"a lot like love".... not too sure if the movie out yet but i've watched it in cd... my sister said it was too slow.. luckily i watched it anyway... well.. i loved it. ashton is so cute and amanda peet also kinda cute... they look lovely together... :) i'm a sucker with this kind of movies, i like my bestfreind's wedding, sleepless in seattle, i got mail and never been kissed or... don't forget 50's first date.. movies like this is very easy to follow and u don't really have to wrecked your brain to get the message and not violent in any way. romantik gak aku rupanyer... if u don't like romantic movies, don't watched it... because it is indeed slow...

biasala kan... my life evolves around matde,work, reading books and movies... so, right now i'm reading this one book. a fantasy book. this is the first time that i read a fantasy book that does not involve any magic in it. for me, this book is quite interesting because one of the gods' or god's companion was a prostitute. so, prostitution is a common thing and they can even sell their children to become a prostitute one day.. the storyline goes like this. she was sold into this prostitution world... and one day was bought by one gentlemen and trained to be a spy. so, she is a whore-cum-spy. interesting ehh.... aku x abis baca lagik... but it get's more and more interesting. cuma biasala, at first it was quite confusing to understand the setting/the characters because they totally make it up and try to get as strange a name possible for a character.

a lot of people wonders about matde... i don't know why. is it because he never really hang out with his frens anymore or just for the sake of making a conversation with me. but, anyways, he is ok. better than before... i guess...

ok.. that's it... i've covered about book, matde and movie. maybe next week i'll start bitching about may endless work... i'm just taking it easy today because i was in the office for a full week this week... and by the 5th day normally i'll laid back a little.

company aku nak terbitkan satu majalah/suratkhabar by the name Berkat. pastu diorg mintak nominations.. since aku ingat nak jadi lecturer one day and ada mimpi2 nak tulis buku.. aku ingat aku nak try jadi AJK dia. cuma kena nominate myself la.. iyerla.. nak tunggu org nominate mmg jgn harap ler... sapa ler yg kenal aku kat sini kan. terperuk jer buat kerja kat ujung tuh. sampai colleague sendiri pun aku x ingat buat apa. nasib baik semua org nyer nama aku dah tau.

so... my dreams aside... seperti biasa... aku nak bercakap pasal hati and perasaan.... normally if nobody has never broke your heart, u cannot possibly understand what it means to be broken hearted. some people even die because of it. really... the pain, it is just unbeareable. it feels like someone has stabbed your heart over and over again. the first time i was broken hearted, i almost went crazy myself... i cried and cried, i cannot eat, i cannot sleep... literally... i thought i was losing my mind. i lost like 10 kg in one month. but then when that phase was over... of course la i gained another 15 kg... sometimes... it is kindly pointless to get an opinion from someone who never went through it because all they gonna tell is the logical part... be like this, be like that, be strong and bla2... and do they know what it really really feels like? i don't think so... my heart has been broken about 6 times already... and it gets easier to move on by the 6th time. but that does not mean that i want to go through it again. the pain is the same if not more but i'm able to get on my feet faster... it takes me about 3 days to get over the crying/not sleeping/not eating phase by the 6th time.

so, if your heart was broken for the first time... take it easy on yourself.. do whatever to make yourself feel better. but not to the point of killing somebody or yourself of course or injuring yourself...

dah pukul 6 skang ni. baik tak aku, mengguna kan masa office ngan sebetul2 nyer... after 6 baru berleka2... eheheh... ok, cukupla memuji diri sendiri...

i think a lot lately, one of it is... how do u know whether someone will stick by u through bad or good. most of the time, people will stick around when you are at your peak. when u have a lot of money, very good at your studies and a politician.. these goes the same for even our parents... do u think that they will stick by u if u did something that embarass them? the first thing that they do is just throw u out. it is very sad... whe u really think about it. just imagine... u are at ur lowest, u keep failing school for some reasons... or u just fucked up... took drugs or get urself pregnant. in general, u are good people... but when u started involved in these things... do u think u parents will stick around? or even your frens? that is sad... okla... sad2 pun... aku nak minum ngan member aku nih.

esok aku nak citer pasal batman lak... best gakla citer tu. nasib baik matde paksa aku gi. kalau tak.. mmg x tgk ler...

i'm very2 tired... my work is killing me... slowly or not... it is... i even quit my fitness club coz i can't even find the time to go... sometimes only once or twice a month.

