hari ini hari sabtu.
i love weekend. got to spend time with the loved ones. bole bawak aiman jalan2, tido ngan best, takyah pikir pasal kerja. and boss aku pun dah tak kasi aku ada exposure, which means nothing to worry about.
hehe... life is great
aku rasa aku nak try buat benda baru. tapi tak berapa sure apa bendanyer tu
i like my job cause i can talk to people. always talking, discussing, very minimal paper work. i'm thinking of going into researching job. ni mmg tak byk sgt ckp and so much paperwork. ermmm... dont know la.
aku dah rasa mcm i am not contributing anymore and i should move to another place where i can contribute more. or at least i want to try
tapi kalau tmpt tu, aku takleh nak arah2 kan org, ermm.. will i survive? i have this need to ask people do certain things for me. aku mmg kena jadi boss. manager pun cukupla. so that i can at least delegate something.

aiman has started to annoy me in a lot of ways...
no wonder my sisters are always shouting.
semalam dia campak camera aku yg almost berharga 1k. skrg dah rosak
pagi tadi dia amik susu dia and tumpahkan kat atas lantai
tengahari tadi pun buat benda yg sama gak...
arrgghhhhh..... aku pun trasa macam nak mengamuk jer ngan perangai laki aku yg tak berubah2 tu...
tension tension tension.
aku rasa kalau aku puasa 2 hari lepas mmg batal kot puasa aku.
pagi2 aku dah marah2, sampai ngan boss aku pun dah naik suara. everything is sooo annoying
adakah aku perlu mengambil anger management class? agak sukar untuk mengawal amarah ni.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri
salam lebaran
aku bersyukur dapat melalui bulan ramadhan dan merayakan hari kemenangan melawan nafsu umat islam....
sangat sedikit aku bersyukur..
sempena hari raya ini, aku ingin memanjatkan pada ilahi kesyukuran yg tak teringga di atas nikmat2 yg aku kecapi hingga ke hari ini.
aku bersyukur kerna di kurniakan hubby yg penyayang and sgt penyabar
aku bersyukur kerana dikurniakan anak yg sihat dan cerdas akal fikiran
aku bersyukur kerana masih dapat bersama mak dan abah
aku bersyukur di atas kelapangan rezeki dan tiada bebanan hutang
aku bersyukur ya Allah di atas kurniaan mu...

as for every weekend i will watch nur kasih over the internet.
friday ada makan2 ngan kawan2 matde. so, tak dpt concentrate.. tak best tgk ngan org yg tak appreciate benda ni pun.
the issues are all very close to reality.
byk delimma and drama which i like
kat situ dia tunjuk camner beriman pun org tu, kalau diduga Allah, belum tentu dpt tangkis. camni la yg citer melayu patut buat... cinta bersegi2 and ada juga peracunnyer. it just shows, walaupun minah tu pakai tudung litup, belum tentu hati dia baik. and bila nur blah tinggalkan laki dia sbb terperanjat dgr laki dia kawin lain, baru la mcm betul. kalau drama lain, sure dia terima jer nasib mcm tak logik.
anyways, thumbs up for this citer. sapa2 yg curious bole gi check it out at tv3.com.my under nur kasih episodes.

i learn something new yesterday. when people are pushed to a corner and ianyer melibatkan periuk nasi nyer.. he will do whatever to protect it. that's why kdg2 decision yg dia buat dah tak objective. it is not for the best of the company. it is for the best of himself. and the way my organization is designed, it makes each one in the company compete with each other, trying to get the same market share. but the problem is, we are of the same company. this really confuses people in the market and for those who sees this, will take it to their advantage. which i think is really really stupid. there is no point in this. it is just a waste of time when two people in a company trying to get the same market share. it will be chidlish to think we will work together. this is even more bullshit. people will back stab you to protect himself. for those like me who doesnt know to protect myself will suffer. i think i have been stabbed too many times now. honestly, every time i go to work, i have set my mind that i will do the best for my company because i owe them for sending me to the states before. that loan would be paid off in the next 4 years... after that, will i conform to the majority and starts to look after myself?? aku hanya insan yg lemah dan hamba Allah yg sungguh banyak dosanyer.... kuatkanlah iman hambamu ini

i notice, bulan puasa ni aku agak kurang bersikap kurang ajar terhadap hubby. mungkin sbb hati lebih tenang. insyallah aku akan cuba lebihkan membaca ayat2 suci Al-Quran untuk mendapat ketenangan jiwa even after puasa.

also reading about parenting and i think aiman is a responsive child. he likes to talk and it is very easy to distract him. kalau dia nangis2, distract his mind to something else pun bole. actually hubby dah ajar jugak. sbb kalau aiman mengamuk, aku pun mengamuk sama... tapi dia kata, kenala manipulate sikit anak tu. api ngan api, akan jadi api yg lagi besar.

ramadan mubarak.
alhamdullilah, first day of puasa. semoga puasa tahun ini diberkati allah.
hubby baru beli comp baru. as usual, he will need a bit help on the financing. he always makes an offer that i simply cannot refuse. the first time he bought a comp, he doesnt need financing but i just hate the fact that he buy a new comp when i already bought him a laptop. so, i asked him to give me the same amount of money he needs to buy a comp. well, since he really really wanted to buy it, he gave me the money. then, this one kaput already and cannot stand not having a computer. after another round of negotiation, we decided that i will help in the financing but i can use the comp whenever i want it. heheh... true enough, yesterday i spent the whole night using his new comp.. hehe... not a bad a deal at all..

so, i spent it watching tv3 series. this yr i think tv3 doing a great job in their drama selection. every day citer dia mmg best. tapi sbb aiman sleeps at 9ish, aku selalunyer tak dpt nak follow. so, aku gi website and tgk. last night i watched La Dolce Amira the last two series. mak oiiii.... sedihnyer citer. the way they twist the story is so nice, i have to salute the director. the actor and actress also not so bad. another one i'm following now is nur kasih. jalan citer pun power and aku suka cara dia oleh the citer. it plays with the emotion. hero dia mmg lelaki melayu sejati and ada cara ckp yg aku rasa sgt macho. hehe... in real life i will definitely fall for this kinda guy.

1 more hour before i will need to start masak for sahur. time for some movie...

lately ni aku terjumpa tamar jalis nyer buku citer kat internet. matde la yg jumpa. citer dia takla seram sgt. tapi every short stories dia ada tema...
1. solat jgn tinggal
2. sentiasa jujur dalam semua pekerjaan
3. jgn angkuh.

i think lepas baca buku ni, aku lagi motivated utk jaga solat. bagi aku jaga solat is not something yg senang. ngan sibuk kerja and all.... sgt senang terleka and lupa. bole kira la brapa hari aku bole solat cukup 5 kali sehari.

pastu utk buat something dgn betul2 jujur pun susah. mcm skrg ni, aku rasa aku dah worked my ass off. tapi still not be properly rewarded. tak pernah pun dapat recognition. tapi aku tgk org lain yg kerja mcm tak sebagus aku pun senang2 dpt recognition. every year dpt 2. bila dah jadi camni, mmg susah sikit la kan... tapi bila pikir2 balik, mungkin balasan utk aku nanti dpt kat Aiman.. which i dont mind at all. also, mungkin jugak dulu aku byk giler dosa. so, kurang la sikit berkat tu. kalau aku dok banding2 camni, maybe aku takkan happy kerja. aku pun malas nak carik kerja lain. i'm pretty happy where i am now. kalau nak kira complain, satu page pun tak settle. ye dak?

insyallah di jauhkan la sikap angkuh tu. i can be seen as snobbish too sometimes. we'll mungkin aku kena arahkan org at least sekali dalam sehari. kalau tak dpt nak mengarah satu hari tu, matde la yg jadi mangsa.... hehehe siannnn diaa..... ada this one friend of mine ckp sian laki aku kawin ngan aku. dia dgr aku bebel pun tak tahan. tapi aku rasa hubby aku tak kisah kot. tu yg dia kawin ngan aku.

i'm thinking of taking Aiman on a ferry trip.
maybe plan to go to langkawi. take a car, then naik taxi. i bet this time is more fun because we can now enjoy going to fish/crocodile taman.
last time it wasnt so much fun because only the two of us.
nothing really excites us.
or, maybe i should go to penang and naik ferry kat situ ker.
yg penting dapat bawak aiman naik ferry.
then next time bole bawak dia naik kapal terbang
skrg ni senang nak buat activity coz everything will be a first for aiman.
and it is surprisingly easy to make a child happy. a mere walk on the garden, sit in front of the house..
and he is very happy. no need to buy expensive things
maybe because he doesnt understand it yet
hehe... lepas raya must plan.
time puasa ni aku ber hibernate..

last 2 days i was on biz trip. it was fun coz lots more girls on the trip. last time mostly with guys. so not fun coz normally they will do their own thing and leave me alone at night... not that i want to join them. anyways, since i was having the time of my life with these girls, i went home so tired. and as usual, even though i'm the bread winner i still have to clean up my house and take care of the kids when i'm home. well, what else is new?? so... i'm super fried.
tomorrow i still have to go to another biz trip and the week after maybe have to entertain a super angry client. argghhh... i'm tired.... want to sleep....
gone were the days where life is so carefree...
tak sabar nak tunggu bulan puasa. i plan to only berbuka puasa with family or frens. it taste so much better break fast with the people you love and care. biar pun cuma makan nasi and ikan goreng and air sirap. takyahla nak makan benda2 mahal.
today i went to spital with my mom. she will have her operation very very soon.
i hope everything will be ok. hubby is not well also.
this weekend must go back to kampung and spend time with him.
must check on AIman. i'm on emergency leave today
accompany mom and hubby to doctor.

lately i keep thinking of the "what if"s of my life...
it seems that there a lot of points in my life that if i take a different route, my life can be completely different from what it is now.

1. what if i left ATPN and join one of the the MRSM and become just an ordinary student there and will not get a best student... will i get the opportunity to even go to the states?

2. what if i turned down the scholarship offer to go to the states, will i ever meet matde?

3. what if i marry matde in the states? will he still flunked out of college?

