i like my new layout
it's simple
serve the purpose
i have another 15 min before i need to go to work
i think i want to go to work late today
what the hell..

after thinking a little bit harder last night
i figured out that i should start making myself a little bit happier by start spending
i am not a shopping kinda person. shopping during sales repels me.
queue too long, it's takes forever to try on clothes.
so, what i'm going to do next is shop whenever it's convenient and affordable
no matter whether it's a sale or not
i dont really follow fashion. so i can wear without guilty a blouse that i bought 10 years ago
my sister gave me this long skirt. it looks very old. but i like it so much that i still wear it
i asked my hubby once if he is bothered that i wear horrible outfit to work or shopping
he doesnt. so, that solve my non-shopping for clothes problem
i am more like my dad. we will simply buy whatever that we think can make our live a little easier. when i was single, i even send my clothes for pressing. dont mind paying a buck for each cloth. i'm so glad i figured that out. i'm also happy yesterday i got the chance to cut my hair short.
i've been meaning to cut my hair since last month but i simply dont have the time. one more thing that i should do is to save some money in a bank. i lovveee to save and i will actually smile when i see some of my money saved. if i cannot put aside 200, i should start with 50. as long as i am saving, i should be happy. i really hate to think that at 28, with a good job and a family, i still cannot do the things that i love. i will start with doing these small things.

since i watched Randy Pausch last lecture, i've been thinking hard about what i really want to do with my life. what is it that makes me happy
do i want to work my ass off for the rest of my life?
do i want to stay home and take care of my kids at home?
what is it that will make me truly happy and be satisfied with my life
i dont want to wager my happiness on my children nor my husband
i think it is too risky and what if they did not turn out to be what i wanted them to be?
will i be miserable forever? will i not be happy?
i need to do something for myself.
this cannot be base on someone else.
it has to be about me
when i was a kid, strangely my dream was to be a maid. i enjoy cleaning up my house so much
it's a mindless job and somehow i really liked it
then when i get a little older, i enjoy teaching people. i teach a lot when i was in high school. people basically queue up to ask questions from me. the other smart people has gone to better school. it gave me great satisfaction to see people that i taught do a little bit better in school
and i also enjoy teaching small kids. so, i think i would like to teach in kindergarten.
at least they are not rude. even if they acting up, they still looks very cute
these two dream jobs are easy to get but they pay really really low.
my current job eventhough at times can be extremely stressful, the pay is good and the office hour is somewhat negotiable. i can easily go to work late or take leave whenever i have emergency
and with a baby, this is happening quite regularly
realistically, i shouldnt quite my job as yet
even how stressful it is.. even if the boss hates me(i think).
maybe what is should do now is find a distraction
maybe a hobby will occupy my head from all these thoughts
even though i think i am not truly happy, i am still blessed to have such cute kid and a loving husband.

at this moment, i have two bosses.
one boss doesnt trust me, always think i have different agenda. fine, i always get this before. last time my senior think i'm stupid and will never do whatever i'm doing now. fine. last time my other boss think i always find excusess and always lied to him. fine. think whatever u want to think. i couldnt be bothered. why these people thinks so high of themselve and also looks down on people? by the way, all these are men. why they need to feed their ego that they are sooo much better than me? ok, i admit sometimes i can say stupid things, i can do even stupidier stuff... so, what? that's my character. why cant they guide me. instead of saying i'm not playing favorite. hello.... if u said that, meaning u realize that u are playing favorite and hoping other's not to see it. every time i think about it, i feels so angry. they act like they are so perfect. like there's nothing wrong with them....
arrgggghhhh.... if i dont think about my family and what can happen if i lost this job. i think i just show them my middle finger, storm out of the room, slammed the door and never come back.
like ashton kutcher said to cameron diaz in What Happen In Vegas "I would rather be happy doing nothing than be miserable doing what i hate".

i'm very excited... now 2 of my closest friends dah ada baby... so nanti kalau nak lepak2 tak rasa awkward to bawak baby sama
and i'm also very happy sbb most of colleague kata aku dah kurus. walaupun perut still agak buncit coz aku malas nak pakai bengkung after pantang
but i'm a little bit down coz something happen in the office. and my boss is scaring the hell out of me. and now i have to be more patient in the office. jgn pandai2 buat apa2. LOA is very important. it's ok not to do anything as long as you are not doing the wrong thing.
it's safer to not try to be a hero. i notice that is how my manager takes things in the office
and the sad thing is, he is still a manager after all this years...
and i just realize how important this job is to me and my family
just imagine what will happen if one day i got sacked? i'm the breadwinner.
even though i dont really buy things for myself. i need to distribute my money to all my family members.

