak abis 3 hari 3 malam la pulak.

ermm.. baru dpt email dari aku nyer supplier. dia piss off skit sbb aku marah dia semalam. aku dah stress, dia pun dah stress... so.. apa lagi. kena hantar sorry card la camni.... flirt2 skit.. bagi sejuk hati dia skit... skali skala gaduh2 apa salahnyer. a little, harmless argument may streghthen a relationship what.....

ok, i shouldn't be doing this. kalau aku stay in the office until tonight pun i'm not going to finish my work... malas nyer la nak start. aku dah kemas meja... i do that everytime i feel like i don't want to do anything. every single things gone wrong right now. i think satu benda jer yg going smoothly. kat Tg. Sulong tgh load satu kapal yg dtg on time. itu jerla yg paling normal. yg lain suma gone crazy already. i was so stressed out yesterday i wonder why i still hairs on top of my head.

i am going crazy. what the hell i'm writing a blog when there's a million things to do? well... that's simple. although i have a to do list. i still cannot bring myself to really put the effort in doing them. malas la... malas... 10x

oohh... i got a pimple on my right cheek... lama dah tak tumbuh pimple kat situ. normally between the nose and lips or on the forehead. trasa pelik coz everytime i touch my face, trasa ada something is not right. ok2.. i should stop now. ramai lagi yg ada byk lagi pimple kat pipi dari aku.

last 2 nights watched a movie "Closer".. Natalie Portman berlakon jadi a stripper. she's a New Yorker and went to UK coz she was heart broken. in UK fell in love with a guy and guess what? she does not use her real name and after 4 years when the relationship simply does not work out, she left UK and went back to NY. It is very nice if I can do like that. go to a new place with a new name. if it does not work out. leave the place and identity. at least won't have to go to the places where you've been with the guy. easp when u are the one who has to stay and keep hearing that bla2 is bla2...and so on, so on... that sucks...
the tagline "if you fall in love on the first sight, you will never stop looking"

i am reading a book tilted "The Dirty Dozen". it's a military stuff... i know you would loved the book matde, that's why i never told you about it... eheheh... i want to read it first and since it's not mine, like hell i'm going to give it to you...

anyway, the book is about 12 soldiers that were condemned to the gallows... but someone in a the higher office wanted to use these men for invasion in someplace.. not too sure where.. the settings were during World War two..1944...it is very interesting and a page turner... i really really recommend this book.

i really cannot take coffe.. too much caffeine... my body just cannot accept it. mcm amik drugs lak rasa. not that i have taken any, i imagine jer.. tgn aku menggeletar, bdn trasa sejuk2 and i cannot think straight. at times like this when kerja menimbun2 terkena lak camni..

aku nyer lifestyle makin tak btul. before, due to never enough money around, aku tak minum soft drniks, junk food and stuff.. bole makan nasi and benda2 wajib jer... tapi skrg ni, mcm2 aku telan. byk duit la katakan... ehehe...

oo... just like to boost around.. i went to a sauna last friday and there was one lady that commented that i looked like a 19 year old... ehehe... bangga tu mmg takleh nak cakap la.. that nite, when i went out with bopi, i couldn't stop saying to him that i looked 19 sampai dia naik nyampah... but maybe without tudung baru nampak 19 kot... anyways, she just made my day... truly made my day. keh keh keh...

"All relationships end at some point -- some by break up or divorce, others by death. There are no guarantees in life and there are none in love. Amazingly, every time you love, you take a chance of being hurt or left, and yet we still yearn to love. This is because we inherently know that there is no greater joy then being in love. Remember all of the times you have gotten hurt in love already. You are still intact, all parts attached, functioning. You survived. If you fall in love, you will probably have to survive a loss of some sort again. But isn't it worth it? "

plus, as quoted by Tony Parson "if you want a guarantee, buy a toaster"

it is amazing how i have healed by now... i mean you should see me on sunday last 2 weeks. i look liked i could just kill myself. the first time, i took about a few months, the sec time about few weeks and the third time about few days... and fyi, this is done by the same guy...

the problem was, when i healed, i forgot... when i forgot and he comes back into my life, i will off course, accept him back easpecially when i am single... such a believer like myself always have a romantic ideas about love.. we put too much faith in people. we have no reason to hurt people, thus we think they won't hurt us too. so, we fall in love as easily as changing our clothes... we trust and believe and put our heart on his platter... and slowly... they slice it little by little and sprinkle some lemon juices to add some flavor and drop it nicely on the floor before finally trampled it with their big ugly legs... kalau nak luka kan tu... luka kanla habis-habisan kan...

to fall in love is something that i always wanted to feel. it is the best feeling in the world... it makes me smile and smile... and smile.....

baru jer abis meeting. giler banyak meeting aku skrg ni. is this good or bad?