4. what if i dont force matde to come back to malaysia. will he ever comes back? will we still be together?

i guess Allah works in a mysterious ways... there were times when we have to make decisions and we dont know what will be the outcome. we just have to make out of the best at the time. even though later we found that it may not be the perfect one.

there were so many things that can make a couple break, and at the same time there's also many things that can make it work. i find it funny sometimes how different both of us are. during mealtime, if we are having ikan, he will eat the isi, i will finish off the tulang. kalau makan tom yam i will eat the ketam, he will eat the udang. things are just perfect that way. we both like books and movies but different genre...

in a way, i think i have found my soul mate. someone that completes me. i hope my friends also will find it too. dont concentrate too much on the differences and faults. embrace of what who our partners are and try to be happy for him for whatever he is... even then i always scolded matde for no reason. that's just who i am and he will just let it be as long as it is not over the line... because that is just how he is...

i pray that both of us will live happily until the end of our lives...

somehow, i feel so sentimental today... is it because "nur kasih"????

god... it was the longest i think since the last time i have an entry
well, work is so so
family is great
hubby loving as always
friends also fine...
nothing to complaint. nothing to say la

Hatiku masih tak tenteram. Ku tak tau mengapa dan kenapa.
Adakah kerana sudah tiba masanyer untuk aku mengamuk?
Ku rasa idup aku ni mcm yang and ying. Kalau kat opis aku best giler, kat rumah mesti aku down n vise versa. Kurang siumankah aku?
Tak boleh ker kalau dua2 pun best?

I've been contemplating to change job for quite sometimes now. But I like what I do. I just feel the environment is not good for me. Then I sit n think very hard about it. Since I like my job, I shouldn't go away n do something else that I might not even like. I just need to manage the environment. Anywhere I go, if I cannot manage this, I will not be satisfied. Plus, no option of not working right now. Someone told me that my workplace is very hostile. People are judgemental n they do stab us in the back if necessary. This is a corporate jungle. All I need to do is to survive in this jungle.

Beading is my new hobby. Nothing fancy yet since I just started. When I'm good at it, will start getting orders. This one need to be creative. Haha. This is what I need. Train my brain to be a little creative.

It's 2 am in the morning. What am I doing? Okla, need to continue zzzzzzz haha

Semalam aku sangat stress pasal keja. Kenapala fukup sgt keja aku ni? Apa yg aku buat semua tak menjadi. Sakit kepala aku dibuat nyer. Aku rasa kena tuka keja la. Tak dapat eden nak menganggung masalah yg tak berenti2 ni. Takkanla semua lesson learnt. Ya Allah, aku rasa masalah ini terlalu berat untuk ku tanggung. Kepadamu ku sembah dan kepadamu aku meminta pertolongan. Bantulah hamba mu yg didalam kesempitan ini. Amin.....

Minggu lepas and minggu2 yg sudah aku tersgt tension sampai tak lalu mkn n all. I whine and whine non stop. Rasa sgt tertekan ngan keja. Pastu aku dok baca blog org n diorg pun stress ngan keja gak. So, aku buat kesimpulan takder keja dlm dunia ni yg tak buat ok stress. Duk rumah jaga anak pun stress gak. So, buat jerla tak tau. Maybe aku extra stress sbb kat tmpt keja Performance eval time. N I know I'm not doing too well. I worked very hard but still cannot perform. How frustrating. Tak tau dah nak buat camner. Ngan boss yg tak reti2 bagi direction, pastu terkapai2 la aku keseorangan. Ntahler tapi bila dipikir2 kan aku ni takla malang sgt. Ada jer yg lagi malang. Paling teruk pun, tahun ni takder increment n bonus. At least I still got a job. Betul tak? My boss said all these will make me stronger. Will see if this will make me or brake me. Either way, I don't want to care.....

I'm so stressed! It's showing on my body. I never smile anymore, Im getting thinner and my temper has gotten shorter n shorter. Sometimes I think I'm even neglecting my son. My hubby has his own way of occupying his time. So, not worry too much on him. It's just that lately aku asyik cari reason nak marah dia. He is a very2 nice person n now dia tak f*** up, it's getting more n more difficult to be angry at him.
Arghh stress nyer......

Facebook is so much fun. There were people esp from high school that I thought I could never get in touch, but thanks to facebook, I can contact them again. Seeing old pictures, oh, how I missed my dorm n the people in it. Cikgu2 nyer juga. Dah tinnggalkan sekolah more than 10 years now. Mostly dah ada family n career. I think we grew up well. Mlm tadi Aiman terjaga tgh mlm, rasa mcm nak sambung tido jer. Dahla hujan2 ni. Boss bsr kata nak amik cuti. Hehe

am trying to post my son's pix but i guess the pixel is too large and i dont know how to scale it down. anyhow, maybe will try to do that later. recently gotten myself a facebook id. not so many friends yet. but i actually got hooked to it. everyday will be checking what are they saying and all... luckily i got a free wifi in my room. most prob one of our neighbor's have wifi. hehe... lucky me. otherwise have to buy one myself.

my son is growing very well. everyday is such a blessing. whatever he does makes us so delighted. when he starts to sit on his own, walk, jump, run, say all those small things like abah, makan, nak, tu... every single things that he does makes us soo happy. :)

my mother is also looking much much better. i'm glad i encourage her to do chemo and radio despite some of our relative's comment on chemo. yup, we do hear scary stories about chemo. but she is holding very very well... and i am very grateful on that. alhamdullilah, the effect is not as bad. she is eating well.

what does it mean to be independent? Is it the ability to do things on your own. Does not need help from others? As I grow older I find it more and more difficult to be independent. I surely cannot go to work, earn money and at the same time stay home and take care of my son. I still need help from others to take care of my son. Does this mean I'm less independent? And at work, it's impossible for me to work in silo. I have to ask peole for help to get a certain job done. I think if I truly want to be an independent person I should be a very succesful painter. I don't have to leave home. My work does not depend on others. And I can paint when my son at school or taking his nap. Yeah, not everyone can be a painter. Let alone a successful one. Good luck to me :)

i was suppose to start putting up an article in this blog. but since i am too busy watching dramas, i cannot find the time to do it yet. at this moment, i already have two topics, am thinking about the third topic.. what is the point of having these topics if i cannot start right?
anyhow, recently i have been spending beyond my means. this is the third month that i cannot settle my credit card debt. i really need to start cutting down on my expenses. have been treating myself to good food and spas lately. need to put a stop to it. aiman's susu consumption also has increased. takkanla nak cut down on that right? so, the only way to do it is by living like i use to like last time, no shopping, no eating out... no fun... maybe i can ask my hubby to buy me things next time. he is living on a 400 allowance. but i cannot compare that with me when i have so many responsibilities. i guess this is not the place to vent my frustration on my spending habit or why everything is so expensive in Malaysia.
maybe i should migrate to US. hehe... and they are also in huge trouble now. economy is not doing very good...

happy new year. I am officially 29 years old. Last year I was too busy with Aiman that
I was totally forgotten to make a resolution. This year I can concentrate a little bit more on myself. This year I did came up with a resolution. Actually two. The first is to write meaningful material in this blog. Two is to swim once a week. I'm still thinking a good topic to write about.

next Thursday will be my 29th birthday. This year I'm thinking of pampering myself. First i'll do manicure pedicure, then massage. Later if not yet bored thinking of getting some facial. Then go swim. God, it has been like ages since the last time went swimming. Also asked matde to buy me some present. Hehe, selalunyer aku mintak duit jer. Aku suka pakai kebaya, so ask for keronsang. I have a set but it is too flamboyant. I want something simpler but nice.

aku tgh giler ngan ipod touch baru aku ni. Mana2 pegi mesti nak check ada wifi tak. When I'm use to the screen, this thing is actually not bad at all. Quite difficult to write long entrys because it's always correcting my words. Very tiring. Need to eat. Tata

Mak aku mengidap cancer. This past few days have been very painful to us all. Battery is running out. Have to continue later. Btw, took 7 days off and was trying to be fulltime housewife. It is so damn tiring.

Interesting quote from the movie 'Why did I get married?'
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.

But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.



Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. 'Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not'

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yes terday, Hahahaha . . ..'

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you st art thanking God for what you already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? 'They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!'

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!

this month i have no plan to go on any biz trips.
lately i dont feel like travelling at all. all i want to do is stay at home with my son. well... hubby is always like that regardless of school holidays or nor school holidays. so, he is not affected by not having me around.
anyways, i have a new task at work and am really liking it. most of my colleague see me as an aggressive person. at some point this is quite correct. all i want is to get my job done. also, i would really like to polish my writing skills. i hate to do presentation. i'm so terrible at it. but that's the best way to promote yourself to the bosses. heck, i dont give a damn about it anymore.
if i feel like not doing this anymore, i will just try look for other opportunity. i think i dont mind being an executive forever. at at this moment la.

today my 2nd day in spore this month
everytime i went on a trip, there's always a part of my breast that got engorged
not sure why this happen. i think i pump out the milk inefficiently that some was left out
i just hate it. it really hurts and i just have to pump it out
i'm using manual pump now. the electrical suction was so weak....
i'm aiming for medela PISA or freestyle for my next baby
my hubby thinks that it is such a waste of money to buy breast pump and all because he thinks i am a very lazy person. dont think i will be committed to pump all the time.
i think he is right... as much as i hate it, have to admit that he is always rational and he thinks before he does things. so glad to have someone so rational to handle the irrational me.

lately all my thoughts centered around my workplace
somehow i have this feeling that it's getting out of hand
i dont know what i'm doing anymore. my relationship with my boss not very good
most of the time i feel i am at loss
i hate to just give up. it doesnt feel right to give up
i like my job. i like talking to people and the occasional travelling
but the resposibility is just killing me
have to make money all the time. that's what marketing all about
and i've been spending a lot lately. it has gone to 3 digits now
it feels so good to spend. everytime i'm stress at work
i go to salon and pamper myself or buy myself very very expensive things
the latest splurge was on my moisturizer and powder. i dont have pimple problem
and yet i want to buy something very expensive on myself
so, without thinking, i went in to MAC and just bought it
god... i really should put a brake on this pampering myself thingy.
i also started to pay a little bit more attention on myself.
before raya i went to do my hair. it was very expensive... yesterday i went for facial for the very first time. planning to do nails next
definitely has to start buying shoes/sandals again.
i always wanted another baby. mainly because it is such a great distraction on my career.
but matde say no and this time he put it as "i dont think u can handle two crying babies in a car or in a mall by yourself. you know i will be very busy and u will definitely take your children anywhere even by yourself". that is so much truth in it that i think i should at least wait until he is less busy or got pregnant during his senior year.
that's why never got married with a student. i have to be very independent. last weekend i went to Banting by myself because my husband got an exam. my baby cried for 15 minutes without stopping while trying his hardest to get out of his seat. i was so scared he is going get seizure. luckily somehow i manage to calm him down and he went straight to sleep.