oh... i am still breastfeeding at night and in the morning. and express breastmilk after lunch hour. i'm targeting till aiman 1 year old before totally stop expressing the breastmilk and just give formula. and targeting for aiman at least one and half year old to totally stop breastfeeding him... after taht... hopefully my hubby give the ok sign of having another one... it's weird.. i complaint non-stop when i was pregnant. i complaint more when aiman was born. and i still cannot forget the pain delivering him and how painful it was after it coz i pushed too hard. but after all that, i still want another cute little baby. penat camner pun, how stress i was about work, i still can push it away when i hear and see aiman laugh... :)
and just because of that, i dont mind going through all those process again....
thank you hubby for being there for me and be patient during those times... not all men can take it

i'm waiting for my flight back home to KL
this is a very nervous trip for me. 1st time leaving my 7 mth baby at home for 2 nights
everynight i sleep with him
it feels different not having him around. even though i am less tired. i still long to see him again
luckily my hubby followed. otherwise, i dont think i can sleep at all.
last time i thought i will get very cranky if i'm hungry and tired.
nowadays, i realize that i cannot be either stress/hungry/tired. bila ada 3 combination ni, better to stay away from me.... i can snap like a crazy woman anytime. so, i'm disciplaning myself to not bring work home. when i'm home. i dont care whatever happen to the world. biar la crude naik 10 dollar ker, drop 10 dollar ker... i cannot give a damn.
otherwise, i'll get crazy.

i got another 30 minutes to spend.
but got no idea to write...
ermmm... ideas... ideas....
ni la.. bila ada masa nak blogging, tiba2 takde idea pulak

bila teringat jer pasal duk kat US, sure aku tringat zaman2 matde lost...
pastu aku pun stress
bila dah berumur ni...and dah kerja.. and tau selok belok pasal kerja
and ada masa nak pikir pasal org lain
baru terpikir all the things that i can do for him then
tapi itu kisah lama
apa2 hal pun, aku still takkan bole tukar apa2
cuma skrg kena kuatkan semangat and remind myself that i can and will help him out
provided he didnt do anything stupid like having an affair or something la
itu mmg nak cari nahas jer la kan
i think i was in a way very selfish... i just want to get rid of him
i always wonder, what happen if he didnt come home
things might be very different...

i always wanted to know how it feels to be a fulltime housewife
how would it feel to get up in the morning without having to rush to the office
no traffic jem. no boss/colleague to please
no office politics to handle...
just worry what to cook for the day, if my husband will have dinner at home...
maybe one day when my hubby has started working, and we are almost ok...
i want to take one year no-pay holiday... and try to pursue other things. like being a good housewife
my hubby said, i will be a lousy one... but if u never try, u never know right???

something happened in my recently and people still talking about it
it makes me think about my relationship with my hubby
i always feel that i can be myself with him
and i always tell him. this is me... if u dont like me, just leave me.. coz i know i cannot change.
i also believe people dont change much.
u are not suppose to marry someone and expect him to change later
people normally will be themselve when they are around their significant other
getting married is one thing
staying happily married is a whole other thing
marriage is a hardwork
i dont believe we can be happily married without some effort.
that is just wishful thinking
i am glad though that my husband, despite his limitations, he is smart enough to handle me
i hope we will stay married until death do us part
and i hope i can handle all the problems that my children bring later on...
i really pity my parents. they have 8 children... and these 8 children are giving them 8 problems and sometimes they think they cant take it anymore...

i am participating at this one forum...
malaysian are generally reserve people.
most of the time we dont speak up in public
i think this is true even for managers
i came to me as a surprise that managers in my organization also will not speak up in public
for a company as established as the one i am in, i am expecting more vocal leaders, more upto date and daring leader
or maybe i was hoping too much?
being a young executive, one that just came back from overseas, i thought i can make a difference... initially i am a bold person, even if i dont know shit about something, i can put a straight face and talk about it like i know all about it... i've tried it during the last presentation skill course. but of course, i must not tell it to people who are in the same field
coz they surely know i was bullshitting all the way...
the problem was, when i think i know it, i assume that it is true.. which is not always the case. never crossed my mind to check it first. this one manager always caught me doing it. so i was shot and shot and shot down. now, i am no longer as bold.
i am quite afraid what i said will backfire. maybe one day when i am a boss. i must take the responsibility. sit in a driver seat so that i can drive myself to my desired destination
if i'm sitting on a passenger seat, god knows where i will be
normally my spirit will be fired up after a few session of motivational talks
but after 2-3 days, heheh... the fire will rekindle and slowly fading away
but this time, i will make sure i sit on the driver seat. i will put it on my table so that i will remember. i will not be the victim... must take charge of my own career.
whatever happen, i will not let my boss give me a 4 like he did last time.
i know i can be a great leader and i will definitely be one in a good time.
mainly because i loooovveeee to give people orders.. it give me a weird satisfaction after giving order... it somehow makes me feels good.....