walaupun kerja yg mmg melambak2 and xde gaya nak abis pun... aku telah volunteer myself to be the team leader for Meeting with Vice President of Oil Business in Petronas. Since everyone else in the committee has their task. the last thing they nominate is the team and i have no choice but to step put to the plate... giler la... i cannot even organize Rush's birthday party/ATU re-union... and now i'm organizing a party for my Vice President. wish me luck guys. i really hope this one will go smoothly.

i think all these while, i always imagine myself living a hard difficult life. and it did turns out like that. since i was a child, i can't seem to have enough money. sometimes to the point of starving myself. my pride just did not allow me to ask money from my parents... the result, i do not know how to spend my money... i cannot shop. everytime i tried shopping, i started calculating my money in the bank and gauge whether it will be enough or not... not too sure whether it is a good or bad habit. sometimes bad for me coz i'm the most ill-dress exec here and always have no appropriate cloth to wear to functions/dinner. and then, my boyfreind... i just cannot understand why he cannot be a successful person when he is with me... maybe i always think he is a loser..(sorry matde)... and to those who still confuse what is going on between me and matde... yeah... we are together again... :) even though he has 1000 faults in him... i still want to be with him.. okla.. kalau aku teruskan.. sure aku kutuk2 dia lagi kan.. so, i better stop now.

so, what i'm going to say is... from now on, i will always imagine that my life in the future will be very2 easy. matde will be a millionare.. i'll be satisfied with my job/career and will never get fat, my family will love me and bla.. bla bla.... i hope my dear readers will pray the same for me too..

lately bloggers are given a lot of attention in the media..... i came across articles about bloggers kat dlm business week and herald... maybe aku pernah baca something kat NST gak kot... tp kecik jer column dia..blog is dangerous because it is totally unscreened by anyone... media kat mana2 pun di control oleh some organization kan tapi kita ni membebel la ntah apa2 tah... blog is a new form of freedom of speech. and once it was publish... no way u can take it back.. i think i read one article about one blogger that has been sued by one politician in singapore because the blogger has said something bad about him... damn... so, anytime u have any strong opinion about a politician or a government or even a company... be very2 careful on your comment. they have a lot of recources and you don't want something bad happen to u just because of your opinion.... don't get fool by thinking that just because you are living in democratic country u can say just about anything...

anyways... bloggers aside, what are u going to do when ur x is getting married and there is no way u going not to see him happily together with his wife in your lifetime... he is always be there somewhere in your life... maybe that is why try not to have a relationship with your frens or someone that live nearby or a relative... or better yet, do like natalie portman did in closer... go to a different country, met someone and never give him your real name. so, when things just did not work out, u leave him and the country... he won't be able to find you when he thinks he wants to screw you again. smart isn't it?

had lunch with philippines broker just now. we'll... before that we tried to celebrate my boss birthday which turns out to be a total disaster. first i was not in d mood, sec. my colleague just plain ***** which i don't think i can tolerate him now... he is just a total *** sometimes...

ok.. i was just in a very bad mood. that's all... ok.. off to shopping now.

the last book i read was Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. It was awesome.... initially, it looked like a typical american story book but in the end, it gets really interesting.. tells about a relationship between a mother and daughter. i almost cried reading this... i would recommend to those that wants to read this book. it really get me thinking about me and my mother. well... when i was young, my mother was sooo busy with her other kids (i have 4younger brothers/sister) so, she did not have time for me... so, i felt neglected. but now, she has all the time in the world to worry about me. sometimes i really hate that coz, there's a lot of stuff that she won't allow me to do... but anyways, i loved her so much and i cannot imagine life without her. even though i never really tell her my problems, but it is always nice to know that there's someone that will always be there for you no matter how terrible u have been. THat is what we call mother's love... the unconditional love....

lately i have been watching sex and the city or in short SATC. i don't know why but everytime i watched Big hurt Carrie... i will cry. without fail. it was sad... so sad...

:) aku rasa kalau aku x mengutuk laki mmg x sahkan... kesian member2 laki aku. kdg2 tu yg baik2 lak yg trasa. yg agak2 nakal2 ke arah2 menghancurkan idup org tu x lak pulak trasa. anyaways... aku akan cuba sedaya upaya utk x menyakiti hati sapa2... ni la padahnyer kalau mulut xde insurance.

aku nak kena gi gym dah nih. oo... aku join gym skrg. that is how i feel my nite life and that is also how i don't feel that lonely even though i'm not dating right now. weekend lak kat rumah. member2 suma or almost suma bz with all other stuff. at first it feels weird for not really having contact with people in a day. or just a normal conversation. but i know it is something that we just have to deal with. if i cannot handle one more bad relationship... i have to be alone for quite sometimes.... but who knows, maybe since aku ada byk kat kg... tiba2 ada org terpikat ngan rambut pendek aku ker?