i like my new layout
it's simple
serve the purpose
i have another 15 min before i need to go to work
i think i want to go to work late today
what the hell..

after thinking a little bit harder last night
i figured out that i should start making myself a little bit happier by start spending
i am not a shopping kinda person. shopping during sales repels me.
queue too long, it's takes forever to try on clothes.
so, what i'm going to do next is shop whenever it's convenient and affordable
no matter whether it's a sale or not
i dont really follow fashion. so i can wear without guilty a blouse that i bought 10 years ago
my sister gave me this long skirt. it looks very old. but i like it so much that i still wear it
i asked my hubby once if he is bothered that i wear horrible outfit to work or shopping
he doesnt. so, that solve my non-shopping for clothes problem
i am more like my dad. we will simply buy whatever that we think can make our live a little easier. when i was single, i even send my clothes for pressing. dont mind paying a buck for each cloth. i'm so glad i figured that out. i'm also happy yesterday i got the chance to cut my hair short.
i've been meaning to cut my hair since last month but i simply dont have the time. one more thing that i should do is to save some money in a bank. i lovveee to save and i will actually smile when i see some of my money saved. if i cannot put aside 200, i should start with 50. as long as i am saving, i should be happy. i really hate to think that at 28, with a good job and a family, i still cannot do the things that i love. i will start with doing these small things.

since i watched Randy Pausch last lecture, i've been thinking hard about what i really want to do with my life. what is it that makes me happy
do i want to work my ass off for the rest of my life?
do i want to stay home and take care of my kids at home?
what is it that will make me truly happy and be satisfied with my life
i dont want to wager my happiness on my children nor my husband
i think it is too risky and what if they did not turn out to be what i wanted them to be?
will i be miserable forever? will i not be happy?
i need to do something for myself.
this cannot be base on someone else.
it has to be about me
when i was a kid, strangely my dream was to be a maid. i enjoy cleaning up my house so much
it's a mindless job and somehow i really liked it
then when i get a little older, i enjoy teaching people. i teach a lot when i was in high school. people basically queue up to ask questions from me. the other smart people has gone to better school. it gave me great satisfaction to see people that i taught do a little bit better in school
and i also enjoy teaching small kids. so, i think i would like to teach in kindergarten.
at least they are not rude. even if they acting up, they still looks very cute
these two dream jobs are easy to get but they pay really really low.
my current job eventhough at times can be extremely stressful, the pay is good and the office hour is somewhat negotiable. i can easily go to work late or take leave whenever i have emergency
and with a baby, this is happening quite regularly
realistically, i shouldnt quite my job as yet
even how stressful it is.. even if the boss hates me(i think).
maybe what is should do now is find a distraction
maybe a hobby will occupy my head from all these thoughts
even though i think i am not truly happy, i am still blessed to have such cute kid and a loving husband.

at this moment, i have two bosses.
one boss doesnt trust me, always think i have different agenda. fine, i always get this before. last time my senior think i'm stupid and will never do whatever i'm doing now. fine. last time my other boss think i always find excusess and always lied to him. fine. think whatever u want to think. i couldnt be bothered. why these people thinks so high of themselve and also looks down on people? by the way, all these are men. why they need to feed their ego that they are sooo much better than me? ok, i admit sometimes i can say stupid things, i can do even stupidier stuff... so, what? that's my character. why cant they guide me. instead of saying i'm not playing favorite. hello.... if u said that, meaning u realize that u are playing favorite and hoping other's not to see it. every time i think about it, i feels so angry. they act like they are so perfect. like there's nothing wrong with them....
arrgggghhhh.... if i dont think about my family and what can happen if i lost this job. i think i just show them my middle finger, storm out of the room, slammed the door and never come back.
like ashton kutcher said to cameron diaz in What Happen In Vegas "I would rather be happy doing nothing than be miserable doing what i hate".

i'm very excited... now 2 of my closest friends dah ada baby... so nanti kalau nak lepak2 tak rasa awkward to bawak baby sama
and i'm also very happy sbb most of colleague kata aku dah kurus. walaupun perut still agak buncit coz aku malas nak pakai bengkung after pantang
but i'm a little bit down coz something happen in the office. and my boss is scaring the hell out of me. and now i have to be more patient in the office. jgn pandai2 buat apa2. LOA is very important. it's ok not to do anything as long as you are not doing the wrong thing.
it's safer to not try to be a hero. i notice that is how my manager takes things in the office
and the sad thing is, he is still a manager after all this years...
and i just realize how important this job is to me and my family
just imagine what will happen if one day i got sacked? i'm the breadwinner.
even though i dont really buy things for myself. i need to distribute my money to all my family members.

oh... i am still breastfeeding at night and in the morning. and express breastmilk after lunch hour. i'm targeting till aiman 1 year old before totally stop expressing the breastmilk and just give formula. and targeting for aiman at least one and half year old to totally stop breastfeeding him... after taht... hopefully my hubby give the ok sign of having another one... it's weird.. i complaint non-stop when i was pregnant. i complaint more when aiman was born. and i still cannot forget the pain delivering him and how painful it was after it coz i pushed too hard. but after all that, i still want another cute little baby. penat camner pun, how stress i was about work, i still can push it away when i hear and see aiman laugh... :)
and just because of that, i dont mind going through all those process again....
thank you hubby for being there for me and be patient during those times... not all men can take it

i'm waiting for my flight back home to KL
this is a very nervous trip for me. 1st time leaving my 7 mth baby at home for 2 nights
everynight i sleep with him
it feels different not having him around. even though i am less tired. i still long to see him again
luckily my hubby followed. otherwise, i dont think i can sleep at all.
last time i thought i will get very cranky if i'm hungry and tired.
nowadays, i realize that i cannot be either stress/hungry/tired. bila ada 3 combination ni, better to stay away from me.... i can snap like a crazy woman anytime. so, i'm disciplaning myself to not bring work home. when i'm home. i dont care whatever happen to the world. biar la crude naik 10 dollar ker, drop 10 dollar ker... i cannot give a damn.
otherwise, i'll get crazy.

i got another 30 minutes to spend.
but got no idea to write...
ermmm... ideas... ideas....
ni la.. bila ada masa nak blogging, tiba2 takde idea pulak

bila teringat jer pasal duk kat US, sure aku tringat zaman2 matde lost...
pastu aku pun stress
bila dah berumur ni...and dah kerja.. and tau selok belok pasal kerja
and ada masa nak pikir pasal org lain
baru terpikir all the things that i can do for him then
tapi itu kisah lama
apa2 hal pun, aku still takkan bole tukar apa2
cuma skrg kena kuatkan semangat and remind myself that i can and will help him out
provided he didnt do anything stupid like having an affair or something la
itu mmg nak cari nahas jer la kan
i think i was in a way very selfish... i just want to get rid of him
i always wonder, what happen if he didnt come home
things might be very different...

i always wanted to know how it feels to be a fulltime housewife
how would it feel to get up in the morning without having to rush to the office
no traffic jem. no boss/colleague to please
no office politics to handle...
just worry what to cook for the day, if my husband will have dinner at home...
maybe one day when my hubby has started working, and we are almost ok...
i want to take one year no-pay holiday... and try to pursue other things. like being a good housewife
my hubby said, i will be a lousy one... but if u never try, u never know right???

something happened in my recently and people still talking about it
it makes me think about my relationship with my hubby
i always feel that i can be myself with him
and i always tell him. this is me... if u dont like me, just leave me.. coz i know i cannot change.
i also believe people dont change much.
u are not suppose to marry someone and expect him to change later
people normally will be themselve when they are around their significant other
getting married is one thing
staying happily married is a whole other thing
marriage is a hardwork
i dont believe we can be happily married without some effort.
that is just wishful thinking
i am glad though that my husband, despite his limitations, he is smart enough to handle me
i hope we will stay married until death do us part
and i hope i can handle all the problems that my children bring later on...
i really pity my parents. they have 8 children... and these 8 children are giving them 8 problems and sometimes they think they cant take it anymore...

i am participating at this one forum...
malaysian are generally reserve people.
most of the time we dont speak up in public
i think this is true even for managers
i came to me as a surprise that managers in my organization also will not speak up in public
for a company as established as the one i am in, i am expecting more vocal leaders, more upto date and daring leader
or maybe i was hoping too much?
being a young executive, one that just came back from overseas, i thought i can make a difference... initially i am a bold person, even if i dont know shit about something, i can put a straight face and talk about it like i know all about it... i've tried it during the last presentation skill course. but of course, i must not tell it to people who are in the same field
coz they surely know i was bullshitting all the way...
the problem was, when i think i know it, i assume that it is true.. which is not always the case. never crossed my mind to check it first. this one manager always caught me doing it. so i was shot and shot and shot down. now, i am no longer as bold.
i am quite afraid what i said will backfire. maybe one day when i am a boss. i must take the responsibility. sit in a driver seat so that i can drive myself to my desired destination
if i'm sitting on a passenger seat, god knows where i will be
normally my spirit will be fired up after a few session of motivational talks
but after 2-3 days, heheh... the fire will rekindle and slowly fading away
but this time, i will make sure i sit on the driver seat. i will put it on my table so that i will remember. i will not be the victim... must take charge of my own career.
whatever happen, i will not let my boss give me a 4 like he did last time.
i know i can be a great leader and i will definitely be one in a good time.
mainly because i loooovveeee to give people orders.. it give me a weird satisfaction after giving order... it somehow makes me feels good.....

i used to feel so stressed out pasal my baby
he cries and cries almost all the time.
i tried giving him extra milk.... nestum, whatever la... as long as he is quiet.
now the best solution is, when i think i can't take it anymore, i pass the baby to my hubby, cool down a little bit. x sampai 1/2 jam dah rindu kat baby balik. so, time tu jaga la baby jap
and now i eat and drink whatever i want
i feel like i need to reward myself for working very hard everyday
working 9-6, pump breastmilk 3 times a day, and waking up 3-4 time at night to breastfeed, taking care of baby when i got home by 7 and trying my best to help out my mother-in-law, keeping my room clean... and the list goes on and on.....
i dont think so much these days, i just do do do
being a mom is not easy but sometimes i couldnt belief it could be this hard
i need to remind myself not to get too stress out. eat whatever, when i about to feel too exhausted try to rest a little. i exploded once.. and i'm sure it wont be the last
i just hope i can control it before it ruin my life

nowadays, my appetite is still the same when i'm pregnant
worst, i can still finish up the food even when it is not tasty
almost everytime my hubby bought me food, i'll tell him how awful the food is and yet i'm able to finish it. anyway, i am still thankful coz i am losing my pregnancy weight day by day, i can wear almost all my old clothes now. still quite tight but at least can fit into it now... tak macam dulu, langsung tak bole masuk.

