Today started off with Aiman screaming and Pleading me to stay at home and takes care of him
I try my best to explain I must work. If he wants me to stay, we cannot live in our new house
We have to go back kampung and stay at atuk's house
He quieted a bit. But soon afterwards he cried again.
I left him crying and screaming. Makes me feel very bad.
So, today I sacrificed my lunch so I can come home early
Tada

When I was small, living in small village, schooling at KL, I always wonder why my life so difficult
Why some people lives looks like a breeze, very easy, like nothing to worry about
Then when I met my boyfriend (now hubby), I understand why


When I was with the then boyfriend, I wonder why I was suffering so much
Nak tinggal kan tak sampai hati, nak teruskan makan hati
this went on until we got married and he finally got a job
Then when I got sick with Guillairn Barre Syndrome, I understand why

When I was recovering from the syndrome, I don't question anymore
Coz deep in my heart I know I was getting prepared for a bigger challenge.
I just hope it is something that I can handle

Indeed, something happen in the office that shook me to the core
Something that against my believe and principle.
I cannot do anything about it. I just have to learn how to deal with it
And I'm still dealing

I just pray to god that whatever challenge he wants to put my way, it will be something that I can handle

I honestly have to move out from my current department. Things are getting funny and funnier
The environment is getting more and more toxic.
Goddddd..,... Sabar, sabar, sikit jer lagi boss aku balik. Ada seminggu jer lagi
Kalau balik bole la aku nak carik tempat baru

Still contemplating wether or not to get up and get ready to work
Work really really sucks. And I'm hating it every day
People are saying I should let it go
Things that has happened even how sucky and sickening it is to me, don't care about it
Some of my colleague I see don't even care or not affected at all
Why does it affect me so bad
Im dragging myself to work
I no longer monitor the working hours. Ermmmm
I really need to snap out of this
God, please help me snap out of it
Maybe I should be talking more, distract my mind off it

Izzah just fell asleep. Tried putting her to bed without my breast. Still uncessesful
Having an iPhone is really convenient easpecially when I'm baking
Any thing that I don't know I just google and I can know what it means

By the way, I really do like my new blog template. It looks nicer than the old polkadot n neater too

I still couldn't take my mind off work stuff. I find it too frustrating I cannot even enjoy my time with family.
I seriously think this job is really putting a lot of pressure on me. Time to move on I think.

Aku dah duk rumah baru yey!!
Weekend ni plan nak buat housewarming. Hopefully everything went well
MIL tolong banyak as always

A bit stressed out at work. Thinking of getting pregnant again
Hubby's is really against this idea coz he thinks I am not yet fit
I dont think I can get out from the damned department that soon
So, Ill think best for me to distract my attention is by getting knocked up
At least I have something to look after too
Skrg ni masuk Opis buat sakit hatiiiii jer

This auto correct thingy is really really annoying

Lamanyer tak update blog.
Much has happen. Tried sending aiman to CIC but i think the teachers are not serious in teaching in english. Baik aku hantar ke tadika biasa jer. Murah sikit. Tapi taska pun takla murah sgt.

never have i imagine that i will be living in a family that only communicate through the maid. that sounds so dysfunctional.
i myself tried to call them directly but my phone calls was not picked up or sms replied.
so, what can i do? if u cannot beat it, just join it
i think i just going to give up trying to have a right communication channel
maybe i need to pass masseges through my maid also
and how annoying it is when my in laws keeps calling the maid for whatever reason.
sometimes i need her to help out and she is not around. this is soooo annoying
could it be i'm at home for too long? almost 4 months now and it's getting a bit boring

apparently my dad is ready to marry again
and we are still mourning the death of our beloved mother
he did not include his children on his decision.
shouldnt what we say matters?

for the past few weeks i have hired taxi to go to hospital for my therapies.
yesterday had conversations with a cab driver about doctors.
there's a huge difference in terms of salary between government and private hospitals. some of the doctors in gov hospitals decided to stay albeit this difference. it got me thinking... indeed, money is not everything. he can accomplish much more and contribute more untuk bangsa and agama in gov. he will teach and train new doctors... MasyaAllah. betapa mulia nyer hati. the diff is more than 50-60k.

i dont know if i can do it if i have this option. or if my husband has it. i might pester him endlessly. i love money and i love this world. i hope i will not love it too much that i dont ever want to let it go. seperti kata uztaz kazim, "jgnla menyimpan dunia di dalam hati sehingga tak mahu melepaskannyer" kerana satu hari aku akan meninggalkan dunia ini. yg pasti aku akan mati satu hari nanti. tiada yg lagi pasti dari mati.

got a book "eat pray love" from my sis yesterday
it is quite good
and quite different than other books that i read.
she had family problem but she did not discussed it there
it is more about faith.. she is so unhappy that she turns to god
i only read few pages so far.
normally if the intro is good, the rest of the book will be interesting too

yesterday was the first time i went back to my father's house post GBS. it feels so good. raya i will be able to come home again. yeay.
it's weird that i will feel so very tired after an outing. i can say all outing is like that. very very tiring. maybe it will be very tiring to be on high concentration (this sounds wierd)

cannot imagine driving. bila sampai office penat giler? ermmm....
pastu kena tido 2 jam and then ok balik ker?
kalau takleh drive, i cannot go back to work.
should i come back by next year jer? amik unpaid leave?
if i really cannot cope when i came back later... will consider this.