okla.. time to pilate... laters....

hari ni ari ahad. adik aku nak gi cc. so, here i am....

aku skrg ni agak2 menyampah ngan citer melayu skrg. mostly potray wanita melayu ni lemah and senang ditindas. yg pompuannyer lak trima jer... x fight langsung. kot yer pun kalau mak mentua tu agak2 mcm nak membunuh dia, try2 la sepak2 skit ker.. lari dari rumah ker. x creative langsung. ni la kalau rumah xde astro and dvd player... tgk jerla citer melayu yg x pernah brubah jln citer nyer.

sbnrnya real life pun xla beza sgt dari citer drama melayu tuh. selalunye bila laki be it a husband or boyfriend buat sial, the girl maafkan jer. sometimes enough for the guy to say sorry. and that's it. when something like that happen again, all he has to say, "sorry honey, i did not see it coming... u see, this kind of thing just come without warning, forgive me ya..." sambil buat muka sedih2 skit and then ckpla yg kalau minah tu x maafkan nak langgar pokok la, xnak makan la.... and bla2... what a jerk. and the girl pun.. apalagi, maafkan la...

the worst thing about all these is the guy doesn't have to see and hear the girl crying her heart out at nite. her frens will have to see it. her other girl frens would be the one that will be there, consoling, calm her down. if i have my ways, i will call and scold all these stupid men. i can understand why some people evntually go back to the old partner. they somtimes afraid of the future. takut x kawin and all. which is valid. kat mesia skrg ni, pompuan lagi ramai dari laki. so, aku paham la. but at least please fight a little. pls don't let him do that to u over and over again. always keep in mind that sometimes enough is enough......

makin lama makin cepat lak masa berlalu... tiba2 jer dah 25 aku nih. tiba2 jer dah 1 tahun aku kerja kat petronas.
i got a new ceo and he made a major overhaul to the company. restructuring the people. well.. since i'm new and only a baby, i don't really care... things like this i bet always happen. u cannot expect too much when working in a big organization easp like petronas.

i come to realization, in petronas, you need to have a good relationship with your superior. u might be the best staff there but if u are hated by your superior... there is no where u can go. but if u are not so good... loose some money, here and there but knows how to golf, go to all the parties, organize stuff... u can be someboday someday. since i'm not too good in doing those. i cannot help but wonder, what will i be in 10 yrs time. for sure i do not want to stay doing what i'm doing for the next ten yrs... i would love to venture in something else... maybe i would do as what my predecessor did, moved to MLNG marketing department. i heard they travelled a lot over there... ehehe... travelling a lot can be fun and can be a lot of work sometimes too...

i travel at least once a month. but when i travel, nobody will take over my job in the office. the heap of my inbox getting bigger each day that i'm gone... so... actually by travelling, i had more stuff to do than not. but hey, since the allowance is good... bole la... ehehe..

aku mmg dah lama nak update... tapi tak kesampaian.
mmg agak tensi aku lately nih... tapi skrg aku try to take it very slow...and agak2 malas nak buat kerja. rasa nak tido jer...

watched "Alfie" last nite. a true womanizer movie. he is living life to the fullest. i will really2 hate him in real life. but since he looked so damn hot in the movie, i just have to like him a little ;) i think men in general is a player. they cannot seem to be with only one women. maybe it's in their nature? not that i'm ok with the idea. i was just trying to understand this thing. on a softer note, i do like the idea of living the simplest life u can. not tyring to get as much money as we can or like he put it "i don't want to be the richest stiff in the graveyard". that is why i love American beauty that much. Kevin Spacey left his meaningless life to work in low-paying job but his life improved drastically after that. he's able to live his life to the fullest.

disclaimer: the following is not to say i hate this guy, just pointing out how stupid a man can be
last nite, out of pure stupidity, my best friend's boyfriend dragged my bestfriend to meet his other girlfrend to discuss who should be his girlfren. And he did this at Puduraya. Can't he be even more stupid than that? and then he left my bestfreind at Puduraya to accompany his other girlfriend to her hometown. why la... why??? what was he thinking? nak kata tak sekolah... masuk gak U. takleh ke pikir camner prasaan kawan aku tuh? i don't know how my freind is coping with it. She has been with this guy for the last 5 years... maybe some girls just need to be a little stupid to fall for someone like that before she can be a little bit smarter. what a waste of time to love someone as stupid as that for so long. i really hope she will realize it now...