i got another 15 minutes break and i'm using it to write my blog
is there something wrong with me?
last year was a lott of distraction for me
got married, got pregnant, got baby. not so concentrate on my career
now everything pretty much settled
i can concentrate more on my job.
in my line of work, i need to know practically everything
for me, this can be challenging, coz it's not easy for me to remember things
i read a lot, and forget a lot too
sentiments play a huge role in pricing... u hear some explosion here and some country bombing another country and the price jump up like crazy. nowadays not necessarily price increase if demand surpass supply... fear is also a factor...
anyways, it is still pretty much interesting
will move to another department once things gets too routine here.
lucky me, i can move around anytime i want

skrg ni musim budak2 masuk asrama
everytime aku dgr one of my cousins masuk asrama, aku sure tringat time2 aku dulu
1st night i cried. aku ni tak manja ngan parents and bole di-catogerykan as independent la jugak tapi still rasa sedih bila duk jauh dari parents. so, i cannot imagine mcmana la yg manja2 tu.
my sister in law duk asrama 2 minggu, then balik ke rumah balik
before ada anak, aku rasa benda tu ridiculous giler.
tapi bila dah ada ni... make sense jugak napa the parents willing to let her home again. even though she was in Johor. in that two weeks, god knows how many times my in-laws went there.
it is sooo crazy....
i am reading this book about parenting by John D Gray. "Children are from heaven"
basically kid has 4 major temperemants, active, responsive, sensitive and one more i always forgot. anyways, he explains how to deal with each temperaments. really an eye-opening.
and very usefuls too. there are different techniques to deal with kids tantrums, how to lessen their resistance. he likes to use the word resistance a lot. how to balance between hard-love and soft-love parenting. what to say and all. i cannot really remember how my parents treated me as a child. my mom too busy with my younger siblings and my dad so busy getting enough money to survive. i cannot blame either one of them. i think i turned out great anyways. even though i am not a genius, i'm able to think. and i always have enough even though i am the bread-winner and my husband is still studying. all in all, everything is great and i am gratefull to Allah for all that he has given me all this while...... :) this is one of the days when i am feeling serreeennnee... not sure why. maybe my PMS days have passed and my hormone will rage again in the next few days...

i just came back from a finance course
initially i always thought that finance is such a boring thing... actually i still think it is
but now i see it in a very different view. it teach me a little on how to be a business woman
i know i would never start my own business
too stressful. my life is stressfull as it is and i dont need to make it worst
that course has taught me how to manage my money more efficiently.
it is not wise to save all your money. u should keep some for security and the extra we should combine it with some loan and do a little investment like in property. i am yet to have extra... all my money as of now is just enough for security... god willing, my managers are kind enough not to give me penalty for this year performance, i should get a bonus. provided that i am not expecting again (the 1st one is accidental) and not buying any property and my husband did not coax me to buy something expensive... the bonus should cover for any emergency and i will have extra.... so... maybe i can cook something up.
since my social life is diminishing right now... i think i have lots of time to do things for myself.
i am trying my best not to feel obligated to help out my MIL.
since aku menumpang, and since little i was taught that when people give something to u it is definitely not free, we must return something back... even with family, i always fell obligated to do something like clean up the kitchen, washing the dishes, lipat kain etc etc
sounds simple, but it does require my time and i can use the time to sleeppppp
i am sleep deprived. i tried giving my son formula milk at night coz i thought feeding through bottle is much faster. but it is actually easier to just give my breast coz he can fall to sleep faster.
i am trying to be a good mom. i try to handle my son gently but gentle is not in my vocabulary. i am reckless and there were times when i am endangering my son.... i really hope i can change this before something really bad happens... i wish god nothing bad will happen.

aku cuti hari ni.... yeayyyyyy
chinese new year, aku lak yg beriya iya cuti
1 feb federal day... and amik 3 hari cuti... dapat 10 hari kat rumah.... so... rasa berbaloi giler
dapat spend lebih masa skit ngan anak
sayang anak ni sgt berbeza ngan sayang benda2 lain
mcm org kata sanggup buat apa2 jerla
kalau aku tgk kakak2 aku yg garang giler ngan anak diorg pun, kalau dia benda2 tak elok jadi kat anak diorg sure risau giler... tak kirala emak tu camner.. aku rasa kalau dah namanyer anak tu, sure syg giler

alhamdullilah, aku masih berjaya bagi anak aku susu badan
walaupun letih nak pam 3 kali kat office... rasanyer bebaloi bila tgk anak sihat
and tau yg kita dpt beri yg terbaik utk anak
susu dari badan kita yg khas utk dia mmg tak dpt nak dibeli di mana2
insyallah akan aku gagahkan diri bagi dia susu badan sampai at least 6 bulan.

hari ni dah masuk third week aku masuk kerja
everyday has become a routine
breastfeed baby around 5/6 am, have some nap, get up and get ready to work, 7.30 go to work.
8 arrive at the office
8-9 express breastmilk.
9-12 buat kerja
12-1 express breastmilk
1-4 buat kerja
4-5 express breastmilk
5-6 buat kerja
6-rush back home....
7-sampai rumah
7-10 jaga anak la pulak.....
10-11 tido kan anak... and aku pun tido
sikit giler masa for myself. selalunyer during weekends, demi nak membanyakkan susu badan, aku express gak breast milk between feeds.
so, i am really really exhausted. and bila dah penat rasa nak mengamukkk jer... coz i dont get enough rest. cant wait for my child to phase out his night feeds, i think around 6-7 mth kot
alhamdullilah... skrg ni lepas breastfeed 12 mlm, the next time dia bangun around 4.30-5 am... patutla aku penat, dalam sehari, byk tu jer aku rehat sbnrnya...

welcome 2008...
it's getting easier handling my son now
dah bole agak bila dia ngantuk, lapa and saja2 nak nangis
takderla clueless sgt cam dulu
and my nipple not as sore as before... so, breastfeeding is also getting more comfortable.
alhamdullilah... malam2 pun dia tido... occasional feeding during the night. no more screams and crying until 6 am. part tu yg paling aku syukur sekali. takla rasa cam naik giler
matde pun takle menjadi target mengamuk kepenatan aku
aku takleh handle tiredness... mesti mengamuk punya.
all in all... after sometimes we sure will get use to these changes

tomorrow i will be officially 28 yrs old
reaching the big 3 O....
wow... i'm a mom now
nasib baik anak aku nyer tulang kuat
entah camner la aku handle dia. pakai angkat jer kdg2
hopefully tak tersalah urat or anthing
2007 is the most professionally-unproductive year and a very family-productive..
this year alone, on top of my 15 days annual leave, i took 7 days marriage leave, 2 weeks MC and 60 days of maternity leave..
got married and got a son.
so much is happening in 2007. definitely a year that i will not forget

taking care of my newborn is really stressing me out
everyday around 5-6pm i get very2 stressed, hungry, tired and angry and just want to yell at people. my plan to change my son's habit on sleeping in a hammock also not working very well
for days, i tried to lay him on a bed and an hour later he's awake. so, he wakes up crying.... demanding nipple to get back to sleep. he doesnt want artificial nipple. so.. my nipple get sore from too frequent suckling.
kenapala aku ikut ckp mak aku suruh letak baby dalam buai, i should just let him cry and try to put him to sleep on the bed. skrg ni aku tak tau camner nak tidurkan anak aku kat rumah mak mentua krg
dahla bilik kecik giler. aku suruh pindah bilik adik dia yg bsr skit taknak. suruh pindah rumah taknak.. kenapa la aku jerrrr yg kena mengalah. krg aku geram aku pindah jer duk rumah sendiri. sewa sendiri2... kalau laki aku sukaaaaa sgt duk rumah mak dia tu
arrggghhhhh tension nyer
my mom also not helping. x bole buat tu la, mandi kena pukul 5 ptg jugak. kena pakai bengkungla, maghrib kena pangku baby la... mcm2 la... rimass.. biarla aku buat apa yg aku nak. tension tul. kenapa suma ni men"tension"kan aku ni????
dahla anak aku ni asyik melalak jer. baru bangun tido, dah termuntah2 minum susu, dah tukar diaper, pun nangis jugak. sakit kepala aku. macam ni bole ke aku handle sorg lagi? i thought pregnancy is difficult enough. it took me about 4-5 mths to finally accept the fact that i'm pregnant and about to become a mom soon. i'm 27 years old and i should be ready. most people already have 2-3 kids by this age. laki aku taula pulak tak selesa duk rumah mentua. dia ingat aku ni seronok sgt duk rumah mak dia... baik aku stop sblm keluar benda2 lain aku nak complain

Ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi cubaan ini.

ada baby ni mmg betul2 memenatkan
kdg2 aku cuma dapat tido 3 jam jer sehari...
bila nak lelap jer dia jaga
pastu kena susukan, tukar diaper, burp kan... kalau tak, muntah2
nasib baik ada buai. tapi aku nak dia stop guna buai. so, gonna try my very best to change his habit. skrg ni try slow2 tidokan dia tanpa buai
aku rasa it's a great accomplishment kalau aku berjaya biar dia tido atas tilam
dulu boleh. tapi since dia tido dalam buai ni
kalau letak kat atas tilam jer sure bangun
tapi senang skit nak tido kan kalau dalam buai
takper, aku masih ada dalam 1 bulan lagi nak try change all this
with my strong will, i'm confident i can do it
tapi kalau anak aku ni strong willed jugak susah la
jadi contest of will la pulak

anak aku skrg dah start meragam.
the 1st 2 weeks, dia elok jer... lepas menyusu... terus tido
skrg ni dah start berjaga. kdg2 berjaga mlm, kdg2 siang, kdg2 maghrib.
kalau time malam tu, ada naik mengamuk jugak aku
dahla ngantuk giler.... pastu kena tenangkan dia.
aku dah susukan dia 2 jam. pastu dia mcm tak puas jugak, aku kasi susu formula... still tak tido, aku kasi puting, dia taknak.
patutla kdg2 mak2 ni asyik hangin jer
mana tak nyer, kena layan kerenah anak
skrg ni, aku mmg takkan judge any mother yg agak bengis kat anak dia (i used to judged them)
mmg menjaga baby ni satu pekerjaan yg sgt2 mencabar. silap2 boleh jadi giler... insyallah aku masih waras by the time anak aku 7-8 mths
hopefully by then dia nyer schedule dah ok.
kalau still tak tido malam. aku rasa aku bole pengsan kat office.
not that i have many work to do... still, i have to read a lot. reading makes me very very sleepy.