i used to feel so stressed out pasal my baby
he cries and cries almost all the time.
i tried giving him extra milk.... nestum, whatever la... as long as he is quiet.
now the best solution is, when i think i can't take it anymore, i pass the baby to my hubby, cool down a little bit. x sampai 1/2 jam dah rindu kat baby balik. so, time tu jaga la baby jap
and now i eat and drink whatever i want
i feel like i need to reward myself for working very hard everyday
working 9-6, pump breastmilk 3 times a day, and waking up 3-4 time at night to breastfeed, taking care of baby when i got home by 7 and trying my best to help out my mother-in-law, keeping my room clean... and the list goes on and on.....
i dont think so much these days, i just do do do
being a mom is not easy but sometimes i couldnt belief it could be this hard
i need to remind myself not to get too stress out. eat whatever, when i about to feel too exhausted try to rest a little. i exploded once.. and i'm sure it wont be the last
i just hope i can control it before it ruin my life

nowadays, my appetite is still the same when i'm pregnant
worst, i can still finish up the food even when it is not tasty
almost everytime my hubby bought me food, i'll tell him how awful the food is and yet i'm able to finish it. anyway, i am still thankful coz i am losing my pregnancy weight day by day, i can wear almost all my old clothes now. still quite tight but at least can fit into it now... tak macam dulu, langsung tak bole masuk.

i got another 15 minutes break and i'm using it to write my blog
is there something wrong with me?
last year was a lott of distraction for me
got married, got pregnant, got baby. not so concentrate on my career
now everything pretty much settled
i can concentrate more on my job.
in my line of work, i need to know practically everything
for me, this can be challenging, coz it's not easy for me to remember things
i read a lot, and forget a lot too
sentiments play a huge role in pricing... u hear some explosion here and some country bombing another country and the price jump up like crazy. nowadays not necessarily price increase if demand surpass supply... fear is also a factor...
anyways, it is still pretty much interesting
will move to another department once things gets too routine here.
lucky me, i can move around anytime i want

skrg ni musim budak2 masuk asrama
everytime aku dgr one of my cousins masuk asrama, aku sure tringat time2 aku dulu
1st night i cried. aku ni tak manja ngan parents and bole di-catogerykan as independent la jugak tapi still rasa sedih bila duk jauh dari parents. so, i cannot imagine mcmana la yg manja2 tu.
my sister in law duk asrama 2 minggu, then balik ke rumah balik
before ada anak, aku rasa benda tu ridiculous giler.
tapi bila dah ada ni... make sense jugak napa the parents willing to let her home again. even though she was in Johor. in that two weeks, god knows how many times my in-laws went there.
it is sooo crazy....
i am reading this book about parenting by John D Gray. "Children are from heaven"
basically kid has 4 major temperemants, active, responsive, sensitive and one more i always forgot. anyways, he explains how to deal with each temperaments. really an eye-opening.
and very usefuls too. there are different techniques to deal with kids tantrums, how to lessen their resistance. he likes to use the word resistance a lot. how to balance between hard-love and soft-love parenting. what to say and all. i cannot really remember how my parents treated me as a child. my mom too busy with my younger siblings and my dad so busy getting enough money to survive. i cannot blame either one of them. i think i turned out great anyways. even though i am not a genius, i'm able to think. and i always have enough even though i am the bread-winner and my husband is still studying. all in all, everything is great and i am gratefull to Allah for all that he has given me all this while...... :) this is one of the days when i am feeling serreeennnee... not sure why. maybe my PMS days have passed and my hormone will rage again in the next few days...