i officially hate my life... i know that is a really terrible thing to say but as of now. i do... i had a crush with someone that is already has a girlfren and going serious with her. the guys that keep calling me already has a girlfren and what is he doing calling/buggin me? my x couldn't just leave me alone... I NEED SPACE AND TIME... no wonder u are a drop out. u cannot even understand those 5 words...

and today i found out that i cannot take my very much needed vacation. everyone will not be in the office and i have to stay. i almost cried in front of the traders just now. one more push and that's it... they will see me crying. god.. i am such a baby. i hate them... hate it... hate it... and off course, my terminal is always having problems... plan2 pun tak guna. nothing works... cannot push here, cannot push there... so... what i do then? write this damn blog.,... fuck fuck fuck....

and for your info i am not experiencing any PMS... not at all... i just fustrated with everything that is going on... very very frustrated.... can i just kill everyone around me and be done with it? maybe i should just quit and become a waiter? or stop working in one hour?

everything is my fault. stop taking responsibility... my trader said. now, they said take some... you know what just fuck yourself and be done with it?

i lost it again just now. i couldn't keep my temper sometimes... it is just annoying. i have told them do not sell the cargo. they did not want to listen. maybe i just cannot cool it... damn... now my trader must have hated me. why the hell did he say that. he made a mistake, i have to cover.

sometimes i feel like smacking him in the face. biar dia tau skit. oh well... what is done, is done... tomorrow is just another day. and speaking about tomorrow... my very very good friend will be getting engage tomorrow. i won't miss it for the world. she meant a lot to me and i will be there for her coz i know she must want me to be there.

i hope she will be very happy with the person she decided to live with.

got a msg from the trader just now and he sounded pissed. i know i have to control my temper if i want to survive in this industry.. but do i care that much? of course not. i just want to think about my vacation next two weeks. just need some days off so that i can rejuvenate and think clearly....

ohh.. last nite watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". it was awesome. very meaningful. how can someone erase his memory just to forget all that he remembered about his girlfren? i don't think so... the feelings surely still be there. so, it is kinda pointless to try erasing it. coz in the end, you wouldn't have a clue on what is going on. not to mention the confusions...

so, how terrible the memories are... how sad it is... surely there will be some good memories.. maybe all of us should learn to embrace the good memories and try to throw again the bad ones. it is out of the norm, for sure. normally we tend to remember the not so good memories and forget the good ones...

yada.... yada... yada..... till later.

i only have 15 mins for this entry and then i'll go to check out cd.. want to get a new Kelly Clarkson album. i'm a sucker for lady singer cd... i rencently bought Dido, Mariah Carey and alicia Key's cd.. kelly clarkson just great and her songs just about right for my taste.. marah laki skit2 here and there...ehehhe

okla.. i thing i haven't been nice or actually has been terrible to matde all this time. i simply cannot say something good about him and even though i try to give a little credit like the last entry, i cannot help but to include some sacarstic remarks... so, this entry i'll dedicate to him...so bare with me folks coz this is like once in a lifetime thingy for me... and matde as i promised... no more bad stuff for you

i like matde because he knows how to treat me and it is suprising how he can make me laugh after i cried. he said romantic things without creeping me out and he can be soooo sweet sometimes i just want to hug him... ehehehe... ok.. dah muntah blum? he can bare with almost all perangai buruk aku easp when i simply want to be mad without reason... so.. all in all... i know i will not find a second matde anywhere in the world.

:)... we are not a couple not because i don't like him but because i strongly believe he is not ready for a committment. afterall, he is still studying and will take sometimes to figure out what he wants. but, kalau kawan baik pun bole bertunang in two week times, ini kan pula org yg pernah couple for almost 3 years... we'll just see what will happen..

i think i have some difficulties in differentiating an entry for everyone to read and also a diary... so, i think i should go easy with this blogger thingy... do not try to update anything suspicious... sometimes, i wrote something but other people misunderstand my point and stuff happened. i do not think this is good.

so... since most people do think that i know only the stuff that i am doing... and nothing else... i have nothing else to write but what i feel. or my experience... which normally is not good. there were good stuff but the bad ones never fail to overcome the good ones.

i haven't seen a movie, read a book, news paper, watch the news, hang out with frens... ermmm... my life has been reduced to go to sleep, drive my car off/to work, work and eat.... ermm... interesting... and my i have started to have a conversation with myself...