i dont know that breastfeeding is a very hard work
all the books i read, it seems that it is the most natural and easy thing to do
if i dont breast feed the baby, my breast will engorge, believe me, it can be soooo bigg... i'm wearing bra with cup C at least. and it will hurt like crazy.
but then if u feed the baby too frequently, ur nipple might be sore, craked, and even bleed.
when it is sore, it is also painful when the baby suck. at least until he taste the milk and starts sucking
there are times when i think i just want to give up breast feeding and give formula.
that will make my life much much easier.
but then, i want to loose weight fast. it was claimed for every feed, u'll use up lots (dont know exactly how much) of claories.
and it is claimed that breast milk is the best for baby and i want to give the best all the time.
my husband is bottle fed since he is infant and he catches cold so easily. i dont want that to happen to my child. so, as my colleague said, when breast feeding, we must persevere. now i understand what she means....
she never really tells me that it is difficult. like always, i bet different people experience different things. my mom said my sister's dont experience any sore/cracked nipple when she was breast feeding
i read somewhere that the soreness and engorgement will last for a couple of days coz the nipple is adjusting to the new activity. so... i'm really hoping it will come true. and i hope i dont have to top up my child breast milk with formula. sometimes when he is too hungry, he gets very angry and will not suck my breast anymore. and this is very frustrating.

i'm sleepy but i'm still waiting my son to wake up so that i can feed him.

today is my 8th day as a mom
everyday is a new experience to me
all i do is feed the baby, pump my breast (the one cracked and need healing), change the baby, and try to get some rest before doing it all over again in the next few hours
newborn needs to feed so frequently... it's very tiring

for nine months, aku dah went through lots of changes to my body and mental. for me pregnancy is not as easy as some people. first three months, puking none stop. 2nd three months, getting use to bulging stomach and third three months hot flashes.. believe me... sometimes i think the heat can kill me.. not to mention how mentally demanding i was. i craved attention like crazy. it's a wonder matde didnt go crazy over it. i think one of the reason he likes me is because i am not clingy. anyways, i'm glad both of us finally got through it.

then the delivery. i was admited on 7th pm. induced on 8th am. could sleep the whole night even though matde was there. by 6.30 am i was induced. anxiously waiting for the pain to come. it came very slowly... around 11 am... then it started to get worst by evening... by around 5 pm, dilated only 2cm.. so.. wait some more... by 7 pm i was sent to labor room. 8-9 pm, i was so tired... and in great pain(at that time)... asked for epidural. doctor warned me that when she break the waterbag, it will be painful. i got contraction when doctor tried to put in the needle, after 4 tries, my lower half is numb. doc gave me another 4 hours to get 7 cm dilation. thanks to epidural, got some rest. by 2.30... i'm dilated 5 cm only. have to wait some more. by 3 am... the pain really kicks in. it is as if i wasnt on epidural... luckily matde went in to see me. i asked him to accompany me. the pain was too great for me at that time that i cried. mengucap semua... alhamdullilah by 4 am dilated 9 cm. aku push sekuat hati... all i want is for the baby to come out as fast as possible... 4-5 pushes... baby pun kuar... aku rasa kalau tak dilated jugak, mmg kena ceaserean. nasib baik tak perlu. otherwise, all those contraction pains is all for nothing. different people have different pain threshold. mine is very low. sakit perut biasa2 pun aku bising. ni kan pula sakit bersalin. lagila aku bising.

aku bersyukur aku berjaya melalui semua ni. even though aku dah 27 tahun, i still feel i am not ready to become a mother. but if u really think about it. u will never be ready for something like this. and everyone (at least matde's side) is so excited about the baby. so.. i guess we did the right thing.

have to think positively, always say good things about the child. maklumla, kata2 ibu ni mcm doa. kita takleh nak ckp sembarangan. insyallah anak aku akan jadi anak yg soleh, berjaya idup dunia dan akhirat, doakan ibu bapa dia bila dah takder nanti. aminnnnnnn

another antenatal check-up today
so, spending a couple of hours in starbucks
have been following the crude prices.. even though out of the office
looks like it's going to touch USD100 soon
when that happen, i'm pretty damned sure that gas price will increase by next year.
at least after election. dalam newspaper pun dah start talking how much the government is spending for subsidy alone this year.
that is one indication that it is very very likely gas price will increase
by how much? i have no idea
it's crazy really.... people are speculating crude prices. and because of this, the price increase and everything else increases. rich people get richer and poor people get poorer.
gaji naik byk mana pun takkan cukup.
duit duit di mana ko duit?
i am not a big spender. i rarely buy cloth or anything. but still i just have enough
cannot imagine how those people that need to buy branded, expensive clothes all the time to feel good about themselves survive.
either they stop eating all together or live on credit cards. which is very2 damaging.
aku bersyukur aku dapat settlekan credit card bill on time.
else.... mmg takkan berjaya settlekan sampai bila2
anyways, back to crude price... last few months i attended this technical analysis class. the lecturer commented that price will be around USD65. after that class, i've been waiting patiently for it to happen.
but never happened... it went up and up and up..... so, even though he has been doing it forever and most likely able to predict simply by looking at graph... u never know of what the future will be. so.. i dont think i'll be going to his class again. coz he is just everyone here... speculating.
sometimes he gets it right, and sometimes he gets it wrong
it's a circle of life.
i want to read new book, what do u recommend?

i had some discussion with my hubby last nite
we were talking about if we only have 2 kids, what happen if one of the kids gone bad, or decided to move to another country or whatever la...
he said something that is very practical that the practical me never think of before.
we as parents must always remember that we dont own the kids. like it or not, they will always have their own mind. and most likely will do whatever they like.
we are responsible to guide them, give them security, try our best to give the best in the world. if somehow, they still screw up, then we need to learn to let go and just let life take it course. human are shaped by their surroundings. there are 1001 influence that can get to them. we can only protect them so much.
somehow these thoughts give me a little peace of mind... takla aku cuak sgt. i watched this one movie... one mother said that mother's love is an impossible love. she will do everything in her power to protect her kids even if the kids hate it sooo much. which i think is sooo true. i wish i wont held my children hostage just for carrying them in my womb for 9 months. they wont remember it and they wont know unless they experience it themselve. like i am now. only now i can emphatize with all mothers and appreciate how difficult it is to be pregnant.
i think if i want, i can write down endless list of complaints in these past 9 months. there were also times when i broke down in tears because i thought i cannot go through this anymore... when it becomes too painful and all... but as always, live have to move on. coz i'm sure there are people out there that has it much worst than me.
right now, aku berdoa aku akan melahirkan a healthy, smart child, takder cacat cela.... sihat tubuh badan, sempurna akal fikiran.... amin......

skrg ni aku mcm berminat tgk drama melayu... mcm citer jelatang (tuesday night) and also SpaQ (mon-tue 6.30-7.30). macam makin menarik issue2 dia. or maybe i just lovvveee drama. ikut peredaran umur kot. masa teenagers, suka tgk beverly hills 90120 (drama gak tu), all those funny series, actually still like till now. skrg ni dah masuk fasa drama2 melayu
to tell the truth, i dont think it's too bad. ada storyline, ada conflicts and takla pasal cinta 2 org jer..

today dah masuk 10 hari aku amik MC, menuggu hari nak bersalin. sebelum amik MC lagi aku dah agak, sure akan bosan nak mampos nyer... tapi suma org kat opis dah suruh aku amik cuti. aku jalan pun mcm tak larat. pelik aku, baby tu... makin lama makin berat lak. aku rasa kalau ikutkan, masih ada can nak jadi 4 kg by the time aku deliver. scary nyer... 2 of my sisters pun besar2 gak baby diorg. but i am not as tall as them. hopefully bole la deliver ngan selamatnyer. anyways, my hubby is still a student and tak dpt nak hantar aku gi kerja sbb dia blaja kat bangi and aku kat KL. just imagine kalau aku sakit time tgh kat jln tun razak yg jem nak mampus tu. plus jln dia agak berbukit. dahla keta bukan auto. aku taknak naik keta org lain. always bad luck. so, boring tak boring, terpaksala aku duk diam2 kat rumah and tunggu and tungguu......

dalam masa 2 minggu ni dah 2 buku and one reader's digest from cover to cover. selalunyer only one book per month. itupun kalau aku baca hari2. sepatutnyer aku lebihkan baca quran kan?
ish, apala aku ni... patutnyer banyakkan ibadah... doa... so that anak aku ni akan jadi anak yg soleh dan berjaya dalam hidup. to at least inherit some of the best qualities aku and matde. coz me and matde are truly 2 different people. kalau suma macam matde, susah gak... kalau suma macam aku, pun takleh gak. pening kepala aku nak control dia krg.

oraitla... nak browse2 nama baby lak. havent got a clue what to name my child.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri
i am now 36th week pregnant
about another 2-3 weeks to give birth
i'm sooo scared.
what if i cant be a good mom?
what if i cannot take care of my own child?
so many doubts so little time

it's 8.15 and i'm still in the office
i also not sure why i am soooo rajin
maybe because i only work in the evening and my mind is just starting to work
actually my hubby is not at home yet
and i forgot to take the key
it's so difficult for me to get a good sleeping position now that my stomach is bulging.
i dont really get good night sleep
so.. i tend to have a very bad mood in the morning
and now my baby is kicking like crazy
soon he wont have any room to move around
i know i need to get food very soon
maybe he is getting hungry
so scary to think that i will be a mom very soon
currently i'm reading Haruka Murami Short stories
it's a very interesting book. each story is very different and unique.
japanase people have very creative mind
or maybe they are such focus people and make sure that when they do something
they will do it excellently

getting sick when u are pregnant is very very tough.
in normal circumstances, i will get well in 3 days, 2 days with medicine.. today is the fourth day i am taking my med and it is almost finished but i am still not feeling well.
so, next time when u are pregnant, make sure u dont fall sick. everything aches.
luckily i went for a massage on saturday. the "tukang urut" betulkan my baby position and it does not feel so heavy now. i can walk without feeling the need to support my stomach anymore.