in Petronas, since it is very big, you really have to look not only at your small division before making decisions. you need to evaluate in total. say if you need to ask people to shoulder your loss. you need to really study and look, if by shouldering your loss, is it a real loss compared to others? i might loose 10 dollars when they might loose 100 dollars... if you simply jump and shoot , then mampusla kena sembelih krg. and i am not a somebody yet. The "somebody" here really knows how to twist your words so that you will look very insignificant and stupid. you must be really careful not to cross this kind of people.

there's a lot of things that i learn during my months in petronas. easp since aku masuk ni, ada jer problem.... mcm pembawa masalah lak aku nih. one is try to think like a guy (almost all colleagues are guys). when discussing an issue, try not to be emotional, be objective, careful in wording your sentences, do not protray yourself as desperate or unprofessional. look at the issues in a bigger prospectives... i.e for the greater good for petornas. if all fails, everyone will use that words.

well... sbnrnya, aku selalu jugak loose my temper when talking to my supplier or customer. kalau time2 tgh PMS tuh. ada lak yg buat hal.. saja jer la tu kan. dptla a piece of my mind. sian diorg... ada yg sampai kena buang kerja. cheh... trasa mcm power jerkk...

alright... time to stop working for a little bit and eat.

watched Ocean Twelve last night. it was simple and nice to watch... takderla terkejut2... it was like watching a hindustan movie where you just sit back and relax. of course it needs to be simple.. just imagine how much is the cost to bring each cast in easp people like julia roberts and brad pitt. She is the most expensive actress in US. I think she still is...

I adore her... i'll watch any movies that she's in... a movie will be a good movie if there is a good actor in it. Like Nicole Kidman, even though she starred in a stupid movie called Stepford Wives, i still think it is a good movie.. the storyline was very simple... but she knows how to make it a good movie...

Movies I've watched lately:
1.Bride and Prejudice: pls do not watch this movies, you will feel like killing yourself by the end of the movie. It protrays India as a country that only knows how to dance and sing and finding a husband...

2. Veer-a-Zaara: i like it.. coz there's shah rukh khan... he is just awesome.

3. Incredibles: Must watch cartoon... sapa2 nak blanja aku tgk lagi.. please do so

4. Alexander: first movie i watched alone.. with no feelings... so... not too sure whether it's good or not. and colin ferrel is not as pretty as brad pitt...

5. Ocean Twelve: just awesome.. i like it..

tak byk sgt options kat mesia ni... movie yg sampai dahla lambat... tak byk lak tuh... i missed the days when i go to movies there always like 15-20 movies to choose from not 2-3.

in an attempt of procastination... aku gi tgk next year nyer cuti... tak byk sgt cuti... ada a few jer cuti panjang2. since aku ada byk giler lagi tmpt kat mesia ni yg aku tak explore. aku ingat aku nak gi la sementara tgh single nih. nanti kalau dah ada laki, byk songeh la pulak kan.

and i have decided to get marry a little late... maybe after 29 or 28. getting married ni not an easy thing. nak kena jaga hati banyak org. which is tiring... biasala tuh, kalau dah takder yg sudi kat aku, terpaksala ada mind set camtu. tak gitu kawan2? ehehehe

anyways, places i'm yet to visit:
1. Langkawi
2. Pulau Kapas
3. Pulau Perhentian: is this a pulau?
4. Pulau Pinang:
actually aku cuma pernah visit pulau pangkor jer. so... aku akan pegi ke semua pulau2 yg ada... i'm sure byk lagi tuh...
5. Sabah/Sarawak.

as of now, itu jer kot ambition aku... ermm.. rasa cam nak gi switzerland (betul ker tmpt ko ni nazim?) aku pun tak ingat... ehehe... bole yer... aku beli tix kpl terbang jer.. lain ko blanja bole?

so, sapa2 nak gi travel tuh, ajak2 la aku...

aku bz giler skrg nih.... bz2 pun sempat gak aku update aku nyer blog la kan... ehehee.. ok, tak kelakar.

sbnrnya byk lagi benda2 yg aku tak experience dalam idup ni and i cannot say that i can understand a lot of what people are experiencing because i just never have to face it. like, i cannot say that i know how it feels to live in a broken family because my family is just fine. i cannot say i know how it feels to lost a child because i never have one, to lost a parent coz i still have both parents, to never know your father/mother coz i still have them and bla2.. the list can be very long here. it is very unfair to me to say i know how they feel when i never have to experience it. you could never be prepared for these stuff.

but i know how it feels to be dumped, to fail in an exam, PMS, to lost a friend over trivial stuff, to know that i am not wanted, to listen to my friends how great their boyfriends are when they are well aware that my boyfriends sucks... and also... the list can be very long here...so, i just gonna cut it short.

when i look back (see, i told you, my life is anchored by my past), i still have a long way to go in my life.. there's a lot more stuff that i never experienced or encounter... so, it's time to just put everything behind and live. like always....