3 minggu sudah berlalu
matde dah balik rumah from canada. i'm extremely happy
life definitely not the same without him
missing him like crazy when he was away

another milestone. i can walk without aid on a flat surface. still need tongkat on uneven surface. according to the therapist i need to work on my knees pulak. skrg ni susah nak amik wuduk sbb knee weak and takleh nak bongkok. rukuk pun problem

dah ada exersice regime baru at home guna band. priority will be given to knee and then hips. she also advised me to slowly prepare myself to go back to work. try to be active like getting ready to work until perhaps lunch time and see how long i can sustain. currently i mostly sit down on the floor. sbnrnya duduk kat kerusi pun very tiring for me. camner la nak bawa keta ni. ishh

plan to start sunday. esok nak try the new exersice. excited sbb baru hari ni beli band tuh. maybe next week i will be discharged from occupational theraphy. yey....

syukur kepada Allah...
aku dah bole guna tongkat. sebulan lebih sudah berlalu semenjak aku di diagnose with this syndrome. mula2 tu, mmg sgt depress. tapi utk mengelakkan terkena gila meroyan, ku tabahkan hati and paksa diri berfikiran positive.
ada juga sekali dua aku termenitik air mata.
alhamdullilah, tak la jadi gila
tahun ni tahun pertama beraya tanpa mak tercinta. trasa hambar saja. kali pertama berpantang tanpa mak. sgt berbeza rasanyer.
mak mentua sgt prihatin dan cuba mcm2 cara nak tolong aku jalan balik.
tapi, mak sendiri mmg tiada tolok banding nyer.
whatever it is, i will still need my mom.
next target is to walk with a walking stick. skrg guna yg ada 4 tapak tu. and to climb up stairs.

alhamdullilah... semakin hari, aku rasa semakin kuat kaki ku ini. but i still have few more muscle group yg aku kena kerja kuat untuk kuatkan. i found that my butt muscles are so weak that i almost unable to use it at all. this muscle group makes me unable to get up from sitting position and climb up the stairs.

so, i need the theraphy's advice what excersices i need to concentrate on. it seems that i still dont walk right. using my trunk instead of the hip.

i have to re-learn almost everything. sitting down, standing up, walking... turning around.

think i will be out of the office for quite sometimes. i wish i will be back though. cannot affford to be out of job now. cost of living just went up n hubby salary will not be enough to pay for even the necessary stuff.

feels like i'm making a bit of progress. it feels easier to get up, and to straighthen myself. i think i may able to walk with a walking stick but i dont have the confidence yet. i still need to balance myself using two hands. hence, i still need to rely on walking frame.

next week on thursday is 44 days and habisla waktu berpantang. well, if it is not for my MIL, i will eat anything. she doesnt allow me to eat anything. ermm... takperla. i'm not going to make a big fuss out of it

i feel good because at least there is improvement even how small it seems. as soon as i can walk, hope i can make it much stronger to walk up the stairs.

today i tried two new stuff.
1. walking without walking frame. use only tongkat - i fell. i think i am still not strong enough to support myself. even with a walking stick with a four leg base. this is terrible
2. put a leg up on a stair. not trying to walk up stairs. just put a leg on it. manage to put right leg up. struggled to put up the left leg up. almost unable to put it back down.

yesterday went back to klang for a reflexslogy session. advised by an aunt. i have so many aunts that loves to give advises. apparently the aunts from my father's side just found out aabout my condition and i bet will receive some more advises from them too.

feels that both hands are getting weaker and it is increasingly difficult to control my fingers. started to feel back and hand/leg muscle strain. will tell my neurologist about it tomorrow and seek her opinion.

and i am now referred to a rehab doctor. i hope it is nothing serious.

there's a lot of times when i feel like crying.
this happens especially when i feel sooo tired and like couldnt move on
i really hope i will get better
it is extremely difficult to stay positive.
there will be times when i am so down, i dont feel like getting up at all

izzah is crying. i need to attend to her

15 days has passed since i was diagnosed with guillaine barre syndrome. have been doing leg excersizes 2-3 times a day and i think my muscle strenght is improving a bit... just a little bit. i think i can get up a bit easier easpecially when i am well rested. but my balance is still off. i cannot seem to be standing up straight without support.

starting last monday, i have changed my home exersize regime. i will try to do as much as possible as long as i am not tired. i have to balance my time between feeding my newborn, layan my 3 years old that still need my attention and also to rest. i got tired very easily. i try to walk for 15 mins and it is so very tiring. rest is between half and hour to 2 hours depending on the situation.

my fingers are tired from this typing. so, i need to rest my fingers a bit.
please pray that i will recover fully and soon. i'm so tired...

i have been independent most of my life and i'm proud of myself for it
since i cannot walk now, i have to be heavily dependent on people.
and i'm adjusting myself to it
somehow i feel that i'm progressively getting worse. i hope this is just my feeling. will discuss it with my doc tomorrow.

i'm tired.... very tired.
my fingers are still numb. it's hard to type. when will this numbness go away? will it ever go away?

i have this syndrome called Guillaine Barre Syndrome. have it for few months already and only diagnosed last week. to make things worse, matde is in canada for trainig until end of next mth. i have to rely on other people to go to PCMC for theraphy and other treatments. this sucks

i miss matde and i miss my late mother. since aku dalam pantang, aku takleh sedih2. nanti bole gile org kata. occasionally few tears dropped juga. i try to be strong, but i think i am not that strong. it is hard to be strong and it is hard to do exersizes three times a day and breastfeed god knows how many times a day.

ya allah.... kuatkanlah semangat hamba mu ini dan sembuhkanlah aku dari penyakit ini. aminnnn