if u somehow think u need your hubby's attention... tell him so. dont ever think they can read between the lines. men are not designed to understand subtlety... unless he is super sensitive. and when can u meet this kind of men right? maybe never. even if i found one. i wont want to marry him. i should be the one who needs the attention 24-7 and not him. hehe..

haha... second entry in a day
promised my husband to call him about an hour ago. but my roomie is still on the phone and i dont feel like calling him while she's on the phone.
have u guys read the last Harry Potter book?
i found it soooo very interesting
not wasting time on silly2 things. JK Rowling is truly a genius. any person that has that high imagination is truly genius.
this year two book series that i have been reading will end. one is harry potter and another one is Sword of the truth... that one will come out in November.
after that... what to read aaa?
tak best la ini macam
had french food just now. 8 courses... 3 hours to finish all the courses.. the portion is very small but since it is over 3 hours, the brains gave signal that the stomach is already full
so, the theory that u should eat very little and wait for awhile is true. u shouldnt eat too much at one time. luckily this particular customer is very friendly and not at all boring, 3 hours is not as tiring... tomorrow i will have a lonnnngggg dayyy.... will be on duty from 7-11pm. need to fully utilize my social intelligence skill.
social intelligence skill class is soooo boring... i really hope i dont have to attend anymore.
everything is sooo civilized and what considered civilized normally based on english culture....
i have nothing against english culture... really... but i still prefer to talk to asian than mat saleh... dont know why... maybe because i am also an asian? hehe
okla.. time to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i'm in singapore again........
for the last time before giving birth
since i'm quite heavy, i take it very slowly.....few meetings a day. takyah sesak2 nafas.
actually baru ada sdua meeting since i arrived yesterday.
and dua2 breezy jer
ohhh... forgot nak close one deal. need to make the call soon.
sometimes i just want to lie down... okla.. i lied.. i want to lie everyday
heard that one of my business associate passed away yesterday after playing badminton
it is such a shock i couldnt sleep
i started to hear people drop dead for no reason lately
this is sooo scary. looking at my own ibadah. not doing it enough. i'm still struggling to pray 5 times a day
dont know what happen to me. why is it so easy for someone but so damn hard for me.
even if i dont have anything to do... i was just soooo lazy. lazy to do anything.
lately i have successfully psycho myself to go to work. u see, i got their scholarship, so this is just like paying a debt. so... it boosted my morale a little bit. enough for now. got one more meeting. have to put my smiling face and be very very friendly for about 2-3 hours.

Honeymoon turned out great.
i was initially skeptical on the trip. for the obvious reason... i will be going to a much lesser luxury hotels.. you see.. i am sooo use to 5 star hotels. and i thought i wont enjoy the beach. but i did... it was soo much fun. i am not fit.. so, we only walked for about 4-5 hours before i beg matde to bring me home. but in overall i hadd FUN. looking forward for my next trip.

i am finally going to my honeymoon...
this would be the first time i go anyway with hubby and could be the last one for a very long time
maybe the next one after my baby at least 1 years old
malas la nak jalan2 ngan baby ni. leceh

i could not imagine anyone going through pregnancy without the support of her hubby. expecting mothers gone through extreme changes mentally and physically
they become cranky... tired, body ache all the times... it's such a new experience.
i have about 4 months to go and have started counting the days
cannot have bad thoughts, bad mouths or bad anything.

ermm.. so tired right now
but really wanted to share something..

i'm blogging on a daily basis now.. hehe
this is mainly because i recently (last thursday) got a laptop and a constant internet connection.
cannot blogging in the office even though i have tremendous of free time (bossless since 1st June) coz my place is right in front of the office entrance and everyone can see me.
i think for now, i want to start blogging again to improve my writing.
well.. there's nothing really good about my writing but at least i can try to get my ideas out.
and the speaking part, it has become so manglish that it makes it sooo difficult to get words out
godd... i really need to be surrounded by english speaking people again (i.e US)
and i do need to start to find other things to talk about except matde.
he is my husband now and a very good one.
nothing much to blame on him.
i really hope my child will be like him, easy to handle
but on managing finance will follow my lead..
well.. maybe on certain things.. coz when i really want something, i dont care how much i spent as long as i get it but only if i can afford it
i really need to start excersizing... i am currently 57kg.. that is so damn heavy.
i'm afraid i can shed it off later
maybe later i'll do some shopping around orchard road. it hurts to walk or sit down more than 1 hour now
i must start swimming again. swimmm... swimmm away. tapi goggle lak tak bawak. see, there is always reasons for me for not swimming. the truth is, i am damn lazy.
maybe next time i will start writing something more useful.
something philosophical... people said it's good for the baby's development if i think a lot and try to be as cheerful as possible.
cheerful is good.

hari ni aku kat singapore.
still rasa tak best cam biasa
aku pun pelik kenapa
lately... actually for the past couple of months aku cam rasa tak best jer
not sure why
last time because i thought i need a change in my career
i did change it
then, i thought because my life too mundane
but i'm expecting... so, what could cause the feeling of unworthiness?
maybe because aku tak jaga sgt solat
rasa hati kurang tenang
mungkin... should try to pray 5x a day... but i dont know why it is soooo difficult
ada jer yg tertinggal.
this is seriously not good
maybe i also should do like masa aku kat high school.
hati sgt tenang even though aku selalunyer x excel in school
since high school i have this notion that u dont have to be the best at what u do
just make sure u finish it...see it through the end
give ur best effort and in the end bertawakal..
and everthing else insyallah will be fine... betul tak HUBBY? hehehe...
AKU KELAPARAN......

skrg ni aku dah 4 bulan pregnant and my stomach is getting bigger by the day. mmg suma org dah notice. tak kirala berapa besar baju aku pakai.
alhamdullilah, i am feeling better now... more accepting of this motherhood thingy. maybe sbb dapt positive respond dari kawan2 and colleague. apparently, there are quite a number of people in my office yg having difficult time conceiving. so, i guess, it's ok to get pregnant now then having problems later. i guess different people got diff problem.
like me, no problem conceiving but financially not too strong. mcm org lain, duit ada tapi susah lak nak dpt baby...so, i shouldnt really complaining
awal2 dulu mmg byk giler complaint coz my body is adjusting. but now i'm feeling much better. even aku nyer appetite pun dah cam normal balik. takderla kena ada food every 2 hours and dont puke that much too.
trasa mcm best pulak tgk baju2 pregnant. maybe sbb dah lama tak beli baju. aku jenis takkan shop without reason and dah lama aku rasa cam takder sbb utk shopping
since skrg ni mmg perlu.... mcm2 aku beli. bila membeli tu, bukannyer kisah sgt how much i spend. it feels like masa aku mula2 turun berat bdn ngan drasticnyer kat US. in one day i spent USD300 and it feels so good to spend money for myself.
alamak, laki aku dah bising. kitorg tgh plan pasal honeymoon ni. kalau tak gi skrg, mmg takkan gi... so, calos...
some of the clothes, i still wear till now.
bila baby dah kuar nanti, sure lagi byk aku shop.. excited nyer... hehe..

sudah 3 bulan jugak aku tak update blog. since 8th march, aku dah nikah, mengandung and also bersanding cuma majlis bertandang ke rumah mentua jer belum lagi.

mula2 mmg agak sukar nak trima hakikat yg aku akan jadi mak. tapi sikit2 dah bole trima. lagipun umur dah 27. if not now, when right? so, i guess i just make the best of it. getting pregnant is not an easy thing. aku rasa org yg mengandung jer paham camner perasaan mengandung. karang panjang pulak complaint aku kat sini :) i hope my pregnancy and delivery will be ok. insyallah lepas raya nanti bersalin.

majlis sanding pun dah selesai. alhamdullilah... baju yg aku buat fitting 2 minggu sudah masih muat. dalam 1 bulan jer aku nyer berat naik 3 kg. badan time tu macam di pam2. semua benda nak makan and i eat every 2-3 hours. kalau tak, sure muntah... ok, i better stop there... and nasib baik mak aku stuju ngan color yg aku pilih. dia nak tema gold sbnrnya. tapi in the end jadi tema colorfull like always....

kehidupan selepas berkahwin...
so far so good

every couple akan bergaduh sooner or later
i notice that cara bergaduh and cara nak baik balik berubah over time after dah together for this long
dulu masa sblm kahwin/tunang, we fought about the smallest things
then masa tunang, we fought about a little bigger things
and now bila dah kawin, we fought for much bigger things and for a shorter period of time
maklumla, dah berkongsi hidup..
one way or the other you definitely will get annoyed

the most important thing is for the husband to try and understand the wife and vice versa
but i would prefer if the husband the one doing all the understanding
i read one article yesterday.. dia cakap, most of the time, it is much much easier to be mean and evil but it takes so much effort to be a nice person.

i just hope i can be a better person for my family and husband
sometimes i am so emotional that i cannot think straight
or get so upset about something and cannot really explain why
that really driving me crazy

hehe....
aku nak kawin dah weekend ni..
kali ni mcm improve skit la..
preparation in 3 weeks. tunang dulu 1 minggu jer
ada la jugak rasa cam nak demam masa kemas rumah tu
dahla kakak aku baru bersalin. nama anak dia Nurkhairunnisa Mardiah
mak aku pun cam dah naik demam. siannn dia terpaksa melayan karenah anak dia yg sorg ni. dah la tak reti2 nak plan awal2.

1 week matde settle kan dia nyer application
1 day aku settlekan aku nyer application
1.5 weeks kemas rumah+beli hantaran+gubah hantaran
hantaran aku tu mmg kelakar skit la sbb aku fail bab2 color coordination ni
so, mcm2 color ada. gold, merah, kuning, ijau, biru... so, tema dia, colorful.
yg matde nyer aku ada ternampak ari tu... ungu suma..baju kitorg warna ungu.

benda2 yg aku kena buat lepas ni:
1. xleh kutuk matde kat sini-kena beli diary
2. kena balik kelantan time raya-sucks
3. kena tinggal ngan famili dia-still trying to get use to the idea

wish me luckkkk

hehe....
aku nak kawin dah weekend ni..
kali ni mcm improve skit la..
preparation in 3 weeks. tunang dulu 1 minggu jer
ada la jugak rasa cam nak demam masa kemas rumah tu
dahla kakak aku baru bersalin. nama anak dia Nurkhairunnisa Mardiah
mak aku pun cam dah naik demam. siannn dia terpaksa melayan karenah anak dia yg sorg ni. dah la tak reti2 nak plan awal2.

1 week matde settle kan dia nyer application
1 day aku settlekan aku nyer application
1.5 weeks kemas rumah+beli hantaran+gubah hantaran
hantaran aku tu mmg kelakar skit la sbb aku fail bab2 color coordination ni
so, mcm2 color ada. gold, merah, kuning, ijau, biru... so, tema dia, colorful.
yg matde nyer aku ada ternampak ari tu... ungu suma..baju kitorg warna ungu.

benda2 yg aku kena buat lepas ni:
1. xleh kutuk matde kat sini-kena beli diary
2. kena balik kelantan time raya-sucks
3. kena tinggal ngan famili dia-still trying to get use to the idea

wish me luckkkk

this blog mainly serve sebagai tmpt utk aku melepaskan kemarahan
i have so much anger in me that i need a place to lash out.
unfortunately, almost all the time i was angry at my fiance
whenever he seems not to get it that i am super mad even after screaming + kicking, i have no choice but to lash it out here.
so, that was what happen with the last entry

my fiance is not a bad person and i'm sure all my friends and his finds him gentle and always try to accomodate people even when he dont have the resources to do so. which sometimes irritates me. if you cannot do it, just say so.... but maybe it is not in his nature
i have to say that the both of us is sooo very different. macam langit and bumi la org kata.

ok... gtg

this blog mainly serve sebagai tmpt utk aku melepaskan kemarahan
i have so much anger in me that i need a place to lash out.
unfortunately, almost all the time i was angry at my fiance
whenever he seems not to get it that i am super mad even after screaming + kicking, i have no choice but to lash it out here.
so, that was what happen with the last entry

my fiance is not a bad person and i'm sure all my friends and his finds him gentle and always try to accomodate people even when he dont have the resources to do so. which sometimes irritates me. if you cannot do it, just say so.... but maybe it is not in his nature
i have to say that the both of us is sooo very different. macam langit and bumi la org kata.

ok... gtg

this entry is seriously long overdue...

today i am 27 years old and 18 days.... wow... how can i be this old. in a couple of years i will be 30 years. damn... not that i mind being older. i think i even embrace it. at least now i have my own car. that is a real achievement. other than that everything is status quo. matde still cant marry me... or wont.. god knows when i will get married. so in the mean time i'll just scout around just in case. we never know right? hehe..

career wise, i think i'll just go with the flow. there's no point fighting it. daripada takder kerja. i might as well try to learn as much as possible. maybe kalau dah bosan, bole kerja and jaga anak. ok... i seriously have to stop thinking about marriage coz it is not going to happen at least in the next three years.

tahun ni aku nak jadi health conscious. so, i start eating breakfast. makan sikit jer kalau takder customer belanja. mestila makan byk kalau org belanja kan? travel as much is i can. my plan to go to hong kong need to be deferred. fuck. ingatkan bole gi next week but i might need to move into another department. i want to travel more. go to beaches and become a bitch there.. spend more money. no point saving it anymore. it's not like i'm going to get marry anyway.. ok.. stop.

i'm looking forward to NEW challenges this year. aku rasa aku bole start beli rumah by next year.. i think i can afford it by then.
yeay.. new house, new car

i am currently at hyatt, jakarta. the room and bathroom is marvelous. hope i can stay here for the next four nights. but i'm heading to sumatra and will only be back on thursday night. arrived yesterday and the road wasnt very busy. last time when i visited vietnam, i arrived during peak hours. motorcycle are4 everywhere. and the honks never stop. i can say jakarta is a very interesting place to be. feels like i'm at klang. jakarta pusat tak macam KL. where the roads are nicely planned out. or maybe i'm not use to it yet?

heard in the news that sumatra di landa banjir. hopefully the place i'm going is not going to be affected. since my boss dont mind his staff travelling to all these places, aku dah planned out dah aku nyer trips. he he... next stop is hong kong, philippines, singapore and japan. hehe... takper kot sbb aku yg jaga budget department aku and i know how much is there to spend.

wish me luck. i like travelling but i just hate flying. planes scares me easpecially the take off and landing.

hopefully next year i can go to europe side. never fancy the states that much since i've been there four 4 years and nothing new to see.

the last three books i read about psycho people. aku ni suka baca slow2.. so that aku bole bayangkan the situation and all.. and so that i wont finish it too fast. or else i have to buy a new book. for the past two years, i just have to have a book that i am still reading. in average i read 1 book per month... anyway, these books are very interesting books. one about this psychiatrist who kills his own patient savagely, the second is about a boy who is crazy from birth and shoots 11 people including his own father and sister and the third one is about a a guy suffering from schizepronia. all these books are interesting. but the problem is sometimes when i am too absorbed, it gets into my head a little. which is scary. i'm afraid, what if one day i loose my mind.

matde told me that it is actually a bless to lose your mind because you wont even care about other things anymore. just imagine... nothing to worry about.. because believe me, when you are sane, even if you dont have anything to worry about... you'll worry about life being not challenging enough. or was it just me? i sometimes feels bored when everything goes my way. since almost 90% of the time whatever i planned or predicted will not go as it should be. i think since before ramadhan, not a single thing that i planned worked. or maybe i was just thinking too much again..

one more crazy story that i hope i can find in MPH is "In cold Blood". Dlm citer capote, dia tulis citer ni. aku pun tak sure capote tu is a real person or not? but one of the author in that movie wrote "To Kill a Mockingbird" so i guess "In cold Blood" must be around somewhere. after that, i should just stop reading this kind of books or you guys have to start visiting me at Tanjung Rambutan.

ohh.. aku tgh gilerkan Korean series right now.. currently watching My Girl and My Lovely Sam Soon. I cried watching both series. Ohh.. i am such a big crier.. ok.. have to blame that on Matde. he made my life soooo miserable (did i spell that right boro, rush?) since the first day we met...

*matde told me he will kill me if i ever say bad things about him in my blog*. let's see if i'm still alive next week when he comes back from kelantan..

i learn a thing or two about friendship today.

today, i truly believe that if someone looks like he likes you, he might actually not because there's always something that tick us off. i sometimes do it too to couple of people in my office which i can say, i truly hate but i tolerated anyway because i have to work with them. btw, you are not one of them, judd. whatever gossip u hear from anyone in the office, you are still my good friend and i like to keep it that way. so, ignore them.... and i have to admit i can be a little bit bitchy sometimes. i can sometimes sense they hate working with me too for my bossiness and bithciness

seriously, i read one very disturbing comment about boro in judd's blog that i am so shocked to hear (comment tu dah tutup sbb dah jadi out of hand). wow... i still cannot believe it till now. does he hates me too and only tolerated me because he is a good friend of my fiancee... i know i can be very defensive sometimes when it comes to my very good girl friends easpecially boro, elly and rush and also a couple girls from high school. it could be my feminism or PMS talking when one of my friends were attacked like that. God, how can you attack your friend when she is only saying how interesting the issue has been? ok.. maybe i am just asking to be attacked too. there was one time i got into an argument with a friend an he told me i was "not toughtfull and he would rather spent time with other people than me" and i cried for like 2 days. i was so sad to hear something as unexpected as that. so, i cannot imagine what boro is feeling right now for being called like that unexpectedly.

Sometimes, we just have to stop and ponder how cruel your friend can be..

Btw, aku dah takleh nak tgk comment side tu... tak tau kenapa kena block. so.. kalau korg tanya2 aku tak jawab tu... mintak maaf la yer.....

just imagine, u have been slaving yourself for 10, maybe 15 years. coming exactly at 8 am and leaving about 8-9 pm. you do this every single weekdays without fail. you finished all the required assignments, projects, paperworks on time. you never mess up your job. in other words, you did your job well. you never complain when one of colleague mess up his job and you have to clean the shit. every year, during assesment you do not merit because your boss said you were just doing your job and thus, will not be granted any thing more than a normal yearly raise. fine... u said... maybe that's true. you see people move around, go from one place to another. you ask your boss that u wanted to move too and he said you should stay to become expert of what you're doing. after much thought and consideration, you decided to stay.... until one day, u just cannot see where you are going anyway, got very frustrated and started acting out. your boss started to think you are useless and all the 10-15 years of hardwork as nothing.

so, why work so hard? why spend so much time in the office working? why trying your ass off to impress your boss?

i can see clearly now that all effort are useless... fruitless and whatever. stop trying too hard and start having fun a little. i started working with the idea "i want to make a difference" but end up with "how much difference can i make?"

hujan sgt lebat kat luar. aku malas lagi nak balik. jap lagi kot. the road must be sooo bad... and i'm not feeling too well.
i really need to get out of this office but why am i still here?

aku ni tergolong dalam category perempuan2 yg sgt suka berfikir. aku sgt suka berfikir benda2 yg bukan2 sampai sakit kepala aku. masa aku kecik, aku kena gi sekolah naik basikal dalam 10-15 minit camtu sbb aku lembab and aku sorg pompuan kat kawasn rumah aku, aku kena naik basikal sorg2. bila dah sorg2 tu, mcm2 la aku fikir. aku rasa dari situla aku mula dpt habit aku nih.

berfikir yang bukan2 ni memenatkan. dan membuatkan kita tak efficient. contohnyer, kalau aku byk fikir di malam hari, aku susah nak tido and akan bangun lambat. pastu bila dah bangun, aku sambung balik benda yg aku fikirkan. bila dah sampai office, kepala aku dah pusing and tak dpt nak selesaikan problem2 kat office. keja aku kat office ni menyelesaikan masalah jer. takpun cuba larikan diri dari masalah... so skrg ni aku kadang kala diserang migrain. so, i have decided not to think anymore... at least not the one worth thinking about or the one that i cannot do anything about. like why matde still dont want to marry me eventhough we are engaged for almost 1 and half yr, why i still cannot bring myself to see my x without remorse...

all i want to do now is learn how to spend my money wisely or not

bulan posa adalah bulan yg paling best kat tmpt kerja aku. bole balik kul 4 and almost every day aku balik pukul 4.

aku nak balik... dah takder benda nak buat and takder mood gak ni. tapi colleague aku suruh tunggu la pulak. siot tul la... malasssss

i'm at Bintulu... hari ni nak balik. wuhhh... it was sooo tiring. all those eating and meeting. and aku terlupa langsung yg org kat sarawak tak dpt 8tv... rasa cam nak nangis jer semalam sbb tak dpt nak tgk DH.. i missed one siri, tidak....

last two nights, aku baru balik dari lepak2 ngan matde around 11 pm... it was a longggg day, a little bit dissapointed with my current financial status and so damn tired... balik2 and masuk bilik air and there it was one huge chunk of hairs and the smell, eiiyuuuu.... and on top of it, ada note."kepada yg berkenaan, tolong buang rambut yg baru dekeluarkan oleh plumber". sapa lagi, aku la tuh... aku kan baru menyewa kat situ, mana bole kumpul rambut banyak tu. kalau kumpul 2 thn rambut aku saja pun belum tentu byk camtu... sial betul tuan rumah ... aku punya la marah. takleh ker buang sendiri? or mintak plumber masukkan dalam plastic.. i cannot just let it go..

so, as a revenge, i decided not to close the toilet door after i used it. that annoys her so much... i don't know why... mmg ada note tertampal kat bilik air "tolong tutup atau rapatkan pintu toilet". and note tu bergerak dari belakang pintu, ke tepi pintu skrg dpn pintu masuk. so, i know it really really irritate her.. and aku akan bukak pintu toilet tu besar2 seblum aku kuar... padan muka.

satu lagi benda yg aku akan buat ialah takkan buang sampah sampai dia berulat2 and berbau giler babi. i know that will drive her crazy...

i used to be a very good tenant. buang sampah everyday, tutup pintu as requested, bayar bill on time. even pay that astronomically high electrical bill. she has an air cond in her room. and now, she mess with me i cannot just sit still.... i might be over-reacting as always, but i simply don't give a damn anymore.

if that small thing can make me retaliate, just imagine if my land is being taken by someone and that someone want to impose his rule on me.

-edited-
aku dah tak marah sgt dah.. so, i think i should just delete this hateful entry...

last weekend i just realized that kisah cinta mawi n ina sgt2 la digembar gemburkan. maklumla, i don't read newspaper... jauh sekali mengikuti melodi.. the only tv show that i follow religiously is desperate housewife.

after reading some of the comments/stories, i just can't seem to put it out of my mind. as usual, i will side after ina. i can understand her woes. she is this simple kampung girl... feels very insecure about her recently very famous tunang. and dia tak dpt contact tunang dia berbulan2. come on la kan... cut her some slack. kalau aku tak dpt contact tunang aku pun, aku naik hangin. aku rasa lagi teruk aku buat dari apa yg ina buat tu. it's only natural yg si ina tu akan mendesak2 mawi.

i think it is very unfair for mawi to just dump her like that. dulu masa susah, bole la pulak nak bertunang ker apa... ni dah senang, senang2 jer tinggalkan minah tu. she is just being a simple minded-jealous girl. aku ni mmg feminist. dulu aku suka gak ngan mawi, lagu dia and all. now i don't have any respect for him for doing it to another woman.

things like this, always makes me wonder. do all guys like that? bila susah dia akan cari org yg sanggup idup susah ngan dia. tapi bila dah senang, dia tinggalkan org yg kurang menarik yg sanggup bersusah payah ngan dia... and go to another more interesting girl yg hanya tau abiskan duit dia. and then the muka sialnyer menyebut "i don't see this coming honey"...

i always believe two people will stay in a relationship if there are like a symbiotic relationship between the two. it won't work if one party needs the other one while the other doesn't. u see, i have my insecurities tooo...

the world is scary....

skrg ni tgh duk menumpang kat bilik adik aku kat ukm. ada course kat permata... ada internet lak tu... best giler.. cam kat US lak. aku mmg jarang rindu kat umich or live at US. it's always better here because of my family are here... 2 benda jer.. okla 3 yg aku kdg2 terrindu2 kat. 1. rollercoaster, 2. good place for blading during spring time, 3. the whitness after one snowing nite. tiga benda ni susah giler nak dt kat malaysia.

tapi lucky i have a fiancee that's so understanding (i really do think my rantings at this blog really works..), he took me to this place in putrajaya and we went roller-blading together... it's not much but that's only because i'm afraid of slopes... so, gi jalan2 skit2 jerla. napa la diorg ni tak buat jalan yg cantik dan ber-tar macam kat fuller park tu. lama tul tak rasa keseronokan ber-blading ni. kalau ada jogging track pun jalan dia tak smooth. sakit kaki ku...

i'm not very good with sports. aku tak reti nak main netball pun. bola sepak jrg harap la... the only sports i enjoy is roller-blading and swimming. that if these can be called sport. at least i can shed some fat when did either one... i'm sooo conscious of my weight right now. i'm freaking 52 kg. that's so damn heavy. i so want to reduce it to at least 48kg, i bought majalah Rapi and started to read diet plans... most people said i don't look 52 but i feel 52. semua fat tgh berkump kat perut comei aku ni.... tension... tension... when i was at umich, thanks to matde, i loss like 20 lb. balik2 kat mesia, slowly2 bdan naik... scary...

i've been thingking lately how difficult it is to be in a relationship and to keep it alive... i know, some people say, if u love someone, it shouldn't be difficult for both of you to stay together. this might be true for the first year. but what happen in the next 2,3,4 years? should we move on and find someone ? start all over again when the relationship gets rocky? i guess most of teenagers do that coz if i can recall correctly, most of my friends dump their boyfriends after 1 year. but it should be ok because they are still young and can meet someone els after they get into college. must be boring to stay in a relationship with a teenage boy for 9 years which we never know if he will grow up by the end of the 9th year. it will be very painful to leave him by then.

ok... that's not the point actually. two people are meant to be different. even if u think that a person ada perangai yg agak2 sama... there must be something about him that's different. so, one thing u have to remember, your partner sometimes cannot be as what u wanted. i have freinds that broke up with their bf/gf after 3-4 years in a relationship and said that she is not what he expected to be. of course she is... so, you left her and the next time u find someone else and u will quickly dump her when u cannot deal with her?

i think a man needs to play a very big part in a relationship. lelaki kan sepatutnyer memimpin/menjaga/menyara perempuan. sepatutnyer la kan.... they are the ones that supposedly emotionally stable. and women known as an emotional being. so, it is natural for women to be angry, demanding and all sorts of emotional stuff. so, it is the man's job to handle a woman. kalau la lelaki ni rajin sikit nak menjalankan tugas2 nyer sebagai lelaki... i'm sure there will be less break-ups. and it is important also for the guy to be supportive. being emotional, sometimes we do stupid things and consequently we will regret the stupid things we did. and pls don't think we don't know that it's stupid because we are not that stupid... so, why can't u just be supportive and assure us that things should be ok? takyahla nak membebel2.... tak gitu sayang ku?

feels good to be able to do this again. dah lama la katakan tak meluahkan perasaan.....

dah lama giler tak buat entry sampai password pun lupa. anyways, things are a little crazy on my part. since aku skrg dah agak2 actively involved with curricular activity in my dept, i'm going to be very busy until July. but let's not talk about work... it's endless

ini iklan skit yer... the next time you guys see me, pls don't ask anything about matde. if you really2 want to know what's going with him, kindly call his mobile and ask.. i'm done with saying things about him. i'm not a broadcaster ok.. so.. pls...do me this one favor... kalau korg duduk2 ngan aku tapi tak tau nak cakap apa2... u guys don't have to say anything. coz peopla who knows matde but don't really know me will ask about him just to make a conversation.. i don't mind at all if u guys don't say anything... don't worry...

anyways, we are still engaged... but have no date for marriage yet.

camner la aku bole terckp pasal ni when actually i wanted to talk about something else... ohh well.. later la kot.

i don't like to live out of my means. meaning, i don't want to buy a new car when i know i cannot afford it. but since to some people, my salary is a lot... i should be able to get a new car. buying a car is a commitment, every month, i have tu put away a qtr of my salary for it. that it not including gas money.

i just couldn't bare to have a debt. so, i would rather clear my credit card even though that means living with only 200 for that month. that happened this month. so, u see... i cannot buy a new car yet.. but how am i suppose to explain to people that? all i do is smile... saying that i haven't find a good car to buy yet. even my relatives kdg2 tego on my kancil. it is just too old and u wou;d never know when she will break down again... sad aaa... people said, money is never enough. but hey, it's my world and i love to live in a debtless one...

sbnrnya duduk kat KL ni terlalu byk guna duit. gaji 2K sebulan pun cuma cukup utk sorg... can u imagine that? sapa2 yg gaji about 1K jer sure sian giler. takleh nak buat apa2. duk rumah makan nasi 1 kali sehari jer kot.

aku dah start jahit manik to my baju. aku rasa aku jahit banyak sgt manik... sampai jadi berat naju kurung aku. since this is the first time, jahitan pun kurang kemas and kdg2 nampak la jugak benangnyer... today dah masuk minggu ke-dua and almost done. by next week aku rasa dah bole siap kot. now i have a hobby... maybe nak berjinak2 di dunia jahitan ni. so, bila dah berenti keja nanti bole menjahit.

i'm going to get a new boss by march. and he will not be pleasent. bila duk kat company besar ni and jumpa mcm2 jenis boss. bole la evaluate skit boss2 ni. i prefer not so bossy boss. normally a fussy boss will make sure that everything run very smoothly and depart tu sure terurus giler. tapi yg tak best nyer dia mesti menyusahkan hidup staff2 dia. semua nak perfect. salah sikit kena. kalau kita tak tau apa2 kena bebel... cakap kita bodoh la.. apa la... aku ni jaga kapal jer. manala aku nak tau production stages. aku bukannyer keja kat plant nu.... and selalunyer boss2 jenis ni x byk kawan and always lonely. on the other hand, the other kind of boss, the more relax type... aku suka sgt boss yg cam ni. trasa bole bernafas skit and normally aku suka nak lepak2 nngan dia gak.

i guess i was very lucky to get a very easy-going bosses semenjak aku bekerja ni. tapi kalau aku jadi boss krg, aku nak jadi yg easy-going and relax type. krg kalau aku mati, takdela diorg ingat aku as bitchy jer... and hopefully diorg bole la doa2kan aku skit... :) kenala berfikiran jauh skit kan... banyak dosa aku ni...