oohhh... just to straighten things out... when i refer to bastardo... i'm not referring to matde, i was referring to my first x. matde is my sec x and still is... he is not that bad a person even though he did behaved like a bastardo occasionally.... there's a lot of quality in him that can be admired... i was angry not with all men but only some of it easp who has hurt my frens intentionally. and they do not deserved to be loved or missed... and every single day, i pray to Allah that one day my first x will get what he deserved and he will realized that is because he has hurt me again and again...

ok... time to go home... peace...

wahahaha..... aku rasa teruk giler aku nyer entry last nite. sbb tu aku amend balik..... nantila aku buat entry baru. baru masuk office ni... kelaparan juga

dah lama tak tulis ni, so, payah skit nak start.

nothing new in my life... same old stuff... girl frens decieved by their boyfrens.... girl frens cried and get really hurt. i called the boifrens bastard and still refer to my x as little bastard. so, here we were talking about a bunch of bastaros. i cannot help but wonder, ramai gak rupanyer bastardo dalam dunia ni. sgt ramai... camner agaknyer bastardo2 ni bole ujud dlm dunia? is it because of the way they were brought up? did their mom treated them horribly till they just have to get back to the women they met later? ermmm... tapi malas la aku nak pikirkan pasal bastardo2 nih... buat sakit kepala aku jerk.

cried... how i cried... beleive or not. i am such a big crier... i cried over almost everything. when i feel sad, i cry, when i am too happy, i cry and when i'm confuse and don't know what to do.. i cry. when of course, certain someone lied.. and treat me like shit... i cry. will this tears ever stop pouring down? ever? i was watching sex and the city the whole season six last weekend. it was soo touching... and i cried. okla tu kan.. tapi camner aku bole nangis tgk spiderman 2? truk tul... 2 kali lak tu. kalau tgk industan... mmg takyah ckp la... sampai basah tudung aku ni ngelap air mata... mungkinkah juga aku ni seorg yg berhati halus? maybe.....

okla... dah pukul 7.... dah start menulis nih... sure esok ada lagik. tapi after 7 la plak kot.

it has been a stressful week... very stressful that i don't think i can even open up my eyes...
we had a very long department meeting. almost 2 hours... my concentration is only up to one hour. after that, i just pray that i can still think or follow the discussion. i have this prob since forever

in a conversation, u cannot talk for 10 mins straight because if u do and i start to look other than your face... there is a very high chance that i'm lost. easp if talking to the phone... after 10 mins the person on the other line bla2..... i will just have to ask the same quest again. sounds stupid aaa... maybe i am. ehehe

just realized how many people have a blog right now. I started my blog in 2002 i think. it was kind boring.. all i do was go to school, go home.. hang out... that's about it. nothing to write about.

now, i think i have more to say. i read more and listen less. bla2... aku ingat aku nak try tak update blog for 1 month la.. and tak check blog or whatever... try to live without this blogger thingy. it must be strange... well...how am i suppose to know how it feels if i never do it right? people always say that i am very optimistic. maybe i am. is it good to be too optimistic? i always believe in moderation. be moderate in whatever we do, in spending, eating or sleeping. okla.. i lied. i love to sleep. kalau cuti jer, aku akan tido the whole day. i'll wake up only to eat, pray and bathroom call... but how long can i do that? since i am single with no calon laki, i will have to "berusaha" and find a husband. and i still don't know cukup tak kalau aku cuma doa jer to get a husband but never physically try to find one. i am not physically attractive. most guys want someone yg demure, putih, nampak mcm mengikut kata... bla2.... if they meet someone yg outspoken, mesti taknak kan... ok, here's my dilemma, if i become too close a friend to a guy, he will think that i am too precious to loose, so.. there will be no chance of any relationship other than frens. but if i only see them once a week and keep a distance, i won't know him that well. how am i suppose to live with someone i barely know? how?

okla.. cukupla beta mengarut. penat dah sbnrnya nih. so... i'll update again in one month time. if i update earlier than that, means i cannot live with this blog... wahahahahahaha....

i am officially 25. 25 feels normal. feels a little bit old but still normal. i have gained a little weight. but that's ok coz still within my normal or acceptable weight.
i am a very poor dresser... so poor that one of the managers here told me to change my way of dressing. what the hell? she asked me to dress like a young people. try to be as flamboyant as i can be. i cannot understand why some people go out of their way to change people. to make people conform to something... why can't they make me be me. i feel comfortable with the way i'm dressing... i know it is not attractive nor appealing. and they start comparing me with the other girls here. damn la. kalau la dia tu bukan a manager that can have a say in my future, i will definitely say to her "this is why i leave my home in Klang and stay in KL.do u you want me to leave this place also?". ehehehe... sah2 la aku susah nak naik gaji krg.