i just came back from a finance course
initially i always thought that finance is such a boring thing... actually i still think it is
but now i see it in a very different view. it teach me a little on how to be a business woman
i know i would never start my own business
too stressful. my life is stressfull as it is and i dont need to make it worst
that course has taught me how to manage my money more efficiently.
it is not wise to save all your money. u should keep some for security and the extra we should combine it with some loan and do a little investment like in property. i am yet to have extra... all my money as of now is just enough for security... god willing, my managers are kind enough not to give me penalty for this year performance, i should get a bonus. provided that i am not expecting again (the 1st one is accidental) and not buying any property and my husband did not coax me to buy something expensive... the bonus should cover for any emergency and i will have extra.... so... maybe i can cook something up.
since my social life is diminishing right now... i think i have lots of time to do things for myself.
i am trying my best not to feel obligated to help out my MIL.
since aku menumpang, and since little i was taught that when people give something to u it is definitely not free, we must return something back... even with family, i always fell obligated to do something like clean up the kitchen, washing the dishes, lipat kain etc etc
sounds simple, but it does require my time and i can use the time to sleeppppp
i am sleep deprived. i tried giving my son formula milk at night coz i thought feeding through bottle is much faster. but it is actually easier to just give my breast coz he can fall to sleep faster.
i am trying to be a good mom. i try to handle my son gently but gentle is not in my vocabulary. i am reckless and there were times when i am endangering my son.... i really hope i can change this before something really bad happens... i wish god nothing bad will happen.

aku cuti hari ni.... yeayyyyyy
chinese new year, aku lak yg beriya iya cuti
1 feb federal day... and amik 3 hari cuti... dapat 10 hari kat rumah.... so... rasa berbaloi giler
dapat spend lebih masa skit ngan anak
sayang anak ni sgt berbeza ngan sayang benda2 lain
mcm org kata sanggup buat apa2 jerla
kalau aku tgk kakak2 aku yg garang giler ngan anak diorg pun, kalau dia benda2 tak elok jadi kat anak diorg sure risau giler... tak kirala emak tu camner.. aku rasa kalau dah namanyer anak tu, sure syg giler

alhamdullilah, aku masih berjaya bagi anak aku susu badan
walaupun letih nak pam 3 kali kat office... rasanyer bebaloi bila tgk anak sihat
and tau yg kita dpt beri yg terbaik utk anak
susu dari badan kita yg khas utk dia mmg tak dpt nak dibeli di mana2
insyallah akan aku gagahkan diri bagi dia susu badan sampai at least 6 bulan.

hari ni dah masuk third week aku masuk kerja
everyday has become a routine
breastfeed baby around 5/6 am, have some nap, get up and get ready to work, 7.30 go to work.
8 arrive at the office
8-9 express breastmilk.
9-12 buat kerja
12-1 express breastmilk
1-4 buat kerja
4-5 express breastmilk
5-6 buat kerja
6-rush back home....
7-sampai rumah
7-10 jaga anak la pulak.....
10-11 tido kan anak... and aku pun tido
sikit giler masa for myself. selalunyer during weekends, demi nak membanyakkan susu badan, aku express gak breast milk between feeds.
so, i am really really exhausted. and bila dah penat rasa nak mengamukkk jer... coz i dont get enough rest. cant wait for my child to phase out his night feeds, i think around 6-7 mth kot
alhamdullilah... skrg ni lepas breastfeed 12 mlm, the next time dia bangun around 4.30-5 am... patutla aku penat, dalam sehari, byk tu jer aku rehat sbnrnya...

welcome 2008...
it's getting easier handling my son now
dah bole agak bila dia ngantuk, lapa and saja2 nak nangis
takderla clueless sgt cam dulu
and my nipple not as sore as before... so, breastfeeding is also getting more comfortable.
alhamdullilah... malam2 pun dia tido... occasional feeding during the night. no more screams and crying until 6 am. part tu yg paling aku syukur sekali. takla rasa cam naik giler
matde pun takle menjadi target mengamuk kepenatan aku
aku takleh handle tiredness... mesti mengamuk punya.
all in all... after sometimes we sure will get use to these changes

tomorrow i will be officially 28 yrs old
reaching the big 3 O....
wow... i'm a mom now
nasib baik anak aku nyer tulang kuat
entah camner la aku handle dia. pakai angkat jer kdg2
hopefully tak tersalah urat or anthing
2007 is the most professionally-unproductive year and a very family-productive..
this year alone, on top of my 15 days annual leave, i took 7 days marriage leave, 2 weeks MC and 60 days of maternity leave..
got married and got a son.
so much is happening in 2007. definitely a year that i